Glad you recognize it's the PARENT here
Posted By: Me on 2007-05-28
In Reply to: It's going to be a long summer. I need advice....sm - fed up
and not this CHILD who is probably miserable being the way he is!
You MAY have tried everything possible not to ostracize him (without jeopardizing your kids' safety) but consider if there is a way to HELP him - he is probably desparate for the RIGHT kind of attention.
Think about it. and consider what type of ADULT he might turn out to be if no NORMAL adults try to help him.
Just the weight issue alone is a sign this family is in trouble.
GOOD luck.
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No! Not if you are not their parent! (sm)
I think that it is better for the parents to tell the children from the very beginning that they were "chosen" and tell them how much they were wanted and how much they are loved. Since they didn't do that, it certainly is no one else's place to do so! If someone slips and the kids go and ask the parents, that's one thing, but for someone else to sit them down and tell them behind the parents' back would be really, really traumatic for them and very wrong!! Please don't do it!!
i am not even a parent, but
i have been blown away by the violent video games, trashy clothes and rude behavior of children and the parents who allow this. kudos to you! what you are doing is wonderful. keep it up.
I am a parent and it seems to me...
that if there are no consequences for her actions, she will more likely do whatever she wants in the future, not think about it and do the right thing. In the real world, she will have to do what superiors tell her to do, or there will be consequences. I think that it is a parent's responsibility to prepare children for that. Of course, I assume that this is an active parent who already speaks to her child and knows what is going on. I believe in obtrusive parenting.
And it should be...why should one parent
bear the brunt of all expenses. It is not too much to ask for the other parent to chip in.
Did you ever think maybe NEITHER parent
Nobody is guaranteed that their parent HAS to pay for their college. It is an option, not a requirement by law. However, if the child got a job and is putting themselves through school, and NEITHER parent is contributing, in Indiana, even if the child is away at school but uses the custodial parent's address as the place they go when school is on break, non-custodial is still forced to pay child support to custodial.
IMO custodial parent should lose that title AND child support when child reaches legal adult age of 18. Then if child support MUST be continued by law merely because child is a student, it should be paid directly to the 18+ year old adult!!!!
Your doctor says this, but you are the parent
and you are going on the theory that she will not become sexually active nor show up with sexually transmitted diseases up to the age of 17. That is your responsibility, not the physicians to choose or not. There are a lot of girls sexually active way before 17 What makes you think your daughter is different?
I think depends a lot on the parent.
My mom does nothing but preach about how horrible girls are and how she wishes that she had only boys. (I am her only daughter, so imagine how that makes me feel.) Let's compare my teen years with my brother's. Me: Straight A student, preferred books to running with friends, worked from age 14, saved my money, bought my own clothes, received scholarships and paid my way through college. Brother: Drugs, parties, bad grades, skipped school, finally quit and joined army and cursed mom out as he left home. Beyond the teen years, I've been married 23 years to a wonderful man, have three great kids (boys). Brother has three ex-wives and who knows how many children. Oh! And the cherry on this sundae... when I was 16, my brother tried to kill me. Beat me nearly half to death, choked me and police came to take him away. Still, in mom's eyes, he can do no wrong and girls are all evil.
OK. Just a little vent. We all need one now and then.
Noncustodial Parent
Children pay dearly when adults act like this. They need their mom, dad, grandparents, and family members in their lives on a REGULAR basis. Withholding visitation for any reason will come back to haunt the custodial parent one day ... and their children will pay the price.
As a parent of an adopted
child, I would definitely say the answer is 'no" and it is for this very reason that my husband and I have from the beginning talked to our son about the fact that he is special because he is adopted - we wanted to be the ones to tell him the truth rather than him hear it from someone else. This is definitely something that the parents should do and should do so when they feel comfortable talking about it with their children...My son is 6 and he knows he is adopted. He understands that he came from someone elses belly (he's my heart baby as we have told him. We answer his questions when he asks them and tell him just want he asked for - divulging nothing else to confuse him - take for instance at 4 is when he noticed my SIL's pregnant belly and knew the baby was there - he at that point put 2-n-2 together and realized something was up - which prompted us to talk about him being from someone else's belly. Then a few months ago he asked about this other person - why she didn't keep him, what was her name....(yes we were very surprised as our social worker said little boys are usually much older before they really inquire!)...but we answered his questions reinforcing the positives of being adopted because he had brought us so much happiness and that this other woman did love him enough to know she couldn't raise him and loved him enough to give him to us -making us a family! Sorry for rambling....adoption issues usually get me on a soap box sometimes!! Either way the answer to your question is definitely not your place to tell - leave it up to the parents.
Need some advice whether you are a parent or not
Sorry that this is a bit long....One of the doctors I work for is also my step-uncle. He is my step-mother's (been married to my dad for 29 years) brother. He is an ENT doctor and goes to Africa a couple of times a year to do cleft lip and palate surgeries. Each trip is 2 weeks long and has been put together by my uncle and a couple of other christian doctors to also bring the message of christ to the patients and their families. Well, my uncle just called me to tell me they are working on the trip for July of next year and would like to add my son to the team. He will be 17 by then and getting ready to start his senior year in high school. I have often talked about my son on this board and always said he was very responsible for his age. My son, my DH and my uncle have discussed this in the past and my son really wants to do this. He is defintely planning on going into medicine and is a strong christian. I know this is a chance of a lifetime but I can't help but worry if letting him go is the right thing to do. Normally if anyone under 18 goes they have to have a parent with them but my uncle will be his legal guardian for the trip since they can only take a limited number of people.
Here is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time with the decision. My son was at VA Tech on a high school field trip the day of the shootings and this is where he plans on attending college. Since then I have kept a bit of a tighter grip on him. I know he would be devestated if we said no (actucally my DH is all for the trip). Has anyone had any experience similar to this or any opinions on my situation? Thanks.
Another Husky parent!
Wow! A lot of you guys have this breed of dog! They sure are gorgeous! Who is the brown "dude" in the lower left corner trying to sneak in on the shot? Too cute! :)
I have right to my opinion, same as you. Parent job
x
Do think being parent alone protects someone from
x
any parent who ever let their kid idolize her should be.....
nm
were you a single parent
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Please tell me I am not the only parent to feel this way
I am a mother of 3 children a boy 18, a girl 11, and a boy 5. In my home, driving is not a right of passage, it is a privilege. You must obey house rules, keep your grades up, and you have to purchase your own vehicle. You must also have a job to pay for insurance and gas, as we are not a bank or an ATM machine at your disposal. If you cannot follow the above, umm sorry 'bout your luck!
Am I the only parent out there with children that sees no point in cell phones for kids, especially for the younger ones. I swear most of the kids my daughter's age DO have one and she is 11. Am I one of the few who monitors what their children watch on TV? Am I the only parent that makes their children earn time for video games and then has a set time limit for it when they do get to play? Am I the only mother in the world who thinks its horrible to let your daughter run around in clothing with words across the behind?? Seriously who do you think is looking at this and why do you want to draw attention to your child's rear end? Ooohhh ya and all the parents who sign their kids up for little league things and dump and run. These practices and events are not free babysitting!!! I honestly know of a few mothers that take their daughters to gymnastics and leave them there and go down to the bar and grill and have a few drinks while they wait for their kids!
Okay, so I know it sounds like I am whining, but I have had enough! I am tired of being told by other parents that I am a prude, I need to catch up to the times, and the one I hate most of all is "our kids need us to be their friends"! I have a responsibility to my children to RAISE them.
My children and I all have good relationships. We talk about everything under the sun. They come to me with most of their troubles or questions and know they have nothing to fear, I will hear anything and answer them openly and honestly.
That can be done without letting the "tail wag the dog" so to speak. Are ppl to busy or so self-absorbed anymore to take the time to raise their children?
Not a grandmother but parent myself
Well maybe you were a little defensive then and not resentful but reading your post it sounded like the things you do with/for your kids were more like chores instead of things you chose to do. I am not a grandparent but still a parent as both my sons still live at home as they go to college. I see too many people who just leave their kids to fend for themselves, 2-3 nights every week and every weekend during hockey season and other sports seasons...sorry if I offended you but that's the way you came off.
I see nothing wrong with asking your parent
This was my father and I was his next of kin. You try to make it sound dramatic as if he were dying. He was in excellent health with no medical issues at all. He had no other family members except for grandchildren, nieces and nephews. No wife, no siblings. I asked if I outlived him could I have the property. He lived out of state. When I asked him he did a quick deed, I paid for all insurance on the property as well as property taxes for about 4 years prior to his getting killed in an accidental death. I only wish I had asked my mother prior to her death (being as I was her only living child) if I could have had her personal belongings. I did not get those and should have. I learned when she died not to hold back if you want something. Now really, how would you feel if you were an only child and was bypassed with things that rightfully should be yours in the first place. Even in a court of law, a child comes first before others in who gets what when it comes to things like this. Don’t get on your soap box.
No one except a parent can understand, eh??!! sm
Ridiculous, with just a hint of "gotta-belong-to-my-club" elitism tossed in. Any sentient and compassionate human being can understand the issues, perhaps even better than someone whose judgment is emotionally clouded, and including the travesty that false hope and half-truths cause every day in the medical industry. (Hint: Go stand at the Mexican border where you can collect the sad stories.)
Please re-read my post. I did not suggest that ESC research should not go forward. I was merely giving the rest of the facts about the dismal history and science of ESC research so far that Obama so conveniently omitted, and saying that we need to do this with protections for embryos in place.
I was just giving you the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey used to say. I'm sorry if it's an "inconvenient truth", and despite my reservations, I do wish the very best for your child just as I do for the unborn embryos now at increased risk.
You don’t seem to be a strong parent
With teenage drinking, driving and the like, why even take the chance of having a diaster in the making waiting around the corner. I just do not see my ever wimping out to my child's father or anyone else for that matter. I guess you don’t want to look like the bad guy but here I think you really do.
single-parent dating (sm)
I'm not sure that the length of time you have been dating is really relevant as other posters mentioned. If you feel you need to have the relationship defined, it should be and when it is, you need to decide what to do next.
It is SO hard to date when you have a child, especially a daughter that you want to raise with good morals and self esteem. In order to build a good relationship and be sure the guy likes your kid, you have to invest time and expose the child(ren) to him. If he's not *the one* then you have to repeat the process, thereby exposing you kids to men, attachments, and as far as I'm concerned, confusion on the part of the kids.
I came to this conclusion shortly after my ex and I split when my daughter was 5. I dated one guy, we broke up, and didn't date again until she was out of high school.
I also identified with a line in Jerry MacGuire; words to the effect that spending time with my kid was more fun and fulfilling than any frog or potential prince.
It's my opinion and only my opinion that we had our lives, made our decisions, had our fun, made our mistakes, brought kids into the world and they should be our focus. It's hard to focus and give full attention to a child when there is guy anxiety.
I know many have done it and have been extremely successful with merging families and doing the step-dad/mom thing. I just didn't think it was fair to gamble with my child's future... things don't always happen in real life like they do in movies...
All of this was probably of no help, but I sincerely think you do need to stop and think what is going to give you peace of mind, not necessarily happiness or instant gratification, and know that whatever does give you peace of mind will benefit your child.
Good luck, sweetie! :-)
Isn't that sad? And touch & parent's voices are
s
In his case 1 parent dishonored himself
The guy's mother was fine with his name change. The father had 11 children and get this, had a whole separate family on outside. His little scheme came to an end when the mother found out and divorce ended that. So a name change "dishonors" a "dishonest" father. Your post does not fly in this situation. Sometimes parents cannot be honored- I know my own father molested my granddaughter- should I still honor him because of his being my father?? Think not.
Step up and be the parent! If he decides he wants
x
Parent apathy is what allows school to think noone
x
You sound like an excellent parent
I do not have any children, but having grown up with parents who sound just like you I am grateful for what they did for me. I didn't have what every other kid had and I had to earn what I did get. We were involved in girl scouts and my mom was the leader of our troop. She was involved in everything we did and she did not believe in using activities as a babysitter. For babysitting she hired a girl down the road. So I am grateful to have the parents I had (mom's gone but dad is still alive). They instilled values in me and if I ever had kids I would raise them the same exact way my parents raised me. So good for you and I know when your kids are grown with kids of their own they'll remember what you did for them and will be thankful to you. I wish more parents were like you (my sister could take some lessons for sure - but that's a whole nother post).
The way I see it (and lived it) the biological parent
needs to step up to the plate and handle things. I'm sure of the woman who started this post had a husband that backed her up, she wouldn't be nearly as upset. I'VE LIVED/AM LIVING THROUGH THIS and my stepchild live with us 100% of the time (husband had custody). Sweet and first but things turned sour quickly. And guess what? My husband did very little in terms of taking care of his son, forcing him to be accountable for his behavior, etc. In turn, I ended up being the heavy and HATED for it (still am, and he's an adult now).
I was very young when I married my husband and didn't know what I was in for, just as the OP. You think, how can this sweet child be anything but good? You honestly have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Especially when other people will tell you that they CAN make step-families work. I think they work when/if the biological parent is firm with the child and sets the boundaries for that child, and the stepparent doesn't have to.
It's so difficult. I really feel for the orig poster.
Any parent who choses to has the option of
But out here, I doubt there are many parents who are that fearful. There are bigger things to worry about (fires, economy, earthquakes, 401K, jobs) than whether or not our kids are 'emotionally scarred for life' by witnessing a same-sex marriage! :D
If a child is a minor, it is the parent's
responsibility to get them to school and make sure they stay there. One mother here in my town had to go and sit with her daughter at school everyday for a while just to be sure she was there.
With you it's ok, you are a parent, a friend, whatever, but a teacher?...nm
nm
This person said below she does not want to be a strong parent
I for one would have never written such a post. Not only are you wimping out as a parent but you are also underwriting a child breaking the law. Shame on you big time! You are supposed to be a parent but seems like you want to go back to being a child?
And you are the type of parent who kids
That's right, that's you.
I was a teacher's and parent's dream
I was the sort of kid who'd ruin the curve for everyone else. I studied all the time, had straight A's, was the Editor of the school paper and the yearbook, worked in the school office, and graduated at the top of my class. About the most outlandish thing I did was get a part-time job at Burger King. eek!
Ok. I am feeling so horrible as a parent right now. My 2 year old son has a sm
wicked case of the chicken pox. Apparently, I missed his 18 month appointment which I completely forgot about - I mean, they make it 6 months in advance and then don't call to remind you about it (I'm not trying to escape responsibility)...So now he is running a very high fever of 104.0, is itching like crazy, and I feel so bad. The doc told me today that he shouldn't have gotten the illness (saying it sarcastically because he knew I missed the appointment)! Talk about adding to my misery.....
has anyone done anything like this before? I feel like total crap...You haven't a clue how bad I feel....And let's top it off with this - my husband came to the appointment and all the while I'm getting "drilled" by this doctor - my husband looks at me and says, "Don't look at me like that. It's not MY fault he didn't get the vaccine. You're home all day with them. You missed the appointment, not me!" Talk about support...I have none! 
wow that's SO true-we tend to the elder parent who....
at least some of us will make/made that choice - I certainly did.....well, the abusive one died many years prior to the nonabusive parent (the Lord does have one strange sense of humor I thought back then *lol*) and took care of the nonabusive parent for 10 years until their demise.
Children are forgiving, but if a parent NEVER says *I'm sorry* or *I was wrong* when, indeed, they are/were wrong, well I do not believe children/offspring forget.
just my 3 cents worth......
The noncustodial parent needs to get court-ordered...
visitation, which the custodial parent will have to abide by.
U R taking easy/lazy way out. Be the parent even if
x
I just don't see why any parent would just allow a child decide to move out
It makes no sense to me. He is 16 years old and still a child. I guess I just don't understand how you have no problem with him deciding to move out and not even try to do anything about it other than take his house key. It sounds as though this 16-year old is running the show here. The whole thing is very disturbing to me.
Why is a parent volunteer in charge of the ESL child?!? sm
I'm astounded that this task is being left to someone who is not even a teacher, let alone not a specialist. Is this a financially depressed area/school that has lack of funding for such programs? Or a school that normally doesn't have ESL kids and they just don't know what to do with him?
Bless you for trying, I don't have any answers, just a dumbfounded look on my face.
So tired of parent teaching kids it is always other
x
I was divorced, did not call myself a single parent
and I worked lots of jobs to make a living, not 1 red cent from the father of my son, never and I bought and made it all myself- I took them around their relatives, they always had a good home, involved in their schooling, the whole 9 yards. I am not responsible for a child turning against their mother for their love of money (the son). Others on her asking what phone call more important than my daughter, well having a phone call with an aunt who is in hospice with metastatic cancer in their late 80s.....
Other things could be happening here. Call parent
I agree that your daughter is responsible for her phone and her charges. She should take it up with her friend and/or the friend's mother.
But you, as the adult, should also contact the other child's mother, and here's why. A lovely woman I know recently had to hospitalize her 15-year-old daughter after a suicide attempt. It's a long story, but basically, she got mixed up in an online romance. She was cut off from computer and cell phones at home, but she was working around it everywhere else. In the end, when it was all discovered, along with other things happening, this young girl tried to kill herself over the entire mess.
It could be that the girl who did the texting is not allowed to text, and this is how she worked around it. It could be a simple thing or not. Maybe she was running up text messages on her parents plan, and her parents put a stop to it. Or it could be that she's contacting someone that her parents don't want her to contact. In any case, her parents need to know that she is sending text messages. Provide them with that information. What you do about the bill is a different matter, I think.
You're the parent, she's a minor child
This is sadly too common. Your daughter is pushing your bottons in a big way.
I remember being that age and partying it up. One day it just became very boring and that was the end of it. Sadly, many people I knew didn't have it quite that easy.
My first real love and a friend of his were killed from DWI at 19. Not only did they hit a car with a family of 6 (who managed to live), the rest of us had 2 funerals to go to. The priest for my boyfriend's funeral was actually his uncle!
The pattern she displays is not good. Many "good girls" hit this age and venture into situations which they're ill-equipped to handle.
My guess is that she's doing plenty more than she says. It's not that she doesn't love you.
I have no idea how expensive it is to get a drug test done on her hair, but that may be one avenue. Of course, it'd be easy to get hair from a brush, etc. I have no idea how you could get a UDS unless you simply asked her point-blank for one (since she claims she has nothing to hide). I'm just not buying it, I'm sorry to say.
About 2-3 years ago a friend of mine from high school was found dead in her apt. from alcoholism. This was one of the girls who had parties at her house in high school. She didn't even live to see 50 and died alone, sick, and miserable. When I found out from another friend I was surprised at first, but started retracing backwards and it was clear as a bell. Her father was an alcoholic. We didn't realize the significance of alcoholism in previous generations like we do now.
I also agree with another post I read about that this is "your" home, so she needs to abide by your rules. Of course, Dr. Phil says that all the time, too.
I can't have kids, but I remember being one. Speaking of Dr. Phil, maybe you could check his boards, too.
It's so frustrating to get to this point, but just know that many here will support you and offer as much advice as possible, even if it may be from an MT without kids.
Please keep us posted, and best of luck to you.
I'll call the other kid's parent, make them pay the bill
One would assume your daughter thought the girl was just making a quick call. It is irresponsible of the other person to text on your daughters phone. I'm all for your daughter being responsible but it seems that she was totally taken advantage of and that just isn't fair.
Why wait for dad? When you do that, you imply you are the weaker parent, for lack of
You told him to sit for 4 hours (which I agree was harsh for an 8-yo) and gave in after 30 mins. Say what you mean and mean what you say, or the kids will think you're a pushover. Don't leave dad to be the enforcer, you enforce the rules, otherwise they'll fear dad but not you. Know what I mean?
So the 'right way' to parent is to teach your kids to hate.
nm
EXCUSE ME! Smoking and/or drinking does not make you a bad parent! sm
I smoke. I drink margaritas when I choose too. This does not have any effect on how I raise my children. One is a straight A student. The third is an average student. Then I have my 21yo who is excelling in the nursing program and just told me tonight I was a great mom no matter how she used to argue with me, which she did and regularly. Smoking and/or drinking does not play a role in life unless you are an alcoholic. Just because someone drinks, they are not and guess what... they can still be a mom/dad and raise wonderful children.
If you want to pick something that is wrong, how about a church that teaches children to fast when they are only 11 and already underweight (not mine but a friend's). That is more wrong.
What kind of parent gives their child permission to break the law?
How do you know for sure there's only going to be 3 people there? Any adults? What kind of alcohol? How much? Will she end up in the ER close to death from alcohol poisoning? She knows it's not right or she wouldn't have asked. Telling her it's okay to break the law - you'd better hope nothing bad happens, she will be telling the police or whatever that she had your permission (and are you going to lie and deny it, putting it all on her?)
Sadly, I work because I'm a workaholic..too many years of being a single parent..
Most days it helps keep my sanity, and quite honestly, I do have older children from another that I choose to help put through college and pay their bills until they are out of school. That is something I contribute. My husband pays for everything else and we do like cruises..and just traveling. We have a place in Hawaii and Las Vegas is one of our favorite places to go..and even then, I take my computer along and work. Nothing better than working away from home, change of scenery. My husband hasnt "worked" in probably 20 years..he owns commercial property and manages that which there is not a lot to do with. His sister and he own the property and she does the bookkeeping part leaving him with not a lot to do..but I keep him busy  . It is hard because he has always traveled and likes to go all the time..whereas I like working..The property is up for sale so I guess if it sells then I might retire..maybe..I'd probably go nuts sitting around, and even when I'm on vacation..I freak out if I am not working.. Yeah.. it's an addiction..bad.. I wonder if anyone else in this biz has the same problem. I've always worked 2-4 jobs..but the obsession has gotten worse when I started working at home..Anyone else not being able to relax and smell the roses???
Has anyone here had the painful problem of having to place their parent in a nursing home? SM
My beautiful dad passed away last year. My mother and father were devoted to one another, my mother always "taken care of" by my father in every way, married 67 great years. My mom has always had excellent health, but after about 1-1/2 years, she has deteriorated to the point where I do not know her and I am scared, she is frail, not eating, almost unable to walk, struggles to dress herself or do for herself, will not accept a home health aide, we are trying to cook and clean for her at home but it is getting very scary, she just turned 90 and she seems to be failing fast. I am so sorry this is so long, but it is all so complicated, it is like she gave up the second my dad died. Anyone go through this yet????
Glad everything is okay! nm
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