Don't beat yourself up. If you divorce, no one will be good enough for him. sm
Posted By: MQer on 2007-08-02
In Reply to: Sorry to post again about this but (sm) - Butter and Clutter
He has serious issues of self-worth himself to be so quick to point out your flaws. That's what people like him do - they point the finger and say, "You're not this or you're not that. You're too this or you're too that" when deep down inside it is actually them with the major problem.
I am going back to school to become a licensed marriage/family counselor and have read many, many books.
I do think, however,that you need to look deep within yourself and see where your self-worth is coming from. Don't allow him to shape the person you are supposed to be by his mean words. You need to tell him how much his words hurt you.
I personally don't think you should leave unless there are 1 of 2 things going on: Abuse or infedelity. If none are present, you should work on your marriage.
Too many women nowadays give up on their mates. If he wants to leave, let him leave. If he wants you to stay you should work it out. Set boundaries, though. Tell him that you will not stand for him pointing out your flaws and threatening divorce. You need to both a lion and a lamb to your spouse. Be sweet as a lamb, but bold as a lion if need be. They need us to be both.
I can go on all night about marriage but I won't waste any more of your time. Good luck.
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Please don't beat yourself up over this...
stuff like this happens, unfortunately. My daughter had her bike stolen off our front porch one evening while we were away. And yes, we bought her another one because ALL of the bikes were on the front porch and hers just happened to be the one they took. Hard lessons are definitely not pleasant to learn, but I think that's why we learn from them!
....and the beat still goes on!
 Oh ya, this white girl got 'da moves! (of course now I need to take a couple of Advil before and after said moves...)
is beat them up.
x
don't beat yourself up about this....
I would just be honest with the MIL and let her know how upset the girls get before having to stay over and suggest that maybe they just spend the day and come home at night. Too bad if you seem selfish...they are your children and you only want them to be happy. My ex-MIL seems much like yours...She got her way ALL of the time and if for some reason something didn't go her way...I was always the one to take the blame. I became tired of the controlling behavior and told HER that way it was going to BE from now on (this was after her son and I were through)...I did not care how she felt about it at that point because I had stuffed my feelings and my wishes away to accommodate hers for so long that I didn't enjoy holidays as I should have. I regret those lost years. I think she was trying to make up for the years she was raising my ex and basically neglected him and his brothers and wanted to redeem herself with my children. Needless to say...my son has a relationship with her, but my daughter, who is the youngest and was not treated as well by her, sees her maybe once a year, whereas my son sees her weekly. My son had been forced to spend time with her, while my daughter did not. I would pick her up when she would cry at night. Maybe I should have made her stick it out, but this woman was not nice to my daughter in the least. This was even confirmed by my son. So...what the kids get out of their relationship with their grandparents is totally up to the grandparent's efforts. I think it should be a positive experience...If not...skip the overnights...just visit for the day and she will have to deal with it. Who cares if you are the mean one in your MIL's eyes...You are a mother first.
don't beat yourself up...sm
There's no help for that burnt ring in the carpet unless you've got another hunk of the same carpet in left the garage, cut out the burnt part and carefully replace it...Otherwise, a throw rug is always an option.  Cat
I ran around on the first and the 2nd one beat me, so
I got divorced, yes I will take responsibility for the failures. My fault.
I can beat that.
When I first got married, my husband said "where do you keep the ice?" I knew then I was in deep trouble.
Don't beat yourself up on this.
Kids are kids. My son, at age 17, got his 15 yo girlfriend pregnant. Her parents screamed at us at first threatening to have our son arrested, and we screamed at him at first, but then sat down and had a long conversation with him. He didn't want to get married right then and neither did she. They decided to get married when they both graduated from high school, but he couldn't give up his "bum friends" so she broke it off with him after our grandson was 2 yo. Didn't blame her one bit. We are still friendly after all these years. The "baby" is now 18 and they still talk. We see our grandson every 2 weeks since they broke up and we still miss her as a future daughter-in-law, but they are both married to someone else now..
I would say not to get too involved and let them work it out themselves. She is probably going through a lot with the pregnancy and doesn't really mean what she says. She's probably pretty mad at herself for letting herself get pregnant and trying to put the blame on everyone else to make herself feel better. At her age, she probably feels her independent life is over and it's all your son's fault, but it's not all his fault.
My "ex-to-be" daugther-in-law became a nurse making mucho dollars without my son, married a nice guy, had another baby, and we all still get along. All my son did was pay support VOLUNTARILY for the 18 years and keep in touch with his son, including when there was a crisis; i.e., staying out late, etc., and took the fatherly approach, trying to help raise our grandson equally.
Also, her parents and us are still friends although we don't see them as much since the grandson is now almost "a man", and they have other problems I won't go into, but we still wish our son and his ex would have gotten married...that's how much respect we have for her.
Am I making any kind of sense? Email me if you would like to chat further.
Got you beat - 23, 30. 37 and almost 44!
My "baby" just turned 14 and now I'm starting over with grandkids.
Don't beat yourself up...........
I do have a question..... where has their father been? I take it you are divorced, so where has he been....where is his responsibility in all this? In my experience, more times than not, these problems stem from lack of a father figure in the home anyway and I know that from experience.
How convenient for his father not to go get him....after all, he obviously knows you will do what is his responsibility, so why should he bother!!
I realize your son is not a minor any longer, but his father, if a decent human being, could go a long ways in helping his son grow up. Might there have been something in your son's past which leads him to be so clingy and irresponsible? Just wondering. It sounds truly like he is afraid to grow up, low self-esteem, and insecure, so bullying his mom makes him feel important and like a big man because he gets by with it. He knows he couldn't do anyone else like that because they won't tolerate him. If there is any way you could speak with their father, maybe, just MAYBE he could see fit to pull his weight and involve himself a little in their lives to help push them towards a more positive end...
I'm really truly sorry you are having to go through this but you are right; your peace of mind has to come first right now. If you don't put that first, how in the heck are you going to continue to take care of yourself because obviously, your children aren't capable.
Got you beat by miles! $3.23 in CA (sm)
and $86 to fill up our Expedition. Which is why we mostly keep it parked in the garage nowadays. Bought in back in 1999 before all this gas price gouging hooey.
If this were dead beat dad instead of dead beat mom, would
adfs
How do you beat the boredeom?
I'm off tomorrow, but I'm so bored and restless today I can't stay in my seat. Usually I can motivate myself by remembering that the poor house is just around the corner, but I'm really chopping at the bit today and I don't want to do this. I have about 5 hours to go - any words of inspiration? TIA
women beat themselves up - it NEVER - sm
has anything to do with you, male, female or animal. It is his behavior. You cannot change that. You can get really miserable trying to - been there, done that.
have always loved your name - got you beat
on age - but my Ipod goes from Creed to Peter Gabriel to Staind to Paul Rodgers and in between Lonestar and Indigo Girls and Oh, my new favorite song - the theme from Saving Grace by Everlast! It is so much more convenient than the CD player. I got a little shuffle cause I wanted to start slow and make sure I could work things and I'm doing fine.
I got you beat, when little my kitties had
their own bedroom with everything their little hearts desired. Their tower, their litter box, their toys, you name it and it was theirs.
Ok, I give. you got me beat.
Have not added on for the furkids so you won!
I can beat that one - I did much worse! -sm
I used to transport horses as an almost-full-time second job. (Did so for almost 30 years). Had 3 trucks & 2 trailers. I live in an apt., so could only park 1 truck there. The rest I 'boarded' at a local stable. On a hot summer day, I pulled in and parked my rig, and covered the truck with a dust cover (since the riding arena was right nearby... saved me lots of cleaning.) So I locked everything up, got in my smaller truck, and drove home.
TWO DAYS LATER, I'm at work, and get a frantic phone call from one of the trainers at the stable, saying they had to break into my truck. I of course flipped out at that, then she told me that the barn cat was in there meowing to be let out! She had apparently jumped in while I was back behind the trailer for a moment & the door was open, and jumped into the back seat and I never knew she was there.
That poor cat was in the truck with no food or water for 2 whole days in the middle of summer, when the temps were in the high 90's outside. The truck was in the direct sunlight all day long! It's amazing she survived, but she was apparently just fine. A dog in the same situation probably would have died. (I'm sure she did use up 6 or 7 of her 9 lives, though!)
Adam still is the one to beat
Yes, I agree he's become over-hyped. But to be honest, he's the only reason I am watching AI this season. All the other contestants remaining are BORING. I do believe Allison has a great voice and could have a very good future in music. Danny's songs all sound alike, and I have found him uninteresting from day 1, although he does have a decent voice. I always look forward to Adam, he is so talented and diverse. I don't get it when people say he's screechy, that's not what I'm hearing, LOL! He is on a totally different level than all the remaining contestants. My only beef with Adam is that his eye makeup looks so much better than mine does (when I bother with it).
Gotcha beat by
16 and this is how I feel. Have done this so long it is so easy and don't have to go out of the home to work, gosh I am glad about that because of several medical issues that make walking a lot a chore along with other things. There would be absolutely no way that I could leave home now for a job, have 3 kitties that are so needy. I think my husband gave them to me to be sure I did not have time to run around on him, just kidding!
WHO DAT say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Who dat? Who dat? :D (sm)
Sucks I have to work tomorrow, but I will take a lunch break to see the end.
One of the best, ever. Can't beat Ellen Burstyn.
x
and bagels! Can't beat a NY bagel. :) nm
s
U beat boredom by criticizing, I see - nm
nm
Maybe we should not beat a dead hourse (sm)
Hopefully we can all agree that what works in one marriage may not in another?
A bit of an off beat question but just wondering
I have always heard as well as said the word herb with the H silent. Martha Stewart is the only person I have ever heard say it with the H sound. Well being Martha Steward I would think she would know. What about everyone here, how do you say the word? Just curious.
I got you beat on the price you paid
I will not tell you what year I bought my home but it was 15,500. Yep, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath and stayed for a long time. Sold about a year or so ago for 165,000. I had added on over the years and had 2 baths and 3 bedrooms when sold plus other updates. Pretty good profit, huh?
But you might get beat up for hogging the Doritos! (sm)
xx
You beat me to it! I was going to suggest Estelle Harris
and Renee Taylor (even though YEAH she was blonde). She has the nose but Estelle has the hair. LOL.
personally I would sign that ban in a heart beat! sm
Having to breathe in someone elses disgusting smoke is sickening. It IS an addiction, as pointed out by someone else, but so is alcohol, also brought up by someone else. and yes, they should be doing more about that, as well. *They* should be doing a lot of things about a lot of things to change the way this world is headed...but then there is the saying *be the change you want to see in this world.*
If there are then go back to court. This is a dead beat mom,
dfs
Lady, it is not normal for men to beat women...
if you don't know that you are not mature enough to date, let alone marry and have children with a man. Just get out, get some therapy of some kind and get an idea of what a HEALTHY relationship should be like before venturing into another one. Flame away, BTDT, so don't bother to bash me...it won't change my opinion.
No dead beat if no CS agreed on but not paying court
df
What kind of dog do you have? It's hard to beat natural instinct.
My cat keeps killing birds and laying them on my front porch as little gifts for me. I'm so thrilled at 6 a.m. when I get up and walk out on the front porch for my morning coffee and find a dead bird! But thankfully my cat goes after small prey. My neighbors cat brought home a big fat rat the other morning! YUK!!! I don't know where he got it and I don't want know!
Good luck!
How to deal with compulsive liars: If you can't beat them, join them.
x
Arthur Bryant's BBQ, No offense to you TN'ians but ya can't beat KC BBQ!
My friend has you beat... she paid $35,000 for a small piece of land
and a home 30 years ago; she just sold it for $375,000, clear profit; she and her DH paid it off last year and now are reaping the benefits.
I got you beat :) I live in Texas. My house is only 1700 sq living foot. sm
My light bill or April was 455.00. My light bill for May is 408.00. By August, it will hit probably mid 600s. I have the spiral bulbs, turn everything off during the day when it is just me home (this includes the Central Air and it was 91 today - ugh!). Don't know what I am going to do as this will be 75% of my check every 2 weeks. Another reason I resigned from my job this week!
divorce
Been there. You hit the nail right on the head -- his drinking overpowers or affects every aspect of your life, and your childrens' lives. Every day, every minute. Most people can't comprehend the constant stress that puts on a family. He's absolutely miserable with his drinking, and wants everybody around him to be as miserable as he is. Tired of walking on the eggshells and sick of the promises that mean nothing? I know I was! Drunks tell you what they think you want to hear to buy them more time. You need peace in your lives for once. You need to be able to predict what your day is going to be like when you wake up in the morning, and so do your kids. I hope it is a 'friendly' divorce for you. You may hurt his ego more than anything else. Good luck to you. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you. I will tell you this -- when my ex left after 12 years, my children and I finally felt like we could BREATHE.
Just let me know about the divorce! nm
m
divorce
Me, too, Freebie - I absolutely despised the man after 17-1/2 yrs., got divorced. He had the nerve to die 5 yrs. later. Had I stayed, I would be on easy street now instead of wondering whether to pay the phone bill, the electric bill or pay for Christmas or charge it. If I only knew then what I know now - haunting isn't it?
Divorce
My children were 14 and 11 at the time of my divorce, they are now 24 and 21 and are happy productive adults that any mother would be proud of. Not to say it wasn`t a very hard thing to go through, but all the fighting is very hard on the children to. I remember my daughter telling me that if I was to ever take her dad back she would be very mad at me, what does that tell you, if your children are old enough, talk to them about their feeling and fears.
Also, their dad got in their in there head and promised them all kinds of things that never came to past, to get them to stay with him so he didn`t have to pay child support,so be ready for that to, but as I said it didn`t take my daughter long to figure that all out, now she is grown and married and her and her dad hardly speak, which breaks my heart, it not fair that a child should have to do without either parent. Anyway I could go on about this subject all night cause it is a heartbreaking thing for all involved.
But you are the only one that know if it`s worth hanging on to.
my prayer`s go out to you in whatever you decide.
After my divorce
and my 45th birthday, it seems like everything changed for me. Things I thought were important, aren't anymore. I don't care about what I have, I'm more interested in what I've done, or more specifically, haven't done yet. Even my politics have changed some. Life changes you. Its like Character Remodeling as we mature.
I've always been suspect of anyone over 45 who tells me that they have no regrets in life. Have they lived life with eyes wide open? Nothing could have been made better?
In some ways, if you aren't evolving and changing, is it possible that you are not living? Great question.
divorce
It takes time. Be extra kind to yourself, seek support if you need to. It does get better, trust me. I am now in a place where I'm happiest I've ever been. I'm still alone but independent and free!
Divorce
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision.
Shelly
If you are going through with the divorce,
it will come out when you list assests, debts, etc.
divorce
I always think it is funny when women think divorce is the best thing for everyone and will make everyone happy.
Kids need two parents whether you are divorced or not, not a counselor to straighten him out.
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
Amicable divorce, can it be done?....sm
It's time DH and I end our marriage. It's not a good situation for any of us. Long story short, DH thinks it is me because I'm a miserable B**ch. All I know is DH is an alcoholic, which overpowers everything, so I have no idea, in all honesty, what lies beneath. The kids and I pretty much know every morning when we get up that today will end like every other day with dad coming home after his six pack +, feeling guilty, looking for imperfections in everyone else to gripe about to avoid the fact that he's drunk once again, and no mater how much we try, in the end, in an argument.
I'm mad at DH for choosing the alcohol over his family, I'm angry at myself for staying longer than I should have, etc., etc., etc.
I've decided the bottom line is that I want healthier, more peaceful, and more productive lives for myself and my kids. In the best interest of my children, he is their father and no matter how much hostility I feel towards him, the best thing for my children is that neither of their parents ends up destroyed or broke over the divorce. Basically, I want to remain focused on the goal of providing a better life to myself and my children, including not contributing to the destruction of their father. My suspicion is he is going to end up destroying himself anyway, but I honestly don't want to force that to happen. The optimal outcome for the kids would be to end up with two emotionally stable and financially secure parents. Is it possible to end the marriage without destroying the kids? Is it possible to stay focused on the ultimate goal of having a more peaceful and satisfying life for you and the kids and to just let go of anything that does not make a positive contribution toward that effort? Has anyone successfully managed an "amicable" divorce, or at least as amicable as possible? I've already wasted 15 years on a marriage I knew all along was never going to be successfull no matter how much I wanted it to be. Any advice?
Question of dog in divorce
I filed for divorce due to abuse, only married 4 years with no kids but we do have a dog. He is considered "marital property" in my state and therefore part of the equitable distribution which is 50/50. I am wondering how it will be decided who gets him. My soon to be ex did pay for the dog (a purebred) but he has been at home with me from day one so. Has anyone been through anything similar that can give me a clue as to how this might be decided?
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