I'd kick him out. I would not enable him to keep doing what he is doing

• I'm sick & husband is being mean...just so tired of it - sm - crying all morning, just venting
  • I HAVE A BRAINSTORM - nana
    • That was funny - thanks! LOL - he's nicer today (of course) sm - OP
      • Be careful of the cycle. He is in the gift mode. - HolidayMT
    • Don't you get drunk quicker while in the air? - HolidayMT
  • Been there - heck, there now!... - The Other Sunshine
    • One tiime, say yes and go. See how he reacts to - that. nm
  • been there done that - ginny
    • It is as if some men get angry if their wives are sick or hurt (sm) - OP
  • Thanks everyone for your comments (sm) - OP
    • Calling AA will do you no good. You need to call Al-Anon. - latecomer to thread
    • GOOD FOR YOU! But, think of yourself first. call the domestic violence hotline FIRST. - Holiday MT
    • Maybe he was freaking out about germs - during today's incident
      • That one is highly unlikely! LOL! He doesn't believe in germs! LOL! - nm OP
  • your hubby - spring
  • So he's out drunk and with a gun. S/l a recipe for - huh
  • Why don't you appreciate the fact that he cooks??? - Mt
    • Uh, what? Cooking makes up for meanness? - tnmt
    • He messed up the pan on purpose...to be mean n/m - OP
  • I just wanted to say I feel bad for you. - sm
  • I am so very sorry, my heart is with you. - HolidayMT
    • Thank you...do you really think they will listen to me (sm) - OP
      • Of course they will listen. Mental abuse is extremely prevalent - HolidayMT
        • wow - mimiskids
  • Well, he sounds like a control - Me
  • I'd kick him out. I would not enable him to keep doing what he is doing - pc
    • How can I kick him out? I have told him to leave many times (sm) - seriously - OP
      • you do the leaving - mimiskids
        • Thank you...can I ask you (sm) - OP
          • personality/alcohol - mimiskids
      • If you are serious about leaving, you need a plan. SM - bunny buncher
        • Do NOT stay just because of the age of your kids. - MslaMT
          • You may want to shoot me, but SM - bunny buncher
      • Order of protection, change locks and be prepared - to call police. nm
      • Call womans shelter/police and ask them where to - start. nm
  • bull, he was not too drunk he has a girlfriend. See the writing on the wall. nm - Minding your Business
    • Honestly I think I am dealing with both issues with him (sm) - OP
      • Sorry to hear all this; here's my advice - sm
        • This is basically what I have been doing the last few years (sm) - OP
    • you don't know that for sure. He says he thinks he's an alcohol. - she needs to start there. n/m
  • You choose to stay in this situation. Until you make - decision to change this, it will continue, no surp
    • do you know how alcoholism works? - n/m
      • I know if SHE doesnt get proactive and take charge - her and children's situation, nothing will chan
  • if he states he thinks he may be an alcoholic, he is asking for help - there is help out there; utilize it.
    • Would he still act like this even when sober? (sm) - OP
      • alcoholics have personality changes; talk to AA group - get info on it. n/m
        • Or could he be using alcohol as excuse without - really being alcoholic? nm
          • if he quits drinking and changes for the better, you have your answer - n/m
            • This may sound crazy sm - Seasoned Survivor
              • Thanks...and I drink almost never...I occasionally buy (sm) - OP
                • Let us know sm - Seasoned Survivor

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You need to nip this in the bud, literally, right now while you still have the opportunity to reach your son. I had the same parenting style you did. I too hid my son's smoking from his dad. I too justified my inaction by saying "all teens try it." I too had a husband who would have kicked my son out of the house to teach him a lesson. How I wish I could do it over. My oldest son is now addicted to meth and just got released from prison after 8-1/2 years.

Buy your son a home drug kit and test him immediately. Continue to do so (especially after weekends). Sit your husband down and decide TOGETHER how to save your son. If he pops positive, get him into treatment immediately. Drugs are absolutely destroying our children's lives. Get on top of the problem while you still can. Being a Mom is not a popularity contest. It is a serious responsibility that means a lot of uncomfortable decisions. My oldest is lost to drugs. I learned from my mistakes and my other 4 children didn't dare even try drugs.

Learned The Hard Way 

and whatever happens, do not encourage a methadone clinc.  Your son may need a dual diagnosis clinic to learn emotional coping skills and receive rehab.  I am a little concerned that you automatically reject the idea of rehab without having talked to him.  You need to learn pretty quickly that going into rehab is only for those who are self-motivated or are avoiding jail.  You do not have to make your approach to your son confrontational.  You can be firm about wanting him to make good choices for himself without being confrontational.  Put your foot down about not having drugs in your home, even if it means he cannot visit within your home.  No loaning a car to him.  You don't want to lose either of those.  No friends over.  I've even handed my daughter a self-test at the door and made her give me her purse to search.  She chose not to visit for the next 2 years and that was her choice...not the one I would prefer, but hers to live with.  If your son is addicted to drugs, he will not get better until he wants to and not one minute before.  The best advise I ever got was this:

_When something becomes uncomfortable enough, you will do something to change it_

Your son may have to hit bottom.  It sounds like he is cycling with ups and downs (cocaine then heroin) and that is an indication of something pretty serious and tough to overcome.  My faith is never tested as much as when I struggle not to do something to control the choices my adult child is making.  Letting go while being supportive is very, very hard.  Good luck. 

I'm not a Christian, either, but I think everyone has a right to their own beliefs, and if they find comfort in their religion, I say more power to them.

I don't think anybody is saying that money is going to rain down from the sky, or any such nonsense. But most of life is colored by our attitude - and if praying helps someone, if it gives them comfort and helps them to have a more positive attitude, then it is a good thing.

Live and let live. Don't condemn, embrace. As long as someone's belief doesn't hurt anyone else, then they can believe in little green men or a flat earth or fairies for all I care.

The one thing I do know is that this world would be a better place if we show love, kindness, and tolerance toward each other, not hate and bigotry.

Are your kids welcome to stay in your home for as long as they like?

My 15 year old asked if we'd ever kick him out or his older brother. I said they'd always have a home with us as long as they follow our rules.

if your name is on the deed or not, it is marital property, you both own it.  So tell him to take a flying leap that you're not leaving.  If he tries to physically remove you from the house, you call the police and tell them he assaulted you.  You go to the county courthouse and swear out an ex parte emergency order of protection at which time they will issue a temporary restraining order for 15 days and schedule an adult abuse hearing.  During the 15 days, he cannot come near you and HE will have to leave the house.  At the adult abuse hearing, you will tell the judge if you want to proceed with the restraining order and if you do, they will schedule another hearing and extending the emergency order of protection until the next court date and so on.  Eventually, the judge will hear the case and make the temporary order permanent.

In the meantime, you should contact legal aid for legal advice and an attorney.  I would also do as the poster below suggested which is start to get together important paperwork, possessions, etc. and stash them at a friend's place.  Do not get a storage facility or rent anything that will leave a paper trail back to you.  I would also empty out any and all joint accounts and open an account in your name only at another bank, change your direct deposit through work if you have it going into a joint account. 

I know everything above sounds very calculated and cold, but it's cover your butt time.  Men can be cruel and you have to worry about you and your kids (if you have any).  I've been through an ugly divorce and I functioned during my divorce with the full knowledge that every single move I made was to protect and provide for my kids and myself.  Every move my ex made was for himself and himself only. 

I wish you the best of luck.  Be strong and be smart!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion - just don't get it when someone says *i just don't like it* and we are talking about DANCING and HAVING FUN.  Perhaps you don't like Latino dancing - it was all about the Rumba and Samba last night.....

*sings* Hot, Hot, Hot!!   La Vida Loca (the crazy life)!!