Emotional Blackmail
Posted By: sm on 2009-02-12
In Reply to: anonMT - van
Emotional Blackmail is all this is. People use it to control and manipulate and they get away with it because it has worked in the past. We have a similar situation in our family (not husband) and it is emotionally and physically draining. I really feel for you because I know how these types of people can consume your life. You know the answer to your question, it's just how to make it happen. That's the hard part. It's almost like we let it happen because we are just exhausted and we know something should have been done years ago. Sometimes we feel it's our fault too because we allowed it. Boot him out! He will cry fake tears, cut himself with a toothpick, swallow some Tums, but eventually, if you hold your ground, he will catch on!
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i need some emotional support
Not sure how much of DH yelling I can take. I work 2 jobs. Yesterday I had to put in 5 hours for one. DH is supposed to help with the kids. Well, his level of helping yesterday was just sitting in his chair and yelling at them to stop doing this or that. He said about 5 times that my 15-mo had a dirty diaper. I had the attitude like “well go change it, I am working.” He never changed it and I don’t know how long she stayed in that dirty diaper but by the time I got to changing her, she was red. Then I went to help my 5 year old with her Valentines. She did 20 Valentines and she insisted on doing them herself. It took her 2 hours but she did it all. I was proud of her and amazed. Dh kept hollering for us to get through because he wanted some Ice cream. I told him since he can drive he can go get it himself. He got mad and started yelling. My 15 MO kept bothering us. I got some toys to try to help distract her and it would work for a little bit but then she would pester us some more. I told dh to keep her distracted and he shouted “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO.” WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I told dh that she acts like she is hungry, has she had anything to eat. “she has been eating popcorn all after noon” I knew better than to ask him anymore so I got up and started to go find her something to eat and he yelled “SIT DOWN” and gave me a look that could kill.
I told dh that I just don’t know how to deal with him anymore. I feel he is angry with me or resentful. When we first got married, his Mommy was practically sleeping in between us. She balanced our check book, she went through or mail to see what bills had to be paid, still does, she has to know everything about what we are doing. She and dh are best friends. MIL went on all the vacations with us and it was always where dh wanted to go and MIL always loved where dh wanted to go. When I had the kids, it had to be all about her. I told dh thiat if this sick business did not stop, I was leaving. It stopped. Poor MIL don’t get to see her DGK anymore. Boo hoo hoo, (coming from dh and MIL). I am so mean. This is all another story.
One minute dh says he loves me, then next he treats me like this. My family, unfortunately, loves dh. He doesn’t act like this around them. He is no niceeee and MIL is so niceeee.
I have to go. I got to get my kids up and ready for school.
Emotional support
Sounds like you are carrying the load yourself. It's amazing how men are so insensitive and wrapped up in themselves. You basically have to hit them over the head with a baseball bat to get any sense into them. Obviously, if you were working and you have little ones running around and needing care, how hard can it be for him to jump in there and do what needs to be done? Hang in there. Maybe you can try talking to him and spelling out for him what you expect from him when you are working, especially with the kids. Good luck!
I was so emotional did not notice and SM
made mistakes in mine as well. No problem. I think we got our point across. I wish you and me could team up and wipe some of the needless suffering and abuse out. 
You seem to be a very emotional, overimpulsive
person. I counted over 20 exclamation marks at the end of your 1-word post. Is this neceassary?
Still, I believe as a parent or friend or whatever you can use whatever expression you want to use, but for a teacher it is NOT o.k.
It is imposing and intruding.
When teacher say that they sometimes address the pupils with terms of endearment, because they do hot remember their names (?), there is a question for this: 'What is your name?'
It seems to me that teachers who call the pupils by 'endearing' expressions, need some endearing themselves!
Men just are not the emotional creatures that women are--sm
like another poster stated, if he was not like this before marriage, he never will be. However, you should still talk to him. He cannot do on his own what he does not know you want from him. He will never do it *on his own* because he does not know that is what you expect. He is not a mind reader. If you don't talk to him about this, you are going to end up resentful of him and your relationship will not last. You sound like you want him to treat you like a baby instead of a wife. Maybe you should reevaluate what your expectations are from a marriage.
blatant emotional abuse
You say he is out and about all the time with work or just doing fun stuff.
Talk to an attorney then, when he leaves the next time, have the separation papers filed and put his rear end out. He has probably already talked to an attorney if he is trying to talk YOU into taking the kids and leaving.
A judge is going to be more favorable toward keeping the kids in their home.
His abusive behavior toward you touches on the kids emotional health too.
Give him the boot girl!
11-year-old boys - always this emotional? sm
My son is 11 and he seems to cry lately about little things...he has to take a shower, he gets teary-eyed. He can't find the shirt he wants to wear because it is in the laundry....tears up. He argues about not wanting to take a shower, and is extremely picky about which clothes he will wear. He wants to let his hair grow longish, which is fine with me, but he then wants to brush it all into his face and almost hide behind it. The last time I had him get his hair just trimmed a little he cried beforehand and said "I'm already fat, I at least want my hair to be cool." He is barely chubby, not fat at all, and brushing his hair in his face doesn't look cool. I am all for kids having "cool" hairstyles and I buy him the type of clothing he wants, but he decides a week later that he no longer likes the shirt or shoes I just bought a week before when he really liked it. Is this normal?
Emotional upset and stress. Such as reading MT
x
I personally think the funeral is what makes you an emotional wreck.
Funerals compound the grief for me. The dark lighting, the sad music, the morbid displaying of a dead body in the casket! No way for me. I hope to God my parents don't want funerals.
Memorial service, no problem.
I think the traditional funeral service is antiquated and just makes things worse.
Needing A Mental/Emotional Jump Start
You good people are probably as good to ask as anybody although if we had a philosophy board, it might be better. My question is Why? Why are we killing ourselves? And I mean this in the broader sense than just the MT industry. I have an ex (46 years old) who is an alcoholic. He lives waaaaaaay out in a very rural area. He owns his own house, land, and a lot of horses, something he acquired 20 years ago when he had a really really good job. He has a regular income now of about $1000/month from CDs, primarily funded from an industrial accident about 10 years ago.
Anyway, neither he nor any of his friends work. They sit around, start drinking at noon and light their first joint, and just drink steadily until passing out around 2 AM. They play horseshoes, cribbage, shoot pool, shoot the breeze, joy ride, poach deer, etc. His house is kind of a dump (jiggle the toilet handle, turn on the tub water with pliers, no windows that open) and lots of projects undertaken while drunk, some done, many half finished. As they say, the Lord provides for fools and drunks, and that seems to be the case here, as he never goes hungry, has never had to do without his vices because of money, etc. Somehow, something always falls into his lap when he needs it, and I'm not talking $20...he'll rent a chunk of land to a farmer for several K and gets all caught up, or he sells some old fencing and gets a grand. He bought a couple of timeshares years and years ago so he takes these great vacations a couple of times a year where the lodging is only $150/week.
I had to leave because I just couldn't stand the lifestyle (I don't drink, smoke pot, or shoot pool), but I'm wondering why. I'm killing myself working 2 jobs to keep the roof over my head and maintain even a meager quality of life, and while I don't have the drunken projects he does, my house is no palace. If it weren't for my kids chipping in and helping, my car would have been reclaimed by the finance company a couple months ago.
So I'm having a hard time hanging on to my motivation lately. There's probably some jealousy involved, but it's also making me wonder why I bother. If I really wanted to, he would probably take me back and there are moments that I wonder 'Why not?'. What is wrong with the way he is living? Footloose and fancy free without a care in the world?
How do you find the strength/will to go on plugging away when it would be so easy to fall into the idiot/drunk category and just the Lord take care of everyday existence like he does for the ex?
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