Been to counselling

Posted By: Exhausted. on 2007-02-12
In Reply to: Emotional support - Dizzi

We have been to counseling. Both DH and I right after our first dd was born. It was mainly about MIL and her enmeshment in our marriage. The counselor made H mad because he �took my side and want him to can his mum.� He told H he needed to put me first. H does have a good paying job, plus he had a little side bus. of mowing lots to help support his family. The counselor says since was doing all that then I should be able to quit job and keep my child at home. H waited until we were out in the parking lot and said that if I quite my job some of our stuff was going to have to go and it wasn�t going to be anything of his. He said he wasn�t going back to that quack.

So, I turned out a MIL message board. They told me about emotional incest. DH found all my post and forward it to his mommy and when mommy confronted me she made it sound as if I had accused all their family, aunts, uncles, cousins of having one big orgy. She said that they are just a loving little family and my family was unloving, uncaring blah blah blah Then she wanted to know why I felt so insecure in the marriage.

I went to a female counselor. She said that unfortunately that this kind of relationship that H and MIL share is getting more and more common and it is not a good thing. She said this self-centeredness, codependency is all a product of that kind of parent/child relationship. She recommended a book that I read called Emotional Incest and show it to dh but I didn�t because I know he would get mad and again, cuss me out, tell his mommy and accuse this woman of being a quack and then here we go again.

Aside from this behavior, I know the only one I can change is myself. I am insecure. I almost believe that is why dh married me because I had doormat written across my forehead. I am getting better but I have a lot to do. I would leave in a jif. It is just a survival issue for me. It is not just me, I have 2 kids to think about. Two small ones at that.

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i need some emotional support - Exhausted.
- I feel your pain - typingforpennies
- I always ask myself........ - Patti
  - yes . . . - anon
- Dont blast me people, but if you do I can take it. Exhausted, please do not have any - more children with this man, if you cant take care
- There is a fine line hear..... - Is this a cry for help?????
  - I said pestering, not pest. - Exhausted.
    - No need to explain yourself... - PAMT~MDM
  - I don't get this from her note, her DH was supposed -sm -
    - Kinda off topic here, but I hate it when a husband is suggested - by others to "babysit" his own kids. That ju
- What would Dr. Phil say? - missy
- Have you been on Dr. Phil? I swear I saw this on his show. - First thing U need is a back bone- and I mean that
- virtual hugs to you "exhausted" one...sm (long) - flybye
  - Excellent response! I hope she listens. nm - deb
  - Mine's a shorter version but very similar..... - sm
  - WOW . . - anon
  - This is an excellent post. - ER MT
  - Wow. You SO hit the nail on the head with this one--sm - nn
- i'd tell him it's marriage/family counseling - or the HIGHWAY...........good luck!!!...nm
- I have a suggestion. - Quit the second job.
  - I know someone, who knows someone.... - Hayseed
    - I love your posts Hayseed! Your answers are great! - Dizz
      - I just tries to keeps it light in this crazy world is all... - Hayseed
  - I have an even better suggestion - Minnie
    - There she goes again...geez. NM - TM
      - She's got a point though! - TYPER MOM
        It's not the fact that she maybe has a point - TM
        Both of my children were out of high school when I chose this - Wannie
        Thank you for that! :o) NM - TM
        You said about yourself what I have said before and yet - Minnie
        And another thing.... - TM
        OMG! Um..... - TM
        See posts on here describing how kids better with their family but.... - Minnie
- Emotional support - Dizzi
  - Been to counselling - Exhausted.
    - Having seen this whole thing go down up close and personal = - been there too
    - The fact you did not file for divorce after your husband sent the - sm
    - It seems highly unlikely to me sm - april
    - been to counseling, didn't work, does not..sm - if you lose your sanity....sm
    - Do you have any family or friends you can stay with? I do not - Kokopoo
    - more advice - you'll be no good to those kids if - if you lose your sanity....sm
      - options - anon
        been there--sm - nn
        only IF the passive aggressive wants help......... - nope - only if they want to change.....nm
    - I see myself in you. - kd
    - Of course they choose the most vulnerable--sm - nn

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Definitely try counselling; then at least you know - sm
you tried and did not run at the first sign of trouble. It is possible they had not had sex yet, but unless he or she fesses up you will never know for sure. My DH cheated on his first wife; he does not cheat on me (so guys don't always keep cheating) though I know he is not happy I have gained weight (about 70 pounds heavier than I was when we married) but he is still not getting it elsewhere. No I am not being naive; he is also germophobic so I am very surprised he cheated on his first wife (3x but no long affairs or anything, we are talking one-night stands). His ex used sex as a reward/weapon; which is I think a big mistake and just asking for your spouse to cheat. I have also told him pointblank if he cheats, I will divorce him and he will only see the kids every other weekend, etc. He lives for our kids and loves them to pieces. If your DH has any sense and loves his kids he will try to keep the marriage together and work on improving it. Obviously you need to work at it too, it takes two to fix the problem.