He is selfish, that's why, and will not change! nm
Posted By: phillychick on 2007-09-25
In Reply to: But why can't he compromise so we can all be happy - not just him?? (sm) - Grounds for divorce??
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Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
I read a book once with the above title. I can't remember the author. He has done a lot of testing (and imaging) and says that often people actually have small amounts of brain damage they are not aware of that cause chronic behavioral issues.
He says that even little incidents of falling off a bike, etc. can cause damage that people aren't aware occurred.
I'm not saying this is your son's case, but I think you will have to keep investigating. Even with those who have damage, they are able to use meds to help the brain compensate for the affected area, which helps greatly.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It has to be awful for the whole family and hurtful to know your son is feeling in such a way to act that way.
I'm sure there is an answer somewhere. I hope you find it soon! - Please keep us posted.
Yes, he's being selfish. When
my Toyota was 15 years old, still running well, but my DH had had 3 new cars in the meantime, when I complained, he quickly switched cars with me and let me drive his newer one. Then a deer hit him in it and totalled it, but he probably drove it for a year. I didn't even have a child to consider. Sounds like your DH is hung up on his image or something, but if you want his conscience to kick in, you might want to avoid yelling about it. If he "forgets," just quietly ask again, gently reminding him he wouldn't want the car to break down, leaving his wife and child stranded.
Selfish
How is it selfish to want to make sure he does not have anymore children? She said that he does not want more children, no matter what happens.
Are you being selfish? The only one being selfish in this sm
is HIM! I am sooooo sorry about this. I wish you were close to me (Columbus, GA area), because we have a very strong support group-system in our church (a very large church with overe 7,000 members) and I know some women going through what you are going through right now.
Your husband doesn't seem to understand that love is not a feeling but a committment. I don't "feel" love for my husband every day - in fact, he does 1 or 2 things that repulse me; BUT, I would never just leave him because I just didn't love him anymore.
Another point is this: Flames and love can be rekindled, no matter what people think. It truly can. I saw a couple get re-married and this woman wanted absolutely nothing to do with her ex anymore. I just saw them recently at a pizza place and they were very happily in love.
Your husband needs help. He has a family and a wife.
But if there is absolutely no way for reconciliation and your closest relative is 20 miles away, then too bad for him. He will make an effort to see those precious kids - remember, this is his doing and not yours. If this is where your family is and they will welcome you and your children, then you must go there. email me if you need anything!
I think this is his selfish way
of trying to keep your daughter from having friends over. It makes me think he wants to do his own thing on the weekends, and is upset that his weekend is taken over by other plans.
If he won't be generous and nice in front of company, then it seems like he needs to go off and do stuff with his buddies when your daughter wants to do something with friends over. He doesn't seem to care about anybody's feelings but his own, so he's not making an effort to make everybody comfortable.
So start by talking to him and asking questions about why he acted that way, and discuss your expectations for offering hospitality to guests. Maybe he's never had any training and has no common sense in the area?
Am I being selfish?
I'm having to undergo some medical testing and my husband has offered to come with me. Now, when he's having medical problems he wants me there and I'm always happy to accompany him. But when I'm getting testing or in the hospital I don't want anybody around. I want to concentrate on what I have to do and not feel like I need to entertain anyone or make conversation, etc. Does anybody else feel this way? I feel like I must be abnormal or something. I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I ask him not to come.
Not selfish at all
I think whatever makes you feel more comfortable is what you should do. I think that if you explain it to him the way you just explained it to us he should understand. I'm sure he wants to go to be supportive of you because you are for him, but probably would be happy to do whatever you want. I wish my husband would come for things like that with me but he will not.
IVF is selfish....
With the over-population in the world, I really do not see why in-vitro and any kind of fertility enhancement is necessary. Why is it when someone cannot conceive naturally but wants a baby soooo badly, everyone bends over backwards to accommdate. There are people who would love to have a liver transplant, heart transplant, reconstructive surgery, but I don't see anyone being catered to for those reasons. I really am hesitant to say this, but I will, and that is that anyone who would go through IVF procedures and spend that much time and money (or insurance money) to satisfy their need to bring a human being into the world for their sheer pleasure, in my opinon, would not be ideal parents anyway. It sounds simply selfish and narcissistic. And I would not want to be a child conceived in vitro. Just my opinion. Attempts to convince me otherwise are welcomed. Maybe I'm missing something. And the fact that insurance is paying for IVF is just wrong, totally wrong.
I don't think IVF is selfish for those that truly need it - sm
my sister-in-law and brother were fertility challenged. It took her two years to get pregnant the regular way. My brother having a low sperm count did not help the situation either. She then had a myriad of family issues come up with her parents and put off trying to have another child for 5 years or so. Again, she just could not get pregnant. They finally went to a fertility clinic and they tried everything possible but IVF as their insurance would not pay for it. They still ended up putting out tons of money for what insurance would not cover. (so not everyone's insurance will pay for IVF) She still never conceived after drugs, daily injections, ovulation kits, etc. They tried for 2-3 years again with no luck. At this point she was 47/48 (My brother is 5 years younger) or so and they gave up. She really wanted another child but will obviously have to content herself with the one she has. I am sure it does not help her to hear that, well at least you had the one baby, many don't even have that....which is true of course, but she was very depressed for a long time while she came to terms with it. I just wish she had started trying again sooner, as I think she would have had a better chance then, since she had age and fertility issues against her as it was. But thankfully my newphew is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders and they are my kid's legal guardians as well if my DH and I are ever killed/die together, so I know they have a good family to go to if ever necessary.
Why are men so selfish?
I get so sick and tired of my husband never listening to what I want to do. It is always his way or the highway. Last April, we lost our home and were foreclosed on. Our credit is ruined. The place we are living at now is in my MIL's name. The lease is up next month. My husband wants to move again. He says he doesn't like it here. (He does not like anywhere we live.) Our 2 year anniversary is next month and we have already lived in 3 different places. I am so sick and tired of moving. He cannot be satisfied. I told him last night that I think we should stay here for another year so that it will give me time to rebuild our credit up some and save up money for us to move. He still wants to move. I told him we are not going to have enough money to pay for a deposit and the 1st month's rent. (I can never save any money with him because he spends soooo much) He said well i guess we will just have to go without for a while. Or he always wants to rely on his mom. I told him that I don't want to depend on her. So then he told me, "Well, I AM moving." So that is that i guess. I have to do whatever he wants even though my plan is a lot safer and makes more sense. His mom does not want to help us this time. Can we rent a place when we both have terrible terrible credit? Have any of you had to deal with this? I just want to strangle my husband. He is so spoiled and selfish and never ever listens to me.
you are selfish
you are offended because you are selfish. Stop taking your own emotional temperature so often, turn off the computer and go talk to your son.
How is she selfish?
I think what she did was so unselfish...her husband beat her, that situation in itself is not good for children to be around ever...her husband clearly has other things to "DO" and has not called the children since she left...like I said you obviously have no children or you would have a tad bit of sympathy...
Unless the husband is a very selfish - sm
SOB, he will understand that the child comes first. Yes, I agree you should not neglect your husband by giving all your time and attention to the child, but at the same time he must understand that when you do have free time, you won't be using it to massage his ego (or wherever else) as you will probably be too tired. Taking care of a baby is very tiring though it is not hard unless you have a colicky baby. What little time you do get to yourself (when they nap) you will probably nap yourself (I did sometimes) as you will be beat. Yes, your relationship will change with your husband, and some get weirded out by seeing their child be born and won't get near you for a while; Freud could explain it. Mine got a bit weird but it only lasted a couple months; he was much better the second time around (plus he did not see #2 be born so I think that helped); he was home taking care of #1; mom was with me. Both my husband and I put the kids first, though lately (finally) we have been trying to get out more on our own now that they are older (7 & 9); so we have the occasional date now (once every 3 months or so) which is crucial to maintaining your relationship though I'd recommend more often if possible (i.e. once or twice a month would be nice). I would not overly worry about that aspect of things, just keep your common sense and you will be fine.
You sound very selfish.
You wouldn't be where you are today without her, so deal with it. It's your own guilt you're dealing with. My mother had two hips and two knees done and I helped her every time all while working on-site part-time and at home part-time with two little ones. Well, she died 2 years ago, and I miss her so. My kids miss her more. I only wish I could have her interrupt me one more time so I could thank you for all she's done.
Selfish parents
People are selfish these days...no one wants to be bothered with their own kids...and before you think I am TOO old, I am only 49 with 18 and 24 year old sons. I've been involved in all their things all their lives...that is why I had children. A DD too sounds like she resents having to help her children with homework and extracurricular activities. That is the price you pay for the joy of raising your children...get over it. My dh and I have been active in our kids sports and school all their lives and it just shocks me at how many people give their 8-10 year olds $20 and tell them go play somewhere while they are out at a hockey rink, or school gym and these are the kids causing trouble or running around like banchees. Someone could snatch them up at any time and then they'd be wringing their hands and crying. Also I'm shocked that kids cannot make change without a calculor or don't know how to spell or read very well. Before my kids started kindergarten they knew their numbers, colors, letters, could print their name and could read some words, because my husband and I spent the time with them to teach them, spent time WITH them. that is what you do when you're a parent...sorry but this is my biggest pet peeve about parents today.
You are not selfish at all, but I would say to wait (sm)
Wait until you know if you want children or not. You really should not get married, no matter how much you love this guy, until you know the answer to that. Because it is a very important factor. If he wants children and later you realize you do not, that will be a big, big, big stumbling block in your marriage and one that neither one can honestly give in on. For me, I was late 20s and suddenly every time I saw a Pampers commercial I would cry because I wanted a child so badly. LOL! I don't think that happens to everyone who wants to be a parent though! :) Just picture yourself 10 years from now...do you want to be pursuing your career heavily? Do you want the responsibility of children? Do you see them as a job or a gift? If you can visualize yourself 5 or 10 years from now, you can see what you want. Meanwhile...go to a nursery at church or to a friend's house who has babies and spend some time with them, hold them and play with them and see if you feel the urge to have some of your own. If not, it is not selfish at all, it is just how you feel and what you want. But to marry him knowing that he wants children when you are not sure if you do would be definitely a selfish thing to do. Try to figure that out before you tie the knot. Best wishes to you :-)
I hate that selfish
crap
You cannot change kids. Can only change the way
x
Why is it selfish to have a child and not be making
at least 100,000 a year? Are you serious?!
We have 2 children and do not make quite that on combined salaries, but are very blessed in what we do have. Our children are happy and participate in activities outside the home, are well taken care of and have all the things they need and most of what they want. Last time I checked, having a kid and keeping them happy wasn't about keeping up with the Joneses. That is a warped sense of belonging that too many people have nowadays. Parents too who then pass it on to their kids. It's quite sad, really.
My first thought is that it is kind of selfish
that you would not do it just in case something happens with the two of you and you want more children. What if something happens and his next wife wants more children, even though he says now HE doesn't? Just my observation :)
That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. nm
nm
I agree...not selfish at all..we have all felt like that at one time or another..
although some of us probably don't want to admit that...glad she vented to us and not her mother...
Her mother is a selfish woman who wants nothing but her deceased daughter's money....
she was booed at her daugther's funeral because she tried to stop the whole thing, once again, while they were in the procession of going to the chapel...she is a horrid woman as far as i am concerned...i feel bad that she lost her daugther and grandson but other than that she can crawl back under the rock that she came out of...
I'm having a hard time understanding having a baby for selfish reasons...
My older sister feels the same way and doesn't want kids.
As I pointed out above, I'm being selfish by wanting my alone time and doing my own thing and not having to care for someone else.
but watching my little sister be a mother, it is one of the most SELFLESS acts I've ever seen.
So I guess I'm confused at how come you point out that it is selfish... just because you love babies doesn't make you selfish to have them. and of course it's "necessary" or we as a human race would be over ;)
I just feel like being a mother is the toughest job in the world... so I don't know how to combine selfish with that. I do see your point in a way that we want something to love, but I just look at it as being a family... I want a family. I know there are people who are content on their own... but I guess your point would be "WHY" do i want that family? I can't answer that in specific terms.
I guess it's to share the love that me and him have with a child or children some day... to expand our happiness. well i guess that is selfish. ha.
I'm glad you are such a good mom. I don't know what I'd do without mine.
Well, if you are not going to change your
mind, then do not expect anyone else to change their mind about you either. You cannot call people judgmental and then be judgmental yourself. Or you can, but you just look ridiculous doing so.
And by the way, I went into this field so that I could be home with my kids. I also have held a job outside of the home for many years and had my kids home with me while I worked, but they were older where they could amuse themselves most of the time. They are in school now and I have them doing something part time during the summer, but the other times they are here with me. I work just fine like you do and I can hold a job outside of the home. I've done it before and I will be doing it again in a couple of years when I finish school. I've never made a post though about the things you mentioned.
So...your conclusions are flawed.
well then I think we should change the name
change
Honestly, the only possible way he could change is by telling him. But beware it will only change for a bit and go back to the way it was!
...just happens to you. You can change it.
x
Believe I would have to change my name.
Right off the bat, made me think of Pol Pot. If your not familier, Google him.
An attempt by Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot to form a Communist peasant farming society resulted in the deaths of 25 percent of the country's population from starvation, overwork and executions. Responsible for 2,000,000 deaths of his own people.
Sorry did not mean to ruin anything, just made me stop and think.
Change
I remember the Riley Hospital incident, I just had forgotten that it was there at that hospital. I want to know WHY the vials are not brightly colored OPPOSITES? While not having seen one of these vials for a while, I assume they look they same as they always did. The company who makes these needs to take a look at its packaging and ACT ON IT. This is so hard to take. I can't stop thinking about it.
Men that hit do not change...
sure, they can go through anger management (sitting around with a bunch of other women beaters talking about how much their mate irritates them; hmm, wonder why they don't change), they will say they are sorry, it won't happen again, buy you nice things to appease you, go for periods of time not using you or your children for a punching bag, etc. You can see by many posts below that you need to get out now....you can either take that advice or not. Staying does not make you a hero or a martyr; you can't change him, won't change him and for the sake of your children, either send them somewhere safe and stay and be a doormat or take charge of the situation. As I said earlier, BTDT, twice as a matter of fact. It took me until age 40 (I'm 48 now) to realize that I wasted too much time on 2 men who were insecure, angry, lazy, and no good before I got out. My life began at 40 and yours can begin any time from this moment on. You have gotten some very good advice here today; use it and quit making excuses why you can't leave. It can be done.
I think this is all going to change now
that we're heading into a recession/depression. Shoe repair places are experiencing huge increases in business. People are replacing engines in cars instead of replacing the cars. Hard times aren't all bad. We have much to learn from the Greatest Generation that lived through hard times.
What would you change if you could
If there was a time machine and you could go back in time and change one thing that would affect the rest of your life what would it be. And if you were to go back where would you stop the machine. I was just watching the Time Machine the other night and that's what made me think about it.
My major decision I would change would have been to go to a different high school with different friends (that would have changed all my future decisions).
If I could go back I would stop the machine to the night before I started the 2nd grade. I'd love to do it all over again (minus the bad decisions). 2nd grade was the best time for me.
What would you change if you could
If there was a time machine and you could go back in time and change one thing that would affect the rest of your life what would it be. And if you were to go back where would you stop the machine. I was just watching the Time Machine the other night and that's what made me think about it.
My major decision I would change would have been to go to a different high school with different friends (that would have changed all my future decisions).
If I could go back I would stop the machine to the night before I started the 2nd grade. I'd love to do it all over again (minus the bad decisions). 2nd grade was the best time for me.
Exactly right! Nobody can change what is put down in a will,
only the testator can make changes (codicils) to it. When he is dead, nobody can, not the one who holds the POA, not the executor, not the lawyer, not the state, because there is the will!
All the named persons have only an administrative/executive power to make sure that that what is written in the will gets executed.
Get out now. Men don't change.
I stayed in for 22 years, and even though mine was a nice guy other than the unwise and selfish spending, it ruined everything. There were other issues too, but the money one alone will leave you feeling helpless and hopeless. Meds won't solve the problem. Getting out will.
Wow! what a change!
Good for her!
Oh yeah, sure. I think we'd all like to change a lot more
than welfare laws and regulations in many states, but it ain't gonna happen, sister. The laws are made for and benefitted by the poor and the rich only, not the in between. Middle class people get squat and are taken advantage of in every way. And I think we all pretty much fall into that category.
Some things never change...
I believe this is the very thing that Joseph was afraid of way back when. Judgement.. We can not judge until we know the full extent of the situation, even then we have to be careful with our conclusions.
No, you won't change me otherwise. I'm not judging
the Bible. God will judge in the end. I simply don't shop at stores that sell gay and lesbian items.
don't change a thing sm
I've been married 12 years and have had a very happy marriage. I too never understand what's to work at.
I also was just friends with my husband for 10 years before we started dating. Never knew he cared for me.
Count your blessings and give your husband a big kiss!!
And again, she cannot change his behavior, only hers
will not back down on that one. Lots of reason for divorce. Staying because of the children is an absolute wrong way to work at a marriage. She finds him disgusting, surely the children notice or they will when they age a little. I would not care if I had 10 children hanging onto my apron strings, would not want to stay somewhere that I am so unhappy I ask outsiders what they would do. My mother divorced in a time when no parents divorcing, believe it or not, and when I went to elementary school I was asked why no daddy. I turned out well, felt it had no adverse effect on me. Saw him, didn’t see him, ?? Really loved my stepmom though. He did do a good thing right in his life by bringing her into it.
sudden change
I won't say this is your case, but from my experience (and some of my acquaintances) a sudden change in behavior might mean there is someone on the side - of course if you are with him all the time that may not be the case. My ex, who had never bought his own clothes, suddenly bought a new outfit and his own cologne. Hope that's not your case, but keep your eyes open.
Do we really need to change the car oil every 3000?
//
everyone talkin' about change
how do you expect him to try to change something if he has no idea????
Alimony after sex change.
CLEARWATER, Fla. —
Lawrence Roach agreed to pay alimony to the woman he divorced, not the man she became after a sex change, his lawyers argued in an effort to end the payments.
But the ex-wife's attorneys argued Tuesday that the operation doesn't alter the agreement.
Roach and his wife, Julia, divorced in 2004 after 18 years of marriage. The 48-year-old utility worker agreed to pay her $1,250 a month in alimony. Since then, Julia Roach, 55, had a sex change and legally changed her name to Julio Roberto Silverwolf.
"It's illegal for a man to marry a man and it should likewise be illegal for a man to pay alimony to a man," said John McGuire, one of Roach's attorneys.
"When she changed to man, I believe she terminated that alimony."
Silverwolf did not appear in court Tuesday and has declined to talk about the divorce. His lawyer, Gregory Nevins, said the language of the divorce decree is clear and firm — Roach agreed to pay alimony until his ex-wife dies or remarries.
"Those two things haven't happened," said Nevins, a senior staff attorney with the national gay rights group Lambda Legal.
Arnold found fault with several of Roach's legal arguments and noted that appeals courts have declined to legally recognize a sex change in Florida when it comes to marriage. The appellate court "is telling us you are what you are when you are born," Arnold said.
Yes, your relationship will change sm
The first three months or so you will both be so tired you won't know how you can possibly make it, but you will. If you have family close by to help, that is great (I was an Air Force wife, so we were far from both our families). Hopefully, though, you will start to see your husband in a whole new light. I know I did. He had never had much use for children before, although I knew he loved animals, so that's always a good sign. He would spend hours playing with our cats, and he loved to sit and watch TV with one or both of the cats in his lap. To me, that showed a loving heart.
He had a lot of learning to do, but he became a wonderful father. Seeing that, I fell in love with him all over again. He became much more open emotionally, primarily with our son, but some of that spilled over into our relationship as well. And having a child together bonds a couple together like nothing else. Here is this wonderful being who is a part of BOTH of you, and who you both love like you never thought you could love another human being.
Sure, there will be difficulties. There will be times when he wants sex and you are so exhausted all you want to do is sleep for a week. There will be times when you are so focused on the baby you won't realize you are neglecting him. But if you are aware of all these possibilities, you are less likely to let the situation go on so long that it becomes a problem.
Good luck to you, whatever happens. 
Change my activity? (sm)
The only thing I can think of that might have caused it would be 8-9 hours of transcribing every day. Unfortunately, I'll probably be typing my days ago for another 20-30 years (LOL).
You can never change the spots on a dog.
I'm sorry that you are going thru this, and I'm just bidding my time for the "father" of my oldest who is now 21, who hasn't called, visited, or supported him since he was 5, to start wanting something. What your ex is doing is basically called stalking. He gave up his paternity rights and now wants to be treated as a parent, give me a break. By law, he has no rights to be contacting you or you son, as he is legally not his father any longer. A parent is not the one "who makes you" but the one that is by you when you're sick, happy, sad, etc. etc. etc. My oldest one, even though I always offered the opportunity for him to have contact if he wanted to, doesn't care, want in any shape or form, to have any contact with his father either. For you ex to find your phone number or where you are living, either someone you know is giving him this information or if you have it listed in the phone book just by searching on the net is pretty easy to find anyone's number (always make your number private, unlisted, and if you can get unknown caller rejection even better, some phone companies give you this choice). Who knows what the heck is now wrong in his life that he wants to turn around and give you all this trouble. Those type of "men" (and I use the term loosely) never ever change. What does he want, for your son to tell him to go away directly to his face? Then, he would take that as a clear shot to keep trying to make your life miserable. You did the right thing by calling the police and even if you have to, get an injuction against him.
I think it sounds like you could use a change (sm)
Peace of mind, happiness, and health are worth their weight. If there is a pay cut and you can get by with that, this change might do you a world of good.
Seems like you know what the job entails with the kids by what you said in your original post.
To help you get the job, the only thing I can think of, besides your other qualifications, is getting a letter of recommendation from your children's teachers and other teachers you may have become familiar with in the school, the principal, etc. Or even letters of recommendations from people you may know in the community.
You know, you can always go back to MTing if it doesn't work out. Wishing you the best whatever you do! :-)
first day of new lifestyle change....Ugh!!! sm
No diet sodas, regular sodas, refined sugars, bad carbs.....I snuck in a little orange juice this morning. I'm reading and following "Body by God" and trying to eliminate most man-made foods (which are obvious) and replacing them with God-made foods which are the obvious, too (fruits, veggies, beans, lean meats, chicken, etc.). No cheese, either.
I didn't realize (well, I sorta did) how much I rely on my Diet Dr. Pepper EVERY morning. Yes, I'm grouchy. I'm drinking water this morning (yuck) - actually, I don't mind water, but I'm dying for my PEPPER!!!!
What's gotten me to this point? My hormones, thyroid, everything is getting out of balance due to obesity. yes, I admit it! This has been a struggle of mine for years. I cannot even tell you how many times I've failed trying to change my lifestyle. I have young children, too, and we went to like McDonald's and Burger King quite a bit.....That will have to stop too :(
It's not ALL bad, though. I do get one "vacation" day a week to eat pretty much whatever I want. Doc says that even 1 to 2 days of this Body by God will yield results. 3 to 4 days of Body by God will yield great results, and all 7 days of this regime will yield the BEST results for you and your body. I'm tired of the swelling. I'm tired of trying to cover up my belly fat. Hey, I'm just being brutally honest.
Is there a diet board? I need fill-in ideas for snacks that are healthy. I've never, ever eaten healthy before.....   = My emotions right now!~
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