Hurricane Checklist - Funny!

I received this via email in 2004...One year before Katrina and four years before Gustav hit us.  These are so true, yet hilarious at the same time.

To Ex-Louisianians, Present Louisianians, and Future Louisianians:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic

2. We could all be killed

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in LA.  If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "The Big One." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days

2. Put these supplies in your car

3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in LA. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, provided that your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well built

2. It is located in Nebraska

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South LA, or any other area that may actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. So, you'll have to scrounge for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, upon demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, doors and, if it’s a major hurricane, the toilets. There are several types of shutters, all with advantages and disadvantages:

n  Plywood shutters Advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

n  Sheet metal shutters These work well, once you get them all up. But, once you get them up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps that will not heal until December

n  Roll Down Shutters The cream of the crop in shutters.  They are very easy to use and will definitely protect your windows.  Sadly, you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane-force winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like BBQ grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these into the swimming pool. If you don’t have one, get one installed immediately. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license. If the address says LA, you live in a low-lying area.

The purpose of an evacuation route is quite simple. It is to avoid being trapped in your home when the storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several hundred miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be alone.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don’t evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last bottle of water.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following:

n  23 flashlights

n  At least $156 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for when the power goes off

n  Bleach (I don’t know what for. Nobody seems to know what for, but it’s traditional, so get some)

n  A buggy full of deodorant

n  A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (ask anyone who went through Camille or Audrey, there will be irate alligators)

n  $35,000 worth of cash or diamonds so that you can buy a generator after the storm has passed from some man with no discernable teeth

These are all, of course, just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important to keep abreast of the situation by turning on the TV and watching reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf and tell you over and over and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the Gulf.

The last item you will need, but definitely not the least, is alcohol. This is the most important item. Make sure you have enough to last from June to November. This is necessary for escape when you are stuck with relatives. But remember, after the season is over, you will need to restock for the holidays.

• Hurricane Checklist - Funny! - MTinLa
  • I live about an hour off the Gulf....sm - mt
  • I can relate! - Nola
    • sturdy home on the plains - funny
  • Love it!! nm - mtmt

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18 years ago. It would have prevented me from making a mistake that I'm still living with! I'll print it and keep it in case I'm ever in the market again.

That way it would be clear exactly what you want and what you don't want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - it facilitates communication and you can request that they check off each item as they complete it. If they start slacking off, you can give them a warning and if they don't improve, either reduce the amount paid or let them go.

I didn't realize that I was expected to tip but several people have mentioned it. I think the amount I am paying is very generous for the amount of work she does. My husband and I both are pretty much neat freaks and I make sure that all the counters are decluttered and there is very little that she has to move to mop or vacuum (just dog bed, throw rugs, etc.).

I will certainly give her a Christmas bonus and since she will be getting married in the fall I will probably get her a wedding gift, also. But I really can't afford to tip, especially not $20.

What is the general consensus? Am I being rude by not tipping?

I live near near New Orleans and this Hurricane Gustav is causing many of us considerable angst! It doesn't help that we are coming up on the 3rd anniversary for Hurricane Katrina I so clearly recall closing up my office the Friday afternoon thinking we may be closed for a day or two, never imagining that it would be 3 months later before we could return! So to anyone who might be affected by the storm, and at this point difficult to say who will be, I wish you the best! I think the hardest part is the NOT KNOWING and just waiting to see what happens

ya know how to duck and cover.  I've never been through a major earthquake or a real tsunami yet though.  Hey, there's always time for that.   Cat 

I have an 18-year-old son who LOVES to be on the computer doing the instant message thing.  He knows all the lingo, codes, blah blah blah.  Well, he is not used to the Short Hand being on on my computer, but sometimes he uses my computer when I am not working.  Can you see where I am going with this?

Anyway, he (and probably a dozen other of his buddies) were instant messaging each other on line.  So my son needs to go do something and he just typed BRB for "be right back."  He jumped up and did not see this expand to BRIGHT RED BLOOD.

LOLOL.  Frantically, word travelled through cyberspace that something must have happened because he just typed in bright red blood and left.  When he finally went back to his screen he had all these worried messages...are you all right?  what happened???  are you alive???

I got the best laugh out of that!  He had to explain to everyone who had "heard" just  what had happened and now he is much more careful.

That must be the game system that I have heard talked about and someone laughingly said that this game would actually give you carpal tunnel, pulled muscles, etc. 

Lynn

Born and bred Texas, but never heard that before - i'm trying to figure out if it could be a compliment ???

nm

  And I'm a woman of my word - I never steer people wrong, rarely give unsolicited advice, and let me state it was fun emailing with you today!!  *giggling*......Nice to put the people with their posts...*lol*  I never put a name in but you know my name as I do yours now. 

*too funny*   

Have a GREAT evening :) 

The strange thing is, I've seen adult birds (I don't know what kind, but they aren't very big - not crows or anything) harrass the cats far more than the other way around.  The birds will dive-bomb the cats if they dare to walk out in the open, and the cats just duck their head down and run to get away. 

I've always wondered why the cats put up with it, why they don't just stand their ground and swat at the bird.  I think the birds must be protecting a nest to be this bold.  I've seen them dive-bomb our dogs too.  It seems there is always one bird who will "stand watch" and become very vocal if anyone (us, dogs, cats) go into the yard.  I halfway expect them to dive-bomb me one of these days.  They aren't foolin' around! 

I don't know how that would happen...unless Diana is *padding* her age. 

All I can say is I was at the Brooklyn Fox Theater with my older sister MANY times standing outside waiting to see shows with Little Anthony and the Imperials, Otis Redding, Martha and the Vandellas, Smoky Robinson and the Miracles, the Shirelles, and many many other groups when I was 12.  I also saw similar groups at the Apollo Theater in Harlem when my school took us all there when I was 16, was the last time I/we ever saw Otis Redding unfortunately.  The Tymes and the Shirelles came to my high school for the graduation/prom events to perform.

Diana Ross and the Supremes...I cannot remember if they were there at the Brooklyn Fox theater....they were not at the Apollo when I was there, but I loved the Supremes songs...I was such a Motown person, still  love that era of music/songs.

fun reminiscing.....