Define "really abusive"
Posted By: IA MT on 2008-05-29
In Reply to: To see msg.... - EvaEv
That phrase alone tells me you have never been in an abusive relationship. Writing a letter describing flaws can be just as demeaning (read abusive) as telling her to her face. Unless, you have been in a similar situation, you really have no right to say her husband is not "really abusive." Mental abuse is just as debilitating as physical abuse, and that is exactly what the letter was intended to be. And yes, I too believe in marriage, but a "date night" isn't going to change the abusive type of behavior.
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ABUSIVE HUSBAND!
YOU ASKED! I think you need, at the very least, to get professional couple counseling. This is clearly spousal abuse and you need to learn why you have letting it go on so long. If he won't go (and I'd bet money he won't), then go by yourself and learn why you have put up with this for so long. I am sorry you are hurting, but you have the power to change all this. You could start, at the very least, by reading self-help books about assertiveness training, spousal abuse, self-esteem,etc. Good luck!
(By the way I was in private practice as a psychotherapist for years, and am a medical transcription teacher now.)
Is this an abusive marriage or not? (sm)
I have been posting below about my debt, my husband opening credit cards in my name, cheating, etc. I recently called a domestic abuse line to try to get some clarity on my situation. They said it was domestic abuse and to take out a restraining order on him, that would last for 10 days, then we both go to court and state our cases, and then the restraining order may or may not be instituted for a year. All I could think was how angry this would make my husband. It would put him right into battle mode and I would be toast. Apparently a lot of abusive men use the threat of taking the children as a way to subdue their victim. It works because it scared me into wondering if I can even try to leave.
Anyway, here is what he does: Has not hit me in the last few years but in the first 10 or so years of our marriage would push me around some, back me against the wall when arguing, grab my hands or finger if I pointed at him, etc. A few years ago he went nuts and beat me up, banged my head into a pole on the carport, bruised my arms, pulled my hair, screamed in my face biting my nose with every word. I went to my neighbor, who was a police officer, and told him, and he told me not to report it because my husband would lose his job - a high paying professional level job where he is well-respected. So I did not turn him in but did go to stay with my family in another state for a week and made him go to anger management counselling. He went twice but stopped going as soon as I came home. Prior to that time he had also slapped my son (at the age of 2) once in the face and had grabbed me when my son would fall, keeping me from being able to pick him up until I would fight my way away from him. After the big event and anger management counselling he has not hit anyone again at all but is always seething. He is a hunter and has guns in our house and I am afraid that one day he may snap again, as I did not see it coming when he attacked me before.
In the last couple of years, our marriage has barely existed. I have wanted to leave but he keeps talking me out of it. I am pretty sure he has been cheating for a long time and had some good evidence, though not proof, about a year ago, and stopped having sex with him. He has been angry, sends me emails asking me to have sex with him or give him a "BJ", grabs my breasts whenever he walks by and just lets them fall (just very disrespectfully), or grabs my crotch or whatever. He says very rude things to me. I have told him in the past that if he will work on our relationship then we may be able to get back to having sex but he says I have to work on the sex part first then he will work on the relationship.
About six months ago I had a car accident about a mile from home and called to ask him to come get me and he said no, just let them tow the car to the shop, I'm sure you can get a ride home. When I got home he said if I was not going to be a wife to him, he was not going to be a husband to me. So now he will do things like clean my car and expect a sexual favor in return. When I don't do it he says he does things for me that he doesn't want to do, so why can't I do things for him that I don't want to do?
This could go on and on so I will wrap it up. He insults me all the time, controls the money, makes me feel bad about myself and WORSE makes my son feel bad about himself. My daughter so far has been left out of it and he just ignores her. She is doing well in school, is a normal weight, etc. But my son and I have both gained lots of weight, my son seems depressed and withdrawn but promises me his dad has done nothing inappropriate to him. My son is scared for me to leave his dad because of the visitation time he would have to spend alone with him without me there to be a buffer (husband makes him work for hours raking leaves, etc and will not let him have breaks. I have to step in and make him let my son take breaks or tell him when enough is enough. Husband gets very angry about this. I know children have to do chores but they need to do them as children, not as grown men when they are not adults). I can go and file the restraining order but my husband will fight will all he is worth if I do. Maybe if I try to reach a happy medium with him in a divorce he will be nicer?
Why does no one want to talk about this? I have tried to talk to people at church and they all act horrified. My husband is Mr. Personality and I guess no one thinks he could do things like this.
Your father was violent, abusive, totally different than all above
NM
Classic sign of an abusive is a very , very fast romance - sm
leading to marriage, which it appears you have done. He has successfully isolated you from your family and controls everything you do. He is deciding where you live, what "he" wants to do, work, etc. You don't mentions kids, and I hope you don't have any, but if you do you need to take back some control if you intend to stay in this one-sided marriage. Sounds like you have no say/input at all, it is his way or no way. My DH gives me grief when I visit my family, as do my in-laws, I go anyway. He doesn't like it but he cannot stop me from going. He knows better than to try. He will make my life living hell until I leave, trying to get to stay, but I think only one time did I give in and not go, and boy was I mad at him for quite some time (and myself for giving in). My DH is very passive-aggressive but most of the time I ignore him but other times he gets me all worked up ready to kill him and then he is fine, and I am all mad. Drives me crazy. But after 12 years of this I have learned not to take the bait so much, and have seriously though of kicking him out, though he's refuse to leave as it "is his house" (it is in his name only but we bought it 10 years ago while we were married, so it is every bit mine as his). So if you get to the point when you are sick of his controlling ways, go see a lawyer. I plan to soon myself just to see where I would stand in the event of a divorce. We both have our faults in my marriage and I think it is smart thing to find out what could or could not happen in the event of a divorce. You might want to see what your rights are too, cannot hurt. As for your sister coming, just say, Mary is coming to visit and tough cookies if this bothers you. She has never been here before and I want to see my sister and niece and if you don't like it make yourself scarce while they are here. ---Good luck.
I agree with Kendra, if you fear he would be physicall abusive - (sm)
then you need to be away from him. He is just your boyfriend, right? Not even your husband. I left a marriage recently from an abusive husband. He "only" beat me physically once, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive at other times AND he looked at young lesbian porn online. If I ever start dating someone and I get even a hint that they could ever become physically abusive to me I will run from that relationship so fast your head would spin. Please get away from him!! Dont even deal with it another day.
Abusive to women, animals - thank goodness there are no children involved. (sm)
get her out of that situation before any more harm comes about.
Youngest daughter once dated a guy and we discovered she was afraid to not be ready on time, to wear something he didn't like, etc. Soon we found out there were bruises on her upper arms and near her breasts. Needless to say, we marched her to the courthouse, got an ex parte. He broke into our house after that when he thought she was home alone, we pressed charges and had that young man paying court costs for quite some time in addition to going to anger management classes.
We were lucky, we got her out before it was too late. He had her emotionally beat down to the point she couldn't stand up on her own. Heaven help those without a support system.
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