Domestic Violence/Alcoholism Question
Posted By: 4NowAnonMT on 2009-05-24
In Reply to:
First, let me state this pity is neither desired or deserved. This is a situation that I allowed to perpetuate so I deserve no sympathy. Also, I apologize for it being so long; I never learned the long-story-short lesson.
I was involved/lived with with an alcoholic who turned verbally abusive after a 12-pack, physically abusive after 18. For reasons that even I don't know (although I'm sure Freud could figure it out), I stayed with him for over a year. However, about 3 months ago, we had gone on vacation, his drinking and violence escalated and, after he kicked in a door at the condo we were staying in, I called 9-1-1, fearing that few slaps I had taken so far were going to progress to where he choked me again. In the past when the violence got really bad (about once every 4-6 weeks), I could just get in my car and drive the hour back to my house. This time, the whole thing was at 2:00 in the morning and my home was a 10-hour drive away; he was footing the bill, so I didn't even have the money for gas.
The original trial was supposed to be the end of April. He remained sober from the time of 'the incident', and we stayed together, until he jumped off the wagon 2 days before the trial, at which point I returned home. I was not going to testify, at which point the charges I guess would have been dropped (per the prosecutor; my ex had declined a plea deal that would have meant no jail time). I reasoned that maybe he had finally hit bottom and realized alcohol was ruining his life, but obviously not. The prosecutor ended up calling me the day before the trial to ask if I planned to be in attendance. I literally did not have gas money to get down there (abusive alcoholics take a toll on one's paycheck/bank account), and told him that, and the trial has subsequently been postponed and is coming up in about 2 weeks.
My question is...is it worth actually showing up and testifying? The ex is obviously a drunk, destroying the life of the adolescent son who adores him (how normal is it for the son to have to carry daddy up the steps to bed?). I can rationalize that it's good for the son to get away from daddy and his drunken pot-smoking buddies for a while or that maybe the ex will get rehabilitated. But in truth, the biggest thing for me would be vengeance for being used and abused. Would you go ahead and testify or just cut your losses and move on? As a side note, I'm not the first woman he's hit (although the others were drunk stoners and cop-haters); also, it's not that I would be destroying a man's perfect record- he has a felony DUI conviction after 3 misdemeanor ones and numerous in other states that never caught up with him(I found that out after going out with him 2 months...Bill Engvall echoes in my head- here's your sign).
Thoughts? Do I go for the vengeance or vacate?
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GOOD FOR YOU! But, think of yourself first. call the domestic violence hotline FIRST.
They will refer you to any other agency that is needed. Perhaps you do not need to deal with his AA right now. I only say this because you can only concentrate on 1 thing at a time, and you need to get your self-esteem and self-care up. Then, you will learn he has to seek out AA, you cannot make him go if he does not want to. Perhaps the domestic violence counselor will direct you to Survivors of Alcoholics, etc. But please put yourself first right now. And put your safety first right now. But don't listen to me. Listen to them on that hotline and do not be afraid to take whatever steps they counsel you to do, they are experienced and know how to help you best. Keep up the good work.
National Domestic Violence Website and phone #...
If you haven't already visited this website, it's very useful: www.ndvh.org, National Domestic Violence website. The hotline # is 1-800-799-7233, available to all 50 states. You can call them just to talk and, if wanted, they can help you formulate a plan to get yourself and your children out of this situation. Ask yourself this question: Do you want to live like this, in fear, walking on egg shells, for the rest of your life? I feel for you and I'll keep you in my prayers. One other thing, I don't want to be alarmist, but when you visit any websites, like the above, you might want to make sure you erase the history on your computer each time so no one else can see where you've been.
Has there really been much more violence since Saddam
was executed? I haven't been watching the news with New Years and all.
Is alcoholism a disability
I know someone who is filing for state and social security disability because he's an alcoholic. Can he do that?
I guess he can, but I don't think it's right. Alcoholism
may end up as a disease but one makes the choice to take the first drink. I may get flamed for this but that's okay. Instead of applying for disability, why not take steps toward recovery? I personally know the devastation wreaked by alcoholism. I am married to a recovering alcoholic (sober for 6 months now). He almost killed himself drinking. He lost lots of weight (122 pounds at 6 feet tall), puked like a pregnant woman, and just about ruined his liver, but he decided he had to quit and did. I think it is sad that our tax money is being spent helping people stay on disability when they could possibly be rehabilitated and become active in their own care.
more domestic emergencies
I wonder if my PS will excuse my sudden disappearance for a half hour just now - my grandson broke into my office shouting Hurry, grandma, hurry!! ebay has a terrific sale going out in 7 minutes for this huge bunch of knights...etc. HURRY!!! So I frantically tried to find my ebay account, sent in a bid, but it just closed....so sad! Am trying to calm down and back to work. ha!
do you know how alcoholism works?
nm
who defends the theory that alcoholism
can be inherited from relatives and renders an alcoholic innocent and helpless? I mean that it is already in 'one's genes', a predisposition. I disagree with that.
But I believe that living in a certain environment can turn out many alcoholics, but it is in the end a self-inflicted misery.
domestic emergencies-y'know it's a wierd day when
this week (Tue. I believe) I had to email my PS to take two 15-minute blocks off my time card to upblock the toilet and clean up the over-flow (twice)! Argghhh. I still don't know what didn't go down!
Tx for the popsicle-on-tongue boo-boo idea. Have you seen 1/2 rubbing alcohol:1/2 water and a few drops of food coloring to make ice packs?
domestic emergencies-y'know it's a wierd day when
The kids are quiet, you're typing along, when your six-year-old comes crying into the room with a needle-threader stuck to his tongue. Drop everything to assist... Oh, the joys of working at home uninterrupted -- Any other funny dilemmas you've had to deal with? LOL :) Back to work after a soothing popsicle...
Alcoholism doesn't always "look" like the norm
The best thing that he has done so far is admit that he is an alcoholic. Is he willing to get help for it? From what you have written so far he doesn't seem to be a "bad" drunk but alcoholism presents itself in many ways. What happens if he doesn't drink? Does he go through withdrawals of any sort? My father is an alcoholic and I believe my husand is on his way there. There are definitely personality changes between drinking and nondrinking. They have both, moreso my father, hidden their drinking. Saying it is soda but then when you smell it or ask for a sip it definitely isn't. My dad used to have a trunk full of alcohol, mostly vodka since you really can't smell it, although I definitely can. Do they really think we don't know what they are doing when they go to the cars numerous times a day? I guess ignorance is part of the disease. I don't know. I wish you all the luck and hopefully your husband will get the help he needs to abstain from the alcohol. You might be looking forward to some tough roads ahead but the point is to get your husband and family healthy. Let us know how it goes.
Are you the Anon who was worried abt possibly violence or hubby taking your kids? m
Best of luck to you for taking the steps to change your life. I wish you well.
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