Expectations
Posted By: Mom of 3 on 2006-11-03
In Reply to: Message to Mom of 3 below. - Sophie
You may think my parenting style is abusive, but my children tell me all the time that they wish their friends parents would be like us and take control of their children so they would be more responsible. They look at my daughter like she is nuts when she has to call before she she leaves the dance studio to go to dinner between dance classes and she calls when she returns to the studio. It's our rule and she follows it, because she knows its for her safety and well-being. A lot of the girls parents there aren't even aware that they leave the studio for dinner. To me, that is wrong!
If you expect less than perfection, that's what you get. Think of it this way, if you tell your children C's in school are the average, then that is all they will strive for. On the other hand, if you expect your children to get all A's and they try their darndest to get that A and get a B..that's ok, because they aimed for the A, not the C. But if they did not put in 100% effort, then that B is not acceptable and there are repercussions for it.
Just becuase UGU all forget things and make mistakes does not mean that my children need to be raised to think it's ok to do so.
Again, my opinion. :)
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You are definitely over the top on expectations - sm
Yes, its good to push your kids to strive to do well and give it their all. We want our kids to get A's too. I am glad to see you say a B is acceptable if they tried hard enough, but what if they did try hard, but you don't think they did, then is the B acceptable? My DH drills my poor kids on things that don't matter, keeps at them like a rabid dog until he gets the answer he wants to hear, and is slowly alienating them. I am the more laid back one, though I dish out the discipline (he wants them to like him at all times). I have told him time and time again to cut the crap and that one day in the not to distant future they will just stop talking to him because of what he does, I dread the day but know it will come. I plan to keep the lines of communication open and they will at least have one parent they can talk to without being drilled to death. I expect your kids will one day to the same. You have to let go and trust some, having your daughter call when she leaves to eat is a bit much. I can see having her call you to get picked up but that is about it. She needs space to learn to be her own person, and not have to check in with mommy every 10 minutes to let you know she is okay. Believe me that will grow old and one day she will just stop doing it and you are gonna freak when that happens. My mom was overprotective but not the the controlling extent you are. I had to tell them where I was going, with whom, if we were going out, what time I'd be back, etc. I was a given freedom but was watched over too. Plus they new my friends well and knew I did not run with a bad crowd or anything. You need to loosen the leash some though if you really want your kids to learn about responsibility, you are way too controlling for your own (and their) good.
Age expectations
I read the post about the hair length below.. I just have to say that I am so tired of women being put into a "Do and Don't" category just because they reach 40 or older. I am 47.. I act 47.. or at least I try too, but when it comes to my hair, my clothes (except for short shorts and mini skirts, which I have never worn), I do what I want as long as it looks attractive and not silly. Short hair, long hair, blue jeans, polyester pants, music, lifestyles, television shows... we are all expected to behave a certain way and watch certain things on TV, wear certain type clothes, and keep our hair a certain length just because with hit a certain age. Who says!!!! Did a bunch of stuck up old women start this trend years ago.. I listen to very loud rock music.. always have and always will. It keeps me young and it helps me with my saturday morning house work. My friends say "why do you still listen to that".. well, why not? I always have. Why change because I'm 47. I like to play xbox 360 games.. They're fun! They don't get that either. I guess I am supposed to sit around drinking coffee or tea all day and quietly stare at the wall. Is fun no longer allowed when you reach a certain age? Sorry.. just my thoughts on getting older.. You are definitely only as old as you feel.
On the age expectations, you are only
as old as you feel. I was divorced at 40 (10 years ago) and my mother (who is now 71) said I act more like a teenager now than I did when I was one. My SO is my age, been together for 8 years, and we do many fun things now that our kids are old enough to leave for a while. In fact, my 18-year-old says we go out more than she does!!!!
Expectations ALWAYS become premeditated resentments. With that said, (sm)
she is not going to change and you are not going to change her. However< I would not give up on the friendship, because there must be something there that matters otherwise it would not hurt you. Just begin to accept her that she is like this and try not make her act the way you think she should act. If you don't expect her to handle things a certain way, then you won' be disappointed when she she doesn't
:)
Met mine via Great Expectations sm
I dated many "quality men" via that route in the 90s (many engineers, financial men, oil men, etc.). Only 2 bad ones out of "tntc." One was a legend in his own mind and got kicked out. The other took me to a very nice restaurant, had $/excellent job, decent guy otherwise, but didn't open the door coming or going into the restaurant. That did it for me!
I don't know about it now, as I married from there. But it cost around $3K to join. But they really screened their members carefully, and whenever they caught a married man joining, or someone behaving inappropriately, they were out. Anyway, I was really pleased. But chemistry is just that. Y'all know that game. It either works or it doesn't.
Good luck! It's rough out there!
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