Do not do anything else until you attend marriage counseling - sm
Posted By: melee on 2008-03-24
In Reply to: Stay together for the children - yes or no? (sm) - Carolina MT
You owe it not only to the kids (who did not ask to be born into this) but you owe it to yourselves to seek marriage counseling before just deciding to up and divorce without seeking outside professional help. Until you can say you tried everything under the sun to make it work and can truly walk out the door with no undone and unsaid business with your husband you are not even ready for divorce. Give it a try. I have been down this road before (but for other reasons) and can tell you it turned us around. We are celebrating 25 years this September and have never been happier. Best of luck to you both. 
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Have you tried marriage counseling?
Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.
But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.
Marriage counseling
I would encourage you and your husband to try counseling to work this out in a way that each of you will be able to have some of the things you want and need.
If he isn't willing to go to counseling, then your choices are live with it or live without him.
we are in marriage counseling now....sm
We have been going since the beginning of January. I found out mid December that my husband had been having an emotional affair with a so-called "friend." It has helped us a lot so far, although, we are just now getting to the heart of the "matter/affair." We still have a long way to go but I have hope now that we will work it out.
I hope it works out for you both. Take care.
marriage counseling
if you are both committed to really doing the work and making changes, marriage counseling can be a good thing. Having gone thru it five (yes 5) separate times thru almost 20 years of a "marriage" - it never worked because my ex was never willing to make changes. Every time the counselors approached his hot spots (substance abuse, physical abuse, unemployment, depression) - it was time to "stop seeing these jerks who don't know anything".
I believe honest open communication can overcome almost any issues - infidelity, financial, parenting - and sometimes you do need an outside party to guide you thru. Find a counselor you both feel comfortable with, can easily afford and be willing to give it time.
Go to marriage counseling
My DH and I have been in counseling for about 6 weeks now and already we have made major changes in our relationship. We weren't on the verge of divorce, neither one of us want that, but we were having some major issues that we needed to work through. It has been a true blessing and our counselor is wonderful. Divorce, no matter the reason, is devastating to children. It shakes their world, makes them question everything they've known all their lives. It's a horrible thing for a family to go through, so I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling. I don't know your religious beliefs, but our counselor is a christian-based counselor, so she's incorporating the values God expects in a husband and a wife into our therapy and believe me, it's working wonderfully. We've been married for going on 21 years and wish we would have gone to counseling lots sooner than now. God bless you and I'm praying for you!
i'd tell him it's marriage/family counseling
time for some marriage counseling?
or at least a long talk with your husband if possible. Not by e-mail! Good luck!
We start marriage counseling tonight
And I'm a little apprehensive. I've never done any kind of counseling before, so don't really know what to expect. We're having some issues that we just cannot resolve on our own and I am very hopeful that a counselor can help us sort through them. Anyone ever been to marriage counseling and would care to share their experience? 
At the church I used to attend --
they instituted a "reform program," whereby the associate pastor and elder members of the church agreed to take in single men who were recently paroled. They dressed up and brought them to church every week. They were introduced when they first came, but nothing was mentioned about their "crime life", etc.
My point is, to the newer church goers, these men seemed like perfectly respectable church-going men, all the while they weren't. Please keep this in mind.
Thank you, Lilly! Unfortunately, I do have to attend with him and the other gentleman
because of the nature of the conference and both of them are the district heads. However, although I do believe he is a very kind and respectable person, I feel a bit too vulnerable at the moment to go it alone, so I contacted an MT I know from the area we are going to and she is going to meet me for dinner that evening and show me some of the shops. This gives me my "out" not to have dinner with them and also to stay within my boundaries.
I am a widow, so these feelings are more to new to me than I can actually express in words, but it has been a long time since I felt that comfortable around a man since my husband. However, as many of you posted, the timing is not right and I will not compromise my integrity as a person. I have faith that God will guide me in the right direction and I am happy, in a way, to know that there is hope that I will feel those "feelings" again with another person, although this is just not the one to be feeling them with.
oh but he did attend 4 yrs of school in Korea
x
she got VISA to attend way too late to come.SM
and Brad was great too.....different types of singers/performers....
don't be sore about it....*lol*
Spiritual in other ways aside from God. Don't attend church.
s
Daughter wants to attend birthday party
My daughter is 10 and her friend will be 11. Her friend has been to our house numerous times and she is a SWEET girl. HOWEVER, her parents and their home is incredibly dirty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a neat freak myself but their home is filfthy, as are they. Took their daughter home one day and they came outside, along with one of their younger sons who was in his underwear that looked soiled/brown/gray. Her mother seems nice enough but I get the feeling there is some sort of mental illness going on. Every time I've been around her I can tell she has major hygiene issues, built up plaque on her teeth and dirt under her nails, dirty clothes, etc. I'm not trying to be judgmental; I just don't want to allow my daughter to go to their house. Her friend is more than welcome here. I'm concerned this is going to possibly cause friction with the girls. I've talked with the mother of another friend in the group and she understands where I'm coming from, as she feels the same way. Wondering if any of you may have any suggestions for me. I know the girls are getting older and I'm sure my daughter's friend is realizing that her friends aren't allowed to her house, yet she can visit them. I really feel for her and I wonder how many girls will actually show for her party, yet I don't want to run the risk of my daughter coming home with lice or something.
Do you attend a local state fair in the summer? How far
s
I homeschool my daughter, but allow her to attend public school for the SM
social aspects. She is way ahead of her grade academically. Eventually, she will either be homeschooled exclusivelly or I will enroll her in a magnet school or alternative school.
I think in this day and age parents should plan a way for their kids to attend college (sm)
$1000 a month is nothing compared to what it actually takes to raise two kids.
Do you attend any free local concerts in the summer? Are any offered
s
What would you all do? My SIL is making my DH attend my nephew's HS grad in Texas this June...sm
We live in Illinois.
He would be taking my youngest son with him also. The total cost of the trip for the two of them would easily be $2000 since my DH does not get paid for taking time off work. If he takes this trip that would mean no vacation for me or my other two kids next year since that's pretty much all we can afford is one vacation a year. She is insisting her only brother (DH) be there at the actual ceremony which is on a Tuesday evening. Then afterwards they plan on going out to dinner to celebrate - no party that would be it.
I would rather we go the following week, drive the entire family and stay the week and celebrate the whole week with them. My son graduates high school in two years and I don't expect her to be at the ceremony for that. We probably wouldn't have enough tickets for her anyway.
DH doesn't have the guts to tell her "No" since she's laying the guilt trip pretty thick.
Do you think we are obligated to go to the ceremony? She has more than enough family members that live over there that could attend (grandparents, aunts, uncles, her other children).
Thanks for any input.
Ours attend local college PT and still live at home. Hard to make ends meet "out there" on
s
Definitely go to counseling!
It worked for my husband and me. I was the one who cheated, ONCE, so the person who says once a cheater always a cheater does not know what they are talking about. Our marriage had been neglected, as it sounds yours has been. Do not give up until you first try counseling. You have to really work at it, but it can be done. We have been married for 25 years now. Good luck to you.
Counseling.
x
counseling
It sounds to me that he is putting on an everything-is-normal face for you with the excited talk of the future but this is how he really feels. I'd try to get him to go to a psychiatrist (so he can be prescribed an antidepressant if he needs it) and let him know that he can go in without you and keep it private, as obviously he doesn't want to talk to you about these feelings. If he knows it is just between him and the psychiatrist then he may be more willing. If he won't go for that maybe at least try taking him to his pediatrician for a trial of an antidepressant just to see how it helps his mood. He may not even need medication but just someone to talk things out. There are also teen suicide lines where then can just talk. He seem like he wants to deal with this privately (to the point of denial) so maybe you can help him get private help.
counseling?
Is the child in any counseling? I have a stepson as well who is (not to this extreme) but has battled with not wanting to eat. We were told it was likely the only thing in his life he could "control" and that's why he did it. He has been in counseling since a young age (court mandated because his mother refused). It has done him a world of good. If nothing else, he always knows he has someone to talk to about anything and not have fear of getting in trouble or embarrassed.
And you need counseling.
dd
Don't worry, after they have counseling
as adults and realize what they went through they will resent her for it and she'll learn the hard way. Happens all the time.
been there, felt that, got counseling
We had been married about 15 years when I began to feel that way about my husband. We do not have kids, so let me tell you that I had little motivation to even want to try to work on things. Hubby suggested counseling (both group and just the two of us). After about a month of this and reading a few books at home I felt 100% better and those feelings of nearly hating him for no apparent reason went away. We worked hard on communication, which we had let slip over the years, during which time I harbored all kinds of hurts and resentments for things he had no clue were even making me upset, mad, disgusted, you name it. We will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year and cannot be happier, so it CAN be done with hard work. You have first got to put your relationship as priority 1! Please do not just walk away without first trying everything you can!
If he won't agree to counseling, then I say get rid of him,
s
credit counseling
I did use one, but in retrosepct I don't think I would do it again. It ends up lowering your payments or your interest a little, but they also charge you a monthly fee - mine was 35.00. All they basically do is pay your bills for you with what you send them. It takes a good 2-3 months to get set up and working and by that time your bills are even more overdue. I think your best solution is to talk to all your creditors and be disclipined about paying to the exclusion of having a life until you are caught up. I finally got out of the hole, but it was hard and seemed like it would never happen. Good luck to you. You can do it.
Definitely look into family counseling
with or without your husband. Do you think your husband will even want to spend that much time with the children or will he fight for them just out of spite?
My little brother's (not so little anymore, he is now 33) birth father was a lousy father and when he and my step-mother divorced he was a total deadbeat dad. When my parents married my father wanted to adopt my little brother and (sperm donor)would only sign over adoption if he could have visitation rights. My "other" mother agreed because she knew he would never ask to see my brother and she was right.
I wish I could offer more help, but definitely look into cousenling.
school counseling
I know it's the summer, but when school starts back up you might want to look at having him talk to a school counselor. It's free for you and might help him work through some of his feelings, especially the scary ones.
After 6 months of counseling,
the child psychologist couldn't figure it out either. He is angry, but he can't or won't tell us why. I've pretty much chalked it up to "middle child syndrome". He's just one of those kids that demands more attention. I do my best to give that to him without slighting the others.
Private counseling
Go to a private counselor yourself if he won't go. Some of these "ANONYMOUS" programs attract those who do not get it and go around town blabbing your business, ruining your lives even moreso. Yes, they save lives but they often ruin them with their gossip, even the name gossip hisses, it ruins lives, topples marriages, loses jobs. Be sure before you let these people into your personal, private lives and your homes. Sometimes private, closed-door counseling is the best way to go. Then if you are both comfortable with going "public" that is your own personal decision. Beware of who you let into your life. If you were going to take a plane ride you would want to know the pilot.
been to counseling, didn't work, does not..sm
This does not mean you cannot seek further counseling throughout one's life.......for whatever a situation is/becomes.......just because it didn't work with the husband, doesn't mean you cannot seek more out for YOURSELF and your children........forget him, he's a lost cause (passive-aggressives often are)....they are nothing but finger-pointers (blamers) and it's never at themselves. It's a waste of time to be with one, you/one merely only loses their self-esteem in those types of *relationships*..........
Best luck!!
Grief counseling before the fact SM
I am under a lot of stress with an elderly mother who has a grim prognosis. She is 90 years of age and has CHF with another recent hospitalization last week. She is home now, but her doctor called me the day of her discharge and gave me a complete detailed summary of her condition and prognosis. I have been more anxious since the discussion with him, although he is to be commended for his frankness and the sensitive way he handled the situation.
I know counseling is beneficial after we lose someone close to us, but I feel I need some help now just dealing with this now. The only way I can explain how I feel is to say I feel like I am carrying a bomb and not able to put it down. I know what will happen and still not able to prevent the inevitable. The nurse told me last week at the hospital that the normal BNP level is not to be above 50. My mother's BNP this last time was over 4600. The doctor told me the same value on the telephone and told me it almost blew his socks off, in his words exactly. They removed 5 1/2 liters of fluid this admission. She also has chronic renal failure. I am blessed to have her this long, but it makes it no easier to let go. I have such a heaviness in my heart. Thank you for listening.
Credit counseling - some bewares
The ones I talked to when going through a divorce were actually quite high for their fees except for the Christian one and then there were some that they did not work with or would not work with them. That is always a possibility. Also beware when talking directly with the cards or accounts of if any service offers you a "buy out" where you pay so much on the dollar - seems quite cheap -- but when you do at the end of the year they will send you a 1099 showing what amount you did not pay and you have to declare that as "income" on your income tax and thus you will simply pay the government what you did not pay your creditors. Again, talk with the creditors, pick out a plan and stick with it and it might take two to three years but you will be out of debt and you did it. Again, don't promise something you cannot keep. Also remember that there is a 5 to 7 year time line after which they cannot pursue collection of the debt but it is from your last payment and so if you ever think about doing that -- just not paying -- do not ever make a payment as then the 5 to 7 years starts all over again -- heard that on Suzie Orman show. Again, if in clear conscious you want to work with the creditors, they will work with you but you will probably not have credit for a while. You have nothing to lose to talk with them. Good luck. I am sure 90% of us have been there at some time in our life.
1. Go back to counseling. 2. Join a SM
divorce singles group. They are all over. Many churches have them.
3. Volunteer. You get to feel good about yourself and get to meet other people.
Good luck. I've been there.
uhh...that should be "suggested leaving"...not counseling...nm
Here is why you DO NOT take an abuse spouse like this to counseling sm
BTDT a couple of times. He manipulated the whole thing to his "issues" with me.
He told counselor: She makes me angry. Counselor looks at me: Why do you feel the need to make him angry?
He told the counselor: I don't like her looks. Counselor asks me: I have you considered getting some help with your weight and looks (umm 140 at 5Ə"??? Where was the problem?)
He told the counselor: She makes this marriage about the kids instead of making it about me...I make all the money...I do all the work (never housework)...and she sits on the couch and eats bonbons all day (what is a bonbon?). THIS MARRIAGE NEEDS TO BE ABOUT ME and what I want, NOT about the kids. Counselor: Why do love your kids so much and why can't you put him first?
LOUSY counselor. I went to another one on my own who said: You may not have bruises, but you are being abused. I know the situation you are in and he forbids you to work and it isn't like you actually have the time. It may take you some time to choose to get out. So, lets focus on ways for you to be stronger until you can walk out the door. HE didn't get any better HE got worse as I started to develop a backbone.
So to all those who say go to counseling, stay in it, learn to be stronger, don't let his words hurt you...YOU ARE FULL OF IT. You all may like being treated the way that DONE is, but I don't. I am a person too, as is DONE. Anyone I might ever be with needs to think I am so wonderful, special, lovely, kind... you name it, they could not stand NOT to be with me. DONE'S husband is telling her, essentially...you okay I guess, but not that great. Plus which, you can't do anything the way I think it should be done. You don't have feelings because you are average looking and this marriage is all about me. Toro poo poo.
Some of you are not very bright, I am sorry to say, but there it is.
Talk to him about it. If need be, seek counseling. Don't
zz
Anyone had any experience with Credit Counseling services?
I am in a bad situation. I had my house foreclosed on last year but it was in a prior bankruptcy, that is good. But we had to let our car go back, which was in my husband's name and now they are hounding us over paying it back...they are saying 11k but if we give them 6k that would settle it. Like we told them, if we had 6k we would not have let the car go back in the first place. Plus we have several doctor bills. We lost it all due to my health all of a sudden. No place to turn, no one to ask. Wanting to get out lives back. Wondering if anyone has had experience with Credit Counseling and if they really do speak with creditors, get what you owed cut in half and help you out of a bad situation.
Thanks....
I went with consumer credit counseling. After my divorce I had
$18,000 worth of credit card bills to pay off. My ex filed bankruptcy but I did not want to do that. I was doing okay with the bills, but CCC told me they could get the rates lowered and paid off in 5 years. It would take twice that long at my minimum payments. I paid off 6 months early and just bought a house. You just have to be disciplined. They only let you keep 1 credit card. Believe me, it is worth it in the end.
Credit Card Debt Counseling
http://www.cccsatl.org/index.asp?_method=view&sc=43&cn=486&md=debtmanagement
Here's what you want to use... It is called Consumer Credit Counseling Services. They are legit. Now back when hubs and I did it about 15 years ago, there were no computers, per se, so we went on site to an office. I don't know what state you're in or if there is an office local to you, but it looks like you can do this online.
We did it, completed it, and it was great. However, they cut your credit cards up in front of you and put them in a huge jar (at least they did back then). Once you join, there are no more credit cards. What CCCS does is works with your creditors to reduce interest rates, payment size, etc. because they are networked. You then make one lump payment to CCCS and they disburse the money. They also take into consideration your income. I think that's what makes it all work. Also, this is what tells them how long it will take to pay off the debt. Just beware though that if you are "behind" on payments, sometimes certain creditors do not accept CCCS, so they may hassle you still and some just plain won't accept CCCS's offer.
Believe me, even though we are not late on payments, we had in the past 3 years so much personal stuff go on (sickness, death, etc.) that we have racked up some debt ourselves and may try CCCS again, as one card we have raised the rate to 33% interest because we have a high balance. We make regular payments.
All in all, it's a great plan and it does work, but you no longer have credit cards (they close the accounts), and you will have a "bad mark" but yet a good mark on your credit report for using CCCS. Check with them about that though, as I do not know the specifics. It is way better than bankruptcy...
Hope you find some relief soon! My thoughts are with you... I'm not judgemental because I've been there and done that. 
Get her professional help fast. Maybe family counseling. SM
Sometimes it just isn't one person in the family who has a problem. That came out badly, since I didn't mean you or any one in family in particular. Just dynamics of family life.
Best wishes to you. You will need a great deal of strength, but you can all come through this even closer as a family.
Consumer Credit Counseling Service
//
My daughter started group counseling sm
She meets with the school psychologist once a week and other kids from her grade who all have coping issues, and they work on their social skills. She is 9. Maybe your school has a similar program? Or maybe some internet research would turn up some group counseling in your area.
Good luck to you and your son!
I think they should require psychological counseling before someone makes a freak of herself like th
8 surgeries and a gallon of silicone equal a bra size of 34 FFF
Sheyla Hershey has set a new record for something she can't and doesn't want to hide -- the largest breasts in Brazil, and perhaps the world. But is she in for more pain than she bargained for?
After eight surgeries and a gallon of silicone, Hershey's breasts round out to an astonishing 34 FFF -- and she claims she's not done.
In an interview with Fox 26 in Houston, where she traveled for the operation, the 28-year-old Brazilian actress and model said that she would like her breasts to be even bigger.
Unfortunately for Hershey, the state of Texas has limits on the amount of silicone that can be injected into breast implants -- and Dr. Malcolm Roth says this is for good reason.
"We know that the larger the implant the more likely there will be problems down the road," he says. "Maybe she'll be fortunate and not have problems, but those are very, very large breasts.
Maybe joint counseling with his therapist for starters since his meds don't seem to be working. A
s
You need to send a wedding gift if you attend the wedding - sm
If possible you should drop it by the brides or grooms house, etc. so you don't have to take it to the wedding, and so they don't have to worry about transporting the gifts from the church or the reception. You should always send a wedding gift if you attend the wedding though.
That would definitely not be enough for me to consider it a marriage. sm
why do you all think you need some obviously lame guy to complete you? Is it just youth and hormones?
marriage
You are so fortunate. In this day and age, everyone is all about "me". My husband has no CLUE what it means to "work as a team." He simply cannot grasp it at all. He does what he wants to, when he wants to and how he wants to, whenever he wants to. If I ask too many questions he gets angry at me. I am now figuring out 15 years later that I made a pretty big mistake by marrying him. However, we have three beautiful children, and the one thing we do agree on is that they need both parents to raise them. My husband would argue the color of the sky if he was in the mood. He is contrary simply to be contrary. I give up. He gives me the information he thinks I need to have. I don't ask him for anything anymore because he absolutely will not do it (help with getting everything done, i.e., housework, paying bills, makign phone calls, etc.). All of the concerns I had before we got married (which I did bring up to him) have come true. I should have known it. People just DO NOT know how to work together anymore.
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