Do not enable, but be supportive
Posted By: Got the tee shirt on 2009-03-15
In Reply to: OMG! I just learned my son was on drugs - Backwards typist
and whatever happens, do not encourage a methadone clinc. Your son may need a dual diagnosis clinic to learn emotional coping skills and receive rehab. I am a little concerned that you automatically reject the idea of rehab without having talked to him. You need to learn pretty quickly that going into rehab is only for those who are self-motivated or are avoiding jail. You do not have to make your approach to your son confrontational. You can be firm about wanting him to make good choices for himself without being confrontational. Put your foot down about not having drugs in your home, even if it means he cannot visit within your home. No loaning a car to him. You don't want to lose either of those. No friends over. I've even handed my daughter a self-test at the door and made her give me her purse to search. She chose not to visit for the next 2 years and that was her choice...not the one I would prefer, but hers to live with. If your son is addicted to drugs, he will not get better until he wants to and not one minute before. The best advise I ever got was this:
_When something becomes uncomfortable enough, you will do something to change it_
Your son may have to hit bottom. It sounds like he is cycling with ups and downs (cocaine then heroin) and that is an indication of something pretty serious and tough to overcome. My faith is never tested as much as when I struggle not to do something to control the choices my adult child is making. Letting go while being supportive is very, very hard. Good luck.
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Don't Enable
You need to nip this in the bud, literally, right now while you still have the opportunity to reach your son. I had the same parenting style you did. I too hid my son's smoking from his dad. I too justified my inaction by saying "all teens try it." I too had a husband who would have kicked my son out of the house to teach him a lesson. How I wish I could do it over. My oldest son is now addicted to meth and just got released from prison after 8-1/2 years.
Buy your son a home drug kit and test him immediately. Continue to do so (especially after weekends). Sit your husband down and decide TOGETHER how to save your son. If he pops positive, get him into treatment immediately. Drugs are absolutely destroying our children's lives. Get on top of the problem while you still can. Being a Mom is not a popularity contest. It is a serious responsibility that means a lot of uncomfortable decisions. My oldest is lost to drugs. I learned from my mistakes and my other 4 children didn't dare even try drugs.
Learned The Hard Way
they're not like that, if you don't enable them to be like that....
nm
I'd kick him out. I would not enable him to keep doing what he is doing
and getting by with it. Call Al-Anon to help yourself. Tell him to get help from a recovering alcoholic.
don't enable him to treat this way - especially with child to see
nm
Thank you for your supportive response
I am still wondering what to do. After talking with some of his friends he posted something like this about 2 months ago. He has an appiontment tomorrw with a pyschiatrist. He doesn't know about it, I plan on just checking him out of school. Maybe this is wrong but at the age of 19 I swallowed a bottle of pills. My best friend was the only one that suspected I might do this and she showed up at my house totally unannounced. Now as a mother I think about the pain that mother would have felt because had my friend not shown up my mother would have found me. I can't just sit back and watch. If this were drugs or cutting we would all step up and take action immediately.
moderator, we are so supportive of each other here
i wish we had a weight loss board...has this been given any more thought?
Thanks. My friends are very supportive (sm)
but my dad just told me I couldn't use his minivan for my move because he didn't want to be involved. He's loaning my DH money to get out of debt though. Family is funny.
Just be supportive and a loving friend/family member - sm
My son jokingly tells me that I have Super Gay-Dar because I have had a few friends out to me first.
When my friend Chris came out to me a few years after high school, he was a complete wreck.
He called me up one night after I had not heard from him for awhile and the conversation went something like this.
Him: I really have to tell you something (I could tell he was shaking terribly and just sounded so upset and scared.)
Me: Okay.
Him: I'm gay. There I said it.
Me: And?
Him: What do you mean AND?
Me: Are you serious? You think I DIDN'T know? How many times were we BOTH checking out guys "back pockets" in the mall? How many times did YOU help me pick out dresses for formal dances? How many times did my parents let you come over for slumber parties all the way through high school? Do you think they let ANY of my other guy friends do that? Did you notice there were no other GUYS at those sleepovers?
Him: He has such a funny loud, barking laugh and he just started laughing and then crying.
Me: You wouldn't be you if you tried to be a straight guy. You're more fun this way.
Him: I just love ya girlie, You're my bestest bestest girlfriend.
Me: You're my bestest bestest girlfriend too.
And that was that. We still laugh about it. He can always make me laugh.
Great, greatly supportive post from "Through the Mill". nm
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