Got a question for empty nesters. Do you ever find that you want to do things and it is so hard to
Posted By: PAMT on 2007-05-01
In Reply to:
find someone to do things with anymore. Do you just go alone and how does that work out or take a bus trip or what do you do. If you sit around waiting on someone to fit into your schedule you may never get to do anything. BTW, I am divorced also.
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You are not alone. I find it hard to transcribe...
without the music because I tend to get too lost in the dictator's voice and the background noises. It seems if I have my own background "noise" it's easier to block theirs out. Also, with faster music it seems I type faster. That's a great thing about working at home - it's all MY music.
In Louisville, it is hard to find gas just
because we originally over 200,000 customers without electricity, now down to about 189,000. Police are directing traffic at local convenience stores because of all the people trying to get gas at the same time. This is in the aftermath of 75-80 mph winds we had come through on Sunday. They are saying here 10 to 14 days before they get all the power back on. School is out, and governor says over 1/2 million here in Kentucky still have no power.
I still find it hard hearted...
Comparing your father in law to a father is not the same thing. This woman is an adult and her father was there while she was growing up. I just think that raising children earns a little compassion and respect. Call me silly. I also think that it is a little unfair that we only get one side of the story. I just hope that she does not write him off and live to regret it. Heaven forbid we act as caring people during the holiday season.
This will be hard, but there are things
You have to know. As a gay person myself I feel I may have something to offer you.
Your husband may very well be gay or bisexual. The first thing you have to know is that it has nothing to do with you or anything you have or have not done or been to him and he loves you.
People call it a "lifestyle choice." It is not. A "lifestyle choice" is whether you visit your local coffee house, ski every winter, what sort of car you prefer, the clothing you like. These things are related to lifestyle. I know this sounds irrelevent, but it will make more sense in just a moment.
First, you have to understand that he is not doing these things behind your back to hurt you. This has been with him for a very long time. If he has only recently begun to experience his feelings intensely enough to try to act upon them, he is also very confused and feels extremely guilty.
Regardless of that, this is an intrinsic part of who he is. It is who he is. It is not a thing, it is not "something he does." It is who he is. Say that in your head. A lot. And do it before you talk to him. You do have to talk to him.
You have to understand that for him, if he is bisexual or gay, his feelings are as much a part of him as yours are a part of you or mine are a part of me. I could no more just go out and be with a man than you could just go out and be with a woman. It's the same for him. No one who knows and loves him will understand this and he knows it. He knows that it can and will destroy relationships he has in his life, some of them permanently. That's why he's sneaking around. It does NOT justify his sneaking around, but that is the reason.
There are so many reasons to have the heart to heart mentioned by the other poster. The most important being your safety. You have to find out if he's actually been with anyone yet and then you both need some blood work. You will not get the answers if you lose control of your emotions. You will get whatever he feels he needs to tell you to keep you calm and not running out the door. So you have to think about your approach and you may have to think about it for a good while before talking to him. You have to remain grounded no matter how hard it is, because when he realizes he's been found out, he will no longer be grounded.
A person who cheats on their spouse deserves no sympathy, I believe. However, the most important element at play is going to be your safety and your health first. It just has to be.
Next, really try to help him find out if this is who he is. Not for him, but for yourself and your hopefully monogamous marriage. If you're going to get the truth, this has to be done in a non-threatening way. You don't have to be supportive, but I would stop short of confrontational if you want the truth.
You must understand that HE may not be ready for the truth either. Right now, he is experimenting and testing the water while safely married with all the appearances of heterosexuality and the safety that affords a person in and of itself. I don't know how old he is, but I have seen people over about 25 have a really, really hard time with this. If he is not ready, you will not get the truth. This is going to be hell on you. You have to leave the door open. You will get a whole range of answers from "it's a phase" to "i just needed something different" to a harmless fetish or unrealized sexual fantasy.
An important element for you to understand that is missed by most heterosexuals is that sex is not what orientation is about. It is a part of it (thank goodness), but a gay or bisexual person is also emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually attracted to the same sex. Your husband is not just interested in sex with men. It goes beyond that, as it goes beyond that for you in your attraction to your husband. This part can often hit a spouse the hardest.
There is no easy way for you to deal with this. There is not going to be an easy way in or out for either of you. He can promise you that he has or will never "act on it." That doesn't matter because this is who he is. He cannot choose to be someone else anymore than you or I can. You are going to have some really hard choices to make over the coming months.
Unfortunately, on top of your discovery you also have to deal with possible infidelity and the betrayal you feel. This is going to seem insurmountable to you. You have to hold onto yourself for your own sake and become an expert at self preservation. You can eventually allow yourself to break down and lose it, but you can't do that right now, ok? It will sure feel good when you can, but you just can't right now.
I am so sorry. No one deserves to go through this with their spouse. Just please understand that this is WHO a person is, not WHAT a person is. It is not an ACT to hurt you. It is who he is and there is no cause.
I could probably go on but I already feel like I'm babbling now. So much to say...
Please feel free to email me. There really is a lot you can do for yourself to help you stay sane through this.
Please provide documenatation; I find that very hard to believe.
A good doctor is hard to find.
I found a good doctor in Cleveland, Ohio. He was never in a hurry. He always retook my blood pressure. He would read my chart from the last visit and talk to me about issues I had then. He would always come up to me and say "Hello, how are you doing," and shake my hand. When I cried (when my granddaughter died), he held my hand and comforted me. The bad news, I moved 2 months ago to Oklahoma. I bet I will not find another one like him here. There are some good doctors....just not enough of them.
LOL! It sounds like it IS hard to come up with new things...
Do you have a local winery? Often times, they offer special dinners/entertainment or other activities.
Is it hard to find considerate people these days? sm
seems like no one is considerate of anyone else anymore. I dropped a few friends because of it. A recent friend is being inconsiderate also, husband wonders why I still do things with her. Well, you know, you can't just not have any friends and since everyone seems to be that way, what else can you do? People are late, don't follow through, are self-centered, etc. The way of the world these days I guess.
So many cool shoes out there. Purple pumps or sandals probably won't be hard to find. nm
s
Since I'm not average sized, it's hard for me to find really nice fitting clothes.
But I do know how to sew, just haven't done it for a long time. I have stacks of really lovely fabrics, from wools to silks in my attic. Lots of it is inherited stuff that is now vintage. I have a serger and a good machine, and lots of beautiful classic patterns. I did make a nice wrap dress for the holidays, so I've been inspired to do more. What I'd like to do is find a really good used dress form somewhere... maybe ebay. It's so much easier to tailor the fit if I can stand next to a dress form, exactly my size, and adjust the pattern and seam lines. You can't do that while you are wearing an incomplete garment with pins in it! It's like trying to cut the back of your hair for yourself.
Thank you for your kindness - i did find a few things on competition sites sm
but they were all pretty boring, lol. we are going to do like you suggested and rent some of those movies this weekend to get that frame of mind going. i coached her little league cheer group and we won first place at competition so she is kinda counting on me for help, but i am brain froze on cheerleading, LOL!
She needs hard things to help wear the tooth down. Try clean branches, a wooden spoon, wood chews
s
Empty nester and
loving it, the best time of my life, so much easier, no more people I have to be responsible for, married but remarried after the children had left already so still happy. i have my time to myself, so happy...
Empty Nester
I only WISH I were an empty nester!! Those kids just won't LAUNCH!! Well, not completely true. Four have launched, one is still not terribly old, and the older one still with me is at least getting on through college. I actually have three in college right now. (I've been single for 20 years.)
Used to take my youngest places, sometimes take my grandson. But if I want to do something, I just go. Have driven thousands of miles alone on trips. It makes me feel young and free to get in my car and just drive while I listen to a book on CD or MP3.
If you are actually a senior or retired, bet you could do some of those touring things and within a trip or two come up with a really great traveling companion.
I have a close friend who will be traveling with me once I can finally launch the kids and retire.
2.26!! Filled up my SUV for 45.00 - and it was empty!
x
Empty nest
I went through the "empty nest" 3 times. I have 2 boys and 1 girl. My daughter is very close to her brothers, as she is the 'baby." We both cried when my first son got married and left the state. We played his favorite songs and cried together, but we got over it. Boys seem to be able to leave easier than girls. I hear from my sons every month or so. They live in Oklahoma, and my daughter and I live in Ohio. My daughter is 25. I moved to Ohio when she was 19. When she got married, I went (and paid for) to the wedding. That was the first time I met her "husband." I missed her so much that my heart ached. We were so close. I was living here in Ohio with no family or friends and just typed all day long and that was it. Well, one day my daughter called me and said they were coming to Ohio to live, as the job market was not good in OK. Her husband had been a jockey and broke his ankle, and could not even ride any longer. They came here and lived with me for 6 months until the upstairs apartment came available. She had a little girl, Autumn, 2 months before she came to Ohio. They still live upstairs. I see them everyday. She had another baby, Summer, who then died of SIDS at 3 months of age. We helped each other through the toughest thing in our lives. She then had twins last December, Wynter and Breanna Spring. The were born at 33 weeks, 3 pounds and 3.4 pounds. I now watch them every morning and afternoon while she takes and picks up Autumn from school. I am watching them right now while she is shopping.
I am telling you this to let you know you never know what life has in store for you. I would never had thought my daughter would be here with me, and I would be a part of her every day life. I love it. My grandchildren love it. My daughter loves it, and even my son-in-law loves it. Life can really bring you lemonaide sometimes.
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Diet pop is empty calories and crackers and some
...wheat breads will make you hungry faster. I'm strugglin' too and haven't made up my mind to start. All I'm comfy in are sweats.
my cat is 16. she went from living in my empty bedroom to my closet. sm
She goes between my closet and my husband's closet. She is eating well but just does not want to be bothered with us. She has always been a bit shy.
Stop giving empty threats and go through with one (sm)
If that means leaving temporarily or permanently then fine. You don't live with your 28 year old do you? If not, how can you threaten him? He's kind of out of your hands at this point. But you don't have to live with your husband if he is being a jerk.
Empty photo album and a journal.
Picking blackberries & putting them in an empty coffee can.
There was a field nearby with TONS of wild blackberry bushes. Some of them we would keep for ourselves and make blackberry cobbler, or we would sell them in empty coffee cans to the neighbors for $5/can. What a bargain!
Had Chinese takeout - my fortune cookie was empty
 And my husband is trying to tell me that means I already have everything.
Hmmm......
I've heard good things and about things about taking prednisone. My mom was on it for SM
for awhile and it made her look so swollen. I sympathize with you.
Find a lawyer, find out where you would stand - sm
in the event of a divorce/separation, regarding custody, house, etc. Custody was my main concern as well since I lied on numerous occasions about the finances. Where I am I was told that would not factor in to the custody at all. I can prove that I am my kids caregiver 90% of the time, I ferry they around everywhere, help with homework, get ready for school, meet at busstop, etc. I could also point out my husband is an alcoholic, self treats his depression with alcohol instead of getting proper medical treatment, has threatend to kill himself (or me) numerous times (though he always says he was joking and did not mean it.....that is his standard answer to everything, or that he never said that). Now I do love him enough to deal with all that because deep down inside my DH is full of it, luckily for me, he has never followed through on anything he says he is going to do. But I thought my confession would be the straw that broke it all and send him over the edge. He still is angry with me, I am sure he will be for a long time, but is keeping it together pretty well, though he has said the stress was going to kill him, now he know how I felt I guess. I am sorry your husband is such a smuck. I feel like a dog sometimes with the sex demands, have to do it the night before he goes out of town....he will be traveling a lot for work for the next 3-4 months, which I am more than glad about, much calmer here then, though it gets tiring for me but as he is not really helping much right now it really won't be much of a change. As for yours going on 5 day weekends.....have you considered having him followed, sounds like there may be some infidelity afoot, and if so that would strengthen your case in the event of a divorce and custody I would think. Sounds a bit fishy going out until 1 a.m. and his frequent trips. My DH fishes too, but he goes 2 miles from here with one of our male neighbors, they shoot the breeze and he gets to unwind some which I encourage. Very rare weekends with a buddy of his, I am talking once every 2 years, which again is fine with me. Start keeping track of all you do, when he is home, where he supposedly goes, with whom, etc. He cannot show he will be a responsible dad if he is never there or never interacts with his own kids. My DH would probably suggest I take our older daughter and he the younger, spliting them up, he has the same perception, the oldest is mine, the youngest is his. Our younger daughter is much easier to deal with, our older daughter drives him nuts and she is only 10. My younger one (8) knows something has been going one though, and worries we will divorce, which she does not want. She is very perceptive for her years. I hope that if you do go the divorce route, which would actually probably be best in your situation, that it all works out for you and you get your fair share of assets, etc. Make sure before you do anything like that you have all your ducks in a row, so talk to divorce lawyer. I talked to one for 45 minutes, cost me $160 but was worth it to set my mind at ease. Good luck.
Things you're afraid of vs. things you're not
I didn't used to be afraid of spiders, but I seem to have developed a fear of those little beasties. I also can't stand boats, water deeper than my hot tub and bridges. I'm also fairly convinced that UFOs, if not aliens (well, isn't anything driving those things?) are real, so that kinda scares me, yet it is strangely fascinating. I'm also afraid of El Chupacabra, though I'm very certain that's not real. It's one of those "hahahahaha" fears.
Things other people fear that I do not include snakes (awwww, they so cute! they look like they're smiling!), rats, gangbangers (except Mara Salvatrucha, move them up to my "scary" list), poverty, death, traveling at high rates of speed with almost anyone sober, bats (CUTE!!!!!), homeless people, Sasquatch, most of my male friends, bears, mountain lions.
Fear is such an odd thing, don't you think? So much of it is relative to our own experiences in life, yet at the same time some of them are downright irrational.
So, how 'bout you? What will send you running screaming in the other direction, and what things can you take care of when someone else goes running screaming in the other direction?
I know how hard it is......sm
I understand what you're saying. God didn't give us the ability to forget, just the strength to get through it. Have you talked with your husband. Does he seem happy to have this child or has he ever said he was sorry for ever wanting that now that the child is here? Maybe if you could hear him say he was sorry for ever wanting that and couldn't imagine your child not being here, maybe that would help. Seeing true remorse in a person goes a long way in helping you deal with this.
Hard to say
If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have married my husband. He and I are not very well suited to each other at all. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful son, so I can't say I entirely regret it. And after 27 years of marriage, my husband and I finally have a great relationship, with the help of an excellent marriage counselor. What's that saying - I've been happily married for 8 years, but we were married 27 years ago. 
I'm sorry - I know it must be hard for you (sm)
I don't have experience with it, but at lesat she is making the decision and you don't have to make it. There are also assisted living facilities that are not so much a nursing home, if you think that would be an option for her. Best wishes to you.
i know it is hard to believe
but I didn't see a pay phone in the dorm. You can get a room phone installed but it is expensive. I guess that is a thought though.
Even if I could contact AIM, I don't think I would. He is 18 and really I can't tell them not to let him use his free account. He's an adult (at least in terms of the law) even if he isn't acting very mature. The way it is now, I can see if he is online and talk to him. If I did something like that he would jsut make up a new screen name that I wouldn't have at all. I just don't think that is a good idea.
This is so hard
Your dog is beautiful. I know how attached you get and how much love these little guys give us.
We just had to go through much the same thing with our 9-year-old lab, Murphy. He got pancreatitis and was very sick, started to get better, but then really took a turn for the worse. He was unable to get up and walk and just cried and cried. After a couple of days, we all decided it was best to have him euthanized. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but none of us could stand to watch him suffer any more. He has had this look in his eyes like he was saying let me go.
Not saying that that is the right decision for you. I think you will know in your heart when it is time. Just try to keep him as comfortable and happy as possible.
My heart goes out to you and Fox.
re: having a hard day/NC MT
It depends on where your degree is from, and where you plan to go to school. If your college credit is from a community college, it should most certainly transfer. You really have to check with a counselor from the school you wish to attend. Good luck!
I'm so sorry...I know it must be so hard (sm)
at least it has only been 8 months though...so you two have no children together, right? No having to beg for sex when you are a newlywed is not normal. I have a lot of marital issues myself thought not similar...please e-mail me if you want to talk!
7 is a hard age sm
Had a 2nd grader who was after much angst by all, diagnosed as gifted. I was able to put him in private school, quieter, excelled at everything, is now an entrepeneur and doctoral candidate. It was not easy to pay the bills, but worked harder than ever. The school had me thinking it was my parenting skills, or lack of them, his behavior, his needing more male positive image, etc., etc. If I had istened to them he would have been put in a special class with those with learning difficulties. All in all, I was crying every day. Took a lot of time and energy. Looking back, his teacher was at fault for mislabeling him and not appreciating his talent. I think he was smarter than she was. We shudder at even the mention of her name. Some don't deserve to be teaching. Don't let her be mislabeled. Thank goodness, I knew someone in the field who tested as I was transcribing his work. It's a very hard road you have in front of you. Don't be discouraged, please. Good luck with it, it's very difficult. Keep examining the whole picture. God bless you.
So sorry. I know this has to be so hard
but she obviously is in a very loving home. Take a little comfort in knowing that you gave her a wonderful life.
it must be hard
person... i mean if you have only felt the need to apologize one time that must be some sort of record. correct me if i'm wrong, but you were apologizing at that particular time even though you were not at fault?
I did it on my own. It was not hard. No one else will
It did take some time to educate myself but it was not difficult. Got Money magazine and started reading. Also read other mags. I did have someone to talk to but could have done it without this person. Also, the investment groups 800 numbers were able to answer questions I had. It was acutally fun, in an odd way, knowing I was taking care of me, without having to pay someone else to do it. And that someone else would also be paid, out of my money, for giving me advice I could find for myself.
It's so hard to know ....
It's so hard to know the truth when these stories are printed in the Enquirer and papers of that kind. I hope this is one of those stories that turn out to be just sensationalism. How sad for him if it isn't!
What's hard is that
we have been keeping all of our kids' college funds in the stockmarket. After a big hit in 2001, they were doing OK. But now that we're really having to use them, the money just isn't there.
I'm wondering if it makes more sense to keep the money in the market (waiting for recovery) and take out a loan for the college tuition.
No wonder it's so hard to get through - and why
And yet US hospitals are trusting confidential data to the people who built that tangled mess. Unbelievable.
It's really hard to tell ...
what the true tones of some of these texts are meant to be.
It seems what I am reading is saying to tell the truth in an abstract way, just not in a personal way.
If anyone cares, my kids are only 4, 5, and 8, so the subject of my experience with alcohol and sex would be totally inappropriate. I was just wondering if anyone had an experience where being truthful with their older kids (18+) about herself was helpful. Apparently not?
me too and its so hard! nm
x
Not too hard for me, either.
I probably only eat meat 3 times a week as it is. I've committed to a vegetarian diet several times before in my life, and kept it up the longest for about 3 years. The thing that pulls me back to the meat eating side is hamburgers. I don't know why, but I love 'em! Really good ones... not fast food "patties". Also, I don't have any issues about not eating animals. I think some animals are quite tasty. But I can do fine without eating them, too. Were I more committed to vegetarian philosophy, I'm sure it would be a different story.
Too hard for me
b
Hard liquor.
Way to go. I know it is hard, did it about 12 years ago (sm)
now my husband who was a die-hard smoker has gone 2 months without.
He finds it great that now when we go anywhere he can relax and not worry about the next location he can light up.
Thoughts are with you. It's a tough fight but you can do it.
Hard drive?
Hello...sorry for the beginner question, but if I purchase a hard drive, are they generic to any computer? Or do they need to be specific for the computer they are going to be put into? It's going to go into an HP Pavilion. I just want to get a 40GB hard drive that doesn't cost too much. Any info. would be appreciated.
I know you're right - it's hard to do though! (sm)
But I think that is what I have to do! Thanks!
WW is hard for about 2 days (sm)
It's hard when you're adjusting your intake amounts and type of food, but it's sound science to lose weight with. However, the biggest key for me was changing my mindset. I had lost and gained several times in the past--65 pounds, then 42 pounds, 5 pounds, 10 pounds, etc. I scared the crud out of myself at age 25 and was finally scared straight.
When I was 25, I had a bunch of weird neurological symptoms and had an MRI done. My neurologist asked me, "Why are you having strokes?" Holy cow--what? I was a healthy, obese woman with two young girls, not having stroke symptoms.
That night I thought about my baby girl and 3-year-old girl. My husband would run off to work in the morning and be gone until 5 p.m. I would be lying motionless on the bed, unable to care for my little girls because I ate my way to a massive stroke. My baby would be crying out for me for food and a pants change. My oldest could throw her some Cheerios but that's about it until my husband came home.
I know it is not completely rational, but that was the catalyst that got me going. I started with my old WW calculator and went down from 235.5 pounds to 112 pounds. I'm 5 feet 5 inches and 28 now. I've kept the weight off for over a year, most of it for 2 years (most of the weight came off in about a year), and even kept it off through a pregnancy. I was at my prepregnancy weight at 3 days postpartum.
Anyway, I'm rambling. My tips for you--don't drink your calories, eat high-fiber cereal every morning, and save some points for whatever you like to eat. I always saved a couple points every night for ice cream. Oh yeah, and weigh every day. That way you'll know what foods affect your weight and which don't.
I haven't counted points for a couple of years. I weigh every day and know when I need to forget a snack for the night by my weight in the morning. I have control of this beast called weight control, and it is a beast.
Be prepared, though. People won't tell an obese person that he or she needs to lose weight, but people will take every liberty to tell a formerly fat person that he or she needs to gain some weight, never mind the health part of weight gain.
Good luck!
It's hard, but be strong for your mom and go.
If this is a family gathering, I'd go and be as polite as I could stomach, and then leave and take it up with her at a later time. Can't say I wouldn't flash her the ol' stinkeye once or twice when no one was looking though.
Here, those jobs are HARD to get
The elementary aide jobs in this county pay @$12.00/hour (your location may vary),lots of paid holidays, great hours, vacation time, sick days, insurance, and retirement.
I worked as an aide in an elementary school in the past when I was in a master's degree program but left the program (and the area) when I had a financial downturn.
To give you an idea of what it may entail, in my school I had duties such as hall duty (keeping the noise to a dull roar and horseplay to a minimum in the morning before classes begin and after school), cafeteria duty (making sure the right classes go to the right tables and fetching forgotten forks, napkins, and condiments), bus duty (helping children get on the right buses), as well as things such as testing for reading level placement and working with one group of students in a subject while the teacher works with another group.
Some of the aide jobs are more clerical in nature, some are in the library, some are to help the special education kids. Once you get in, you can usually find your niche and gravitate towards it.
It is never routine! I, too, am a burned out MT now and would love to get one of those jobs again, but it is very difficult to obtain one here.
Parenting is so hard.......
I am in no way saying that you are being a controlling parent. I understand that just becuase they are in college you can't and don't just say okay, now you are an "adult" you are on your own, go ahead and make mistakes. I myself and a bit controlling (kids are 17 and 15) and am trying really hard to tame that. I learned it from my "other" mother. She was very controlling with my younger brother (from her first marriage) all the way through his college years. He ended up marrying a very controlling person and that marriage lasted 4 years. He is now in a seemingly happy marriage but she is also quite controlling. I think it is a very fine line that we have to walk in giving them wings but also holding on when we see such obvious mistakes. Remeber the boy he was before he met this girl, the boy you raised with sounds like good values. Give him a little more time. About taking away the car I see why you did it. He blantly defied a rule and then lied about it. Maybe to try to build up the trust take it away for a shorter time and give him another chance. JMO! I really hope this gets worked out soon. I can only imagine how hard it is to have your child away for the first time and then these problems thrown in. Good luck.
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