Guilt? I am much too old to think about such a superficial thing
Posted By: Why do you ask? on 2009-01-22
In Reply to: Please, most of these things are - nomtspread4me!
I just wondered who makes you the guru of all things good or bad? I just happen to know that things mentioned here, not all, but some are absolutely good for you. My husband is a chef and I am a registered dietician. You need to go back on the other board where you always seem to stir things up.
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I prefer superficial relationships
I find that the only people I like are the ones I don't know very well. So I try to like everyone I meet, and just keep it light.
please don't take on any guilt that someone--sm
else is trying to lay on you. You have enough to worry about without feeling guilty about a human reaction. First off, it was not your husband's fault for not taking the quad off the trailer. It was all your BIL responsibility once he took the vehicles to his property, to make sure they were safe. period. If they are reacting out of anger towards you now, it is because they feel the guilt of responsibility and it may end up costing them something in the future. They do not want to have to pay the consequences for their mistake...so...they are trying to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for blaming them for your loss. they can only do that if you allow them to. You are in the right. You are also within your rights to attempt to recover for you loss, whether it is family or not. Secondly, the disagreement you got into with your sister is on her shoulders. Heated emails or not, she came to your house, became confrontational with you, and ended up placing her hands on you in anger. Whether she hurt you or not, she aggressively assaulted you. If you let it go this time, just like in any abuse case, be it male or female, it just gives her an open door to do it again, maybe not to you, but to someone else. She feels she can get what she wants by physical means, and that is wrong. You say she and her husband have always been this way, by screwing people over, so they can get what they want, no matter what the consequences. They have apparently never been made to pay the consequences of their actions. They have never learned not to be selfish. Family or not, sister or not, you have the right and obligation to defend yourself, your person and your property, against a selfish onslaught. As I said previously, your sister and BIL would be knocking on your door wanting compensation for their property if it had been stolen from you. Situations are always different when the shoe is on the other foot. Thirdly, even though you love your nephew dearly, she is the parent. It is her responsibility to act in such a way *maturely* so that her *business* is not in jeopardy and she will not lose her job or her home because of it. It is her actions that caused any consequences that come from this. Not yours. She seems to be very good at turning anything she does wrong onto someone else, making it their fault. Do not let her guilt you into thinking you did this, because you did not.
As you said. The damage is done. You cannot undo it. You cannot change it. You did the right thing in protecting yourself from her physical assault. Whatever happens now is a result of her actions, not yours. If per chance this ever calms down, and it will in time, perhaps an amicable solution would be for them to pay HALF of the loss. That way both parties take responsibility. That is just a suggestion. But please, please, do not take on the guilt she is trying to get you to take. Stay strong. Family or not, she had no right to inflict anything on you physically. Just remember that. Abuse is abuse whether you are hurt or not. Trust me on that. I have been there. I wish you all the best!
You ever think it may be guilt that has - sm
kept him from contacting her? People tend to sweep under the rug what they feel bad about, so maybe he swept his former life and child under the rug and cannot go back because he feels guilty of how he treated them. It does happen. Granted there are those who feel nothing and want nothing to do with their past "indiscretions", and are just horrible people to begin with. If it were me I'd get in touch, but with no expectations of becoming one happy family; basically for curiousity. My mom was adopted and on and off I have searched for her birth parents. She is dead now, and unless they are very, very old, her parents are dead too, but I may have some aunts and uncles I know nothing about as well as some cousins that I am still curious about and hope to one day meet. It took me a while but I got her birth certificate released via the courts when my mom was still alive and at least she died knowing her birthday really was her birthday (we had our doubts as her "parents" lied about so much) and the names of her parents, assuming they told the truth on the birth certificate, one never knows. Yes, her contacting her dad will ruffle some feathers but she has a right to contact him and should not let others stop her if she really wants to contact him just because they don't like the idea.
Guilt
Guilt is a major side effect of depression. Believe me, I know! I didn’t realize the extent of my depression until after I started treatment for it. Now that I am on the “other” side of the coin, I am much more aware of the symptoms and triggers. I, too, wondered why everything made me feel guilty, especially when no one really even tried to make me feel that way; I brought it on myself. For years, I kept asking myself why I was feeling that way and never came to a solid conclusion. Now that I am on medication, there was no real reason for my guilt other than I was depressed. I can honestly say that any guilt I feel right now is a normal healthy level, enough to help me remain considerate to others, but it is no longer a major part of my life. I feel like a slave who has been set free from bondage. I’ve learned that it’s okay to pamper myself and take care of some my own needs. However, I don’t think I could have ever done it on my own without the help of medication.
I would never put you on guilt trip for that
That little beast is a nervy ho!!!! The worst part of having kids is dealing with other kids and their parents. How DARE she do that? Use your computer? But I will say, this will be an ongoing war for eternity now with the mother.
first, quit the guilt
If you have been burned by someone repeatedly, and they still want you around, they have to be open to your verification to gain your trust. He doesn't respect you enough to get help and stick with it, as he has proven repeatedly, so why should he be surprised if you want reassurance of his activities. If he doesn't want to change, then there is nothing you can do to make him. You have to decide if it is really worth hanging on. Is life apart from him really that much worse than with him? I would advise you to see if there is anyone you can talk to who is an expert on addiction and those who live with addicts (you didn't say whether you have a counselor available or maybe a support group). FWIW, I've been there, and I would never give a man as many chances as you have. It is your life. Reclaim it for yourself!
My point is that the e-mail check is not what you should worry about. How his problems affect your life/sanity/sense of self is what you should focus on.
Good luck!
Regardless, that doesn't take away his guilt sm
She didn't believe it then, but she does now. Better late than never. He is still guilty and people who are willing to do those types of things don't change. My point to Mrs. R is that we are not villifying men in general, this woman's husband is guilty of doing something very bad.
you're into guilt by association? s/m
As I know it, they broke up months ago..........so I have read...and anyway - you sound like my 87 year old mother!!! 
Keep waking up at night - Guilt? Anxiety?
Okay - for months now I have been aking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and feeling hot. I have to sleep with a fan and keep fipping from one end of hte bed to ther other so the sheets will be cool. I guess that could just be that I'm hot, I don't know. Then I end up being awake for an hour or two while my mind wanders through everything that I am not happy with myself about and I end up making resolutions about how I am going to improve because I'm so bad, etc. I keep wondering if the heart racing is just physical and is maybe anxiety and I am trying to rationalize it as guilt so I start to try to think of what I might feel guilty about? Anyway, the next day I am fine, although I have started spending less money as a result of one of my late night attacks! Does anyone else do this or know what it is? I'm tired of it - and tired the next day!
either postpartum depression or embarrassed/guilt
I have known people to withdraw due to feeling like people are going to make fun of their child, blaming themselves or postpartum depression. Is this their first child? Could be that she is just simply overwhelmed. What does her mother-in-law/mother think? Is she also pulling away from them?
Just let her know that you are there for her even if that means sending her a card.
Confessional is for the purpose of relieving people's guilt of sin.
The law is written on mankind's heart. Confessional and or talking with your pastor is a helpful tool toward relieving guilt and for guidance. People who quote scripture like this should know it is fine to quote but also should be educated on the original purpose of confessional. No one ever said the Pastor is taking the place of Christ. Read up on Luther's papers, please.
I see where you are coming from because I would be nagged by guilt and feeling responsible
for the problem. I have those tendencies too. No way should you cash your IRA for a car.
Yes, guilt is my downfall. Now, I feel guilty because she has no life survival skills because I have
done everything for her...so now I blame myself about how she will survive because she has no idea what to do. I guess I didn't have anyone leading my way. I've been on my own since I was 16 years old and I made it okay. She calls me for EVERYTHING..how do I do this.. how do I do that and I know now it's time just to let her fall because she'll never learn how to pick herself up if I keep doing it. That's the hardest teacher..falling on your face. She even said that she feels different because she doesn't know anything other kids her age know how to do.. That right there should have made me STOP.. I have not done her any favors..When I thought I was helping her, I was just making it worse and enabling. I'm done with it. Thanks for listening.
Happiness is a heart thing; pleasure is a head thing.nm
I do the same thing
I like it when there is a web site that has pictures of the docs/PAs/nurses . . . so funny to see how they look, after already having an image in my mind from hearing their voice.
I once had a boss, with whom I had only corresponded by e-mail, IM, etc. When I finally did speak with her on the telephone, my image of her changed completely, although I still do not know what she really looks like. In this case, she went from a very professional-looking, large (as in big-boned, tall, etc.) red head, to a very large (as in fat), short, still red-headed (but in a messy bun, rather than professional shoulder-length style), barefoot, straw-hanging-out-of-her-mouth, country bumpkin. LOL :)
it cut off the first thing is said.
i said to say how you wish you could change it all for him but you cant...and also, the plot of this angle would be putting guilt onto him that what his father has done to him, he did to him...not to your children and that they shouldnt have to endure the same pain as he has to go thru. when i play this reverse psychology stuff with my husband, of course he gets angry..bla bla..says whatever, btu then i always see him using my advise later..it does soak into their hearts.
Only thing you can do is pay or it will
go on your credit. Sorry this happened but I would not cosign even if it were for my own child if I thought there was even a remote chance that they would default from lack of responsibility/funds. I would tell her that you will pay it but that she has to pay you back and set up a payment schedule for her to pay you back. If she will not go to the other girl, that is her problem, not yours. Tell her she will have to pay you back and be emphatic about it, even if it is at $10 a month to show her that is not the way to handle responsibility.
The only thing I know is what
my realtor told me. When we were signing contracts, there was a special on TV about this. He made some comments because apparently he does not think this is a good idea. From what I know, you cannot see inside the house before the auction or have an inspection or anything. It is as is. Unfortunately, you do not know what type of structural problems this could include. They showed one guy who bought this house he had his eye for a long time at a very cheap price. When he got in there to start renovations, he found a lot more problems with it than he anticipated. Luckily, he was a contractor though and had the means to fix it up cheaper than you or I would and was actually selling these homes once finishing them. He said that one he about broke even on. He said it was a hit and miss when buying like that.
I agree with the other poster though that you should find out the laws in your state first and see if it is occupied still which could present another headache in itself. Good luck!
It was the best thing I ever did. sm
Had abdominal hysterectomy due to endometriosis, ovarian cysts, adhesions, fibroids, etc.
I wish I did it sooner is all I can say. I was up and out of bed the following morning. I, like you, had previous c-section, so I anticipated the pain, etc.
Really, no big deal for me at the age of 37. I am completely without pain now. What a relief! Had problems since I was 13 - now none! I can honestly say I feel like a new person.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
My son does the same thing... sm
Who says we're not focused on our work in our home environment???? AAAYYY?
My doc said the same thing
live your life. I've not had a flare since 13 months ago. I've defintely found keeping my mind busy and my body active makes for a better attitude.
We do the same thing. nm
nm
Only thing I would add is that I would definitely not
allow my child to talk to this person on the telephone - that is what caller ID is for. Otherwise wonderful advice.
I was going to say the same thing, I am also
wondering why such a wonderful man would have two ex-wives.
One more thing -
Do give your MIL the number of the vet you use in case she needs to take kitty there for something. I have done this with the people who have watched my cats over the years. They have never needed to take them to the vet for anything, but it gave me peace of mind knowing it was in place should it be needed. It sounds like you have covered all the rest. Enjoy your trip!!
And another thing....
I didn't choose to work at home because I was too lazy to go find another job outside of the home. I chose to quit my job outside of the home (making more money than I do now!) so that I could do this instead.
Also, I am starting school this year to get another job outside of the home. I guess when I am balancing all this and going to school, I will still be lazy and unprofessional to you! Whatever....
Like I've said before, people chose professions for all kinds of reasons. Staying at home was my reason. So what?! That does not mean you do your job any better than me or the rest of us. That is all in your head, which is a very big one at that!
first thing I would do - sm
Pay off all bills and set up college funds and trusts for my kids and any grandkids I may get in the forthcoming years.
Then I would be a little more conservative and buy a fixer upper and turn it into my dream home. Who needs to build another house when there are so many beautiful old neglected homes out there?!
The next thing I would do is buy this old building in town that used to be a school and renovate it into a group home for unwed mothers/fathers, dormitory style so I could help them build futures for themselves and their children.
That would be my dream.
Maybe she needs to go out and do her thing? nm
x
And another thing-
I would be willing to bet she does not show up on Dancing with the Stars. When I heard she was supposed to be on there, I thought nah, don’t think so.
I know that this is not the same thing..sm
but I had a kitty cat who had diabetes. with unchecked diabetes, the kidneys are at risk. my kitty started kidney failure and had alot of the same symptoms you described. She would not eat or drink, because she did not want to p because it hurt to p. She became so severely dehydrated, I had to put her down. she was 13 years old. Has your doggie been checked for diabetes?? It is just a thought and I am not trying to scare you, but I would have started forcing fluids before this, with your doggie. Good luck. I hate it when pets get sick and you don't know how to help them! Also, has she been checked for the parvoux (sp) virus??
One more thing......
I went back and re-read your message after posting. Your fruits are from your hard labor, but are also a blessing from God. I know that sounds confusing, but believers know that you have to work hard to produce fruits. It's what you do with those fruits that make the difference. God does bless you for your hard work.
To explain it better:
The bible says this: Proverbs 14:23 All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.
I'm going through the same thing here!
One of my dogs (a gay little Lhasa-Poo) has the itchy horrors. The vet took skin scrapings looking for mites but found nothing and yet still prescribed Ivermectin (a wormer) in the hopes that the itching was caused by some creepy crawly that just couldn't be seen. I just squirted this stuff into his mouth every 2 weeks for 3 doses total and nothing. Everyone is on FrontLine for flea prevention and we did the prednisone along with something like benadryl and different foods...just like you have done! I even went so far as to shave him myself down to the skin.
After all that "experimentation" and retarded vet bills, he still has the friggin' itching! Vet thinks it is allergies as well and recommends we just live with it, as the testing is going to be a heck of a lot more $$$ and it carries no guarantee either of finding out the true cause.
I say my dog is allergic to himself...or us...or the other animals here. Can't do much about it. I figure if he's happy, eating, sleeping, and pretty much enjoying life, it's just going to be one of his annoying quirks...that along with leaving skidmarks on the rug!
Good luck and keep us updated on if you find anything out that works for you!
oh - and another thing -
the other poster that mentioned allergies - my mom has had two dogs now with severe allergies to grass and fleas. Even though she was using Revolution - even if a flea got on her and died immediately it caused problems. One was put on steroids and ended up losing all of her hair from the steroids.
One thing I can say...........sm
My mom used Oil of Olay her entire adult life. She did not spend a lot of time in the sun. She got up every morning and put on Oil of Olay before work, and then at night. She is 67 years old and her skin looks better than mine. She doesn't have the uneven tone and skin blotchiness that I do. So, I have been thinking about giving the line a try myself!!!!
I did the same thing, and my mom do any of the - sm
organizing or planning. I did ask her advise on my dress and the color flowers but that was it. I even picked out her dress! Yes I am a control freak, but it all came off the way I wanted it to and it all went very smoothly as I had it organized it from day 1. I had a vision of what I wanted and was able to get it. I had 9 months to plan it, but had it all ironed out and set up within 5 weeks of my engagement. My mom did go dress shopping with me of course and helped be pick out my dress but that was basically the extent of her involvement. I had a very small wedding which helped too (50). She was not the type of person though to stick her nose into other people's business which I think is a very good trait (especially in a MIL). My in-laws to be stayed out of it too, though I did ask them for input on the rehersal dinner in terms of menu/ordering as they did pay for that. I know how to be a good politician when necessary.
I said same thing down below and got
flamed for saying just let it go, glad to hear someone else say exactly the same.
Have only one thing to say - buh-bye
nm
I think you are doing the right thing (sm)
I would not call the mom.
Well, she was right about one thing! (sm)
The man on the $10 bill was not a president at all! Alexander Hamilton was the Secretary of the Treasury.
It's really ironic that you mention this because my daughter, whose 2nd year of college just ended, is going through learning withdrawals, so she's doing independent study on the presidents and US history. She is completely facinated with Hamilton (and the currency he is on as well!).
I gave her $10 a couple nights ago and she has no idea what happened to it (turned up in the wash today). Then she lost $10 of someone else's money (trust me, she is usually very responsible). When I asked her what's up with her losing $10 bills, she said, 'I'm just secretly collecting Hamiltons. I love the guy!'
...ok I've had enough of this Hamilton guy. Maybe she'd stop secretly hoarding 10s if Clooney's picture was on them!
And that is an odd thing??
Murders happen everywhere!! In my city, mostly 3-4 on a daily basis. Would probably be safer there.
I do the same thing--
We live in the country and my computer is right here at the window where they are always playing outside. I just have to stop and take a break sometimes just to watch them through the window and smile! Really lightens the day.
thing is
if you were to leave, you have time to clear your head a little and figure out a course of action. i came back here because he promised all sorts of things, and he did seem sorry and trying to change, but last night gave me a vision of the old days, which I cannot and will not live in. He is awake now, and is trying to be sorry. Im just really tired.
only you know the right thing to do
Quote - My question is - if he has never been happy with me, and I have always been a source of frustration, why should I stay now and expect things to improve? We have been to 4 marriage counsellors in the past. I am scared about leaving and I still do love him deep down, but why continue to stay if I will never be good enough? Unquote
I noticed that you focused your entire post about what he says, thinks, feels and does. Finally, in the last sentence you give a minor reference to how you feel. You don't talk about whether or not you are happy, how you would feel about staying (only being scared to leave). I was in a relationship for almost 20 years where I stayed for the sake of the kids - stayed 9 years too long. If divorce is going to be the end result, it hurts longer to stay than to just do it and get it over with. It does not sound like either one of you are going to be happy staying together - WHY would you want to stay with somone like that? Lots of things in life are scarry and feeling some love _deep down_ should not be the sole reason to stay.
What about your mental health, happiness, well being, ability to care for your children, finding your self worth? In other words, why are you concentrating on him and not on you? If he has never been happy with you, is not now happy with you, is there some miracle you are waiting on to filter down from the skies and change that about him so one day, maybe, hopefully, so you won't have to be scared to make a decision, he will want to be with you? Lots of definitives (he is not happy you) (you are scared of the unknown if you split up), but a lot fewer unknowns (can you find happiness without someone dragging you down and staying the source of his frustration?).
Gotta make a choice and all of us on this site can't make it for you. I emphasize with you, truly I do. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I got tired of getting the same results (my unhappiness). You seem to be putting his worth over yours - from my perspective. No one can make you unhappy unless you give them permission to. You make a decision every time you choose not to make a decision.
Best of luck in these hard times. 
one more thing to think about....
You can deduct the interest you pay on your mortgage come tax time. Can't do that with a CC.
Great points made by "Advice" above.
Get rid of the CC debt first and foremost. The lower the amount you pay on your CC, the more you pay in interest. If you keep using that CC, you'll never get out of the hole. Pay as much as you can every month, not the minimum. Cut up the card when you are done.
Debt counselor is a great idea, but do they work for free? If they consolidate your debt into one loan, they must be making money off you somehow.
Most of this is common sense, hard work on your part, and some heavy duty scrimping and saving. It's not forever, just until you can get back on track and out of debt. Try tracking EVERY cent that comes in your house for a month. Include every single thing like parking meters, coffee, etc. You'd be surprised how the little things add up. Fill your car up in the a.m. or night when the temp is cooler outside = more gas for your $.
Be creative, you can figure out lots of ways to shave $$.
Good luck!
The only thing I know for sure is (sm)
The cerebellar tonsillar ectopia has to be a certain length to be abnormal. I did an mri the other day where the cerebellar tonsils extended 5 mm and the radiologist said that was the upper range of normal.
Where exactly is the scar tissue? Is it in the spine or the layers of the spinal cord? It is in the brain? Is it in the area of the cerebellar tonsils that extend below the foramen magnum? All of those areas would have different implications.
thing.
xx
One more thing...
Over the years we've had our fair share of beloved furry family members die. We did bury some in our yard, which I later regreted as we got a dog who dug some of the up. Very unpleasant to have to deal with. We also cremated some of them and then put their ashes around the base of special tree or bush that we planted for them. I personally think that is what works best for us.
One thing to not do and you probably know this already
is you do not give money to someone who does/did drugs. If they are hungry, food, not money. I really feel your pain and I have been thru the court system with my step g'child. The courts do nothing. It is like revolving door there. You know, too, that enabling will never do but I have a friend like you. I have stayed away from her now for several months (is in another state)because they were trying to rook me into enabling and am not gonna do. I never had to put up with a situation like this. This is a woman, though and you are probably about to kill yourself trying to see after her. I would agree with the above in taking care of you FIRST. You cannot help others without you being ok. I have never really had to deal for years with things like you have - the grandfather died- the g-child out of my life now (good riddance, too much trouble for me)but when you are having to deal with things like this you are at your wits end, I know. I thank the heavens above I never had to deal with my 2 children like this. I am sorry for your plight.
I'm going through the same thing with
my son. He's almost 2-1/2 and he'll sit on it sometimes but it just hasn't clicked with him yet. He doesn't stay dry through the night at all and I know he's just not ready. I don't worry about it though - it's his timing not mine!
I do the same thing...
My DD is 17 also, I had her on BCP not for contraception, but for dysfunctional bleeding and cramping...HOWEVER, knowing that if the time comes...and eventually will...she's protected is enough for me. I live in reality...I was a teen mom, having had my 1st at 18...he's now 20 and thankfully is still childless...I love my kids too much to bury my head in the sand and just hope nothing will happen. My DD and I are very, very close, she tells me (almost--I'm sure) everything. I just feel I should be responsible and protect her as much as I can. I only wish I could protect my DS in the same way, instead of just having to repeat over and over...DON'T DO IT if you don't want kids...condoms, etc...
I was just going to ask the same thing.
nm
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