Anyone go through a divorce w/younger kids? sm
Posted By: UnHappyFlaMT on 2008-11-20
In Reply to:
I've been married almost 12 years and have an 11 y/o and 7 y/o. My husband and I have been fighting almost constantly for the past several months, mostly about him drinking. He had a problem with pot and other substances for about 5 years and finally went back to work a little over a year ago. Ever since then, he has been drinking at least 1/3 of a large bottle of vodka every night but doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he still goes to work every day. Any time we fight, he threatens to end the marriage because "it just isn't going to work out anyway," while I have always felt you don't throw around the word divorce unless you mean it. Well, I mean it now. I gave him an ultimatum - straighten himself out or I leave with the kids. I am not going to go through 5 years of this again. It is affecting the kids, and my son is acting out to the point of saying he wishes he had never been born. I am giving my husband until after Christmas to decide what he is going to do, and if he does not value our marriage more than his alcohol, I am moving out of state. This is not to keep him away from the kids but because my parents (divorced also) are in a different state than I am and I have no family at all here.
Has anyone had to make a decision like this? I don't want to do this, but I feel I have no other options. He refuses to go to counseling or to see a doctor about what I am positive is depression. Any tips or suggestions? Sorry to dump on everyone like this, thanks for reading.
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When my kids were a bit younger
I would always walk up to school at the end of the day and walk them home. One of my daughter's friends would walk with us and nearly every day ask if she could come over to play after school. I would nearly always say, oh, I don't care. She thought that was so cool - her mom always cared and it was always NO! I say, it's their house too, they can have anyone over if we are going to be home. If they aren't embarassed at the mess, I'm not either.
which is better? Divorce or stay for kids? (sm)
My husband and I are trying to decide which is better, to get a divorce or to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage. He is bitter a majority of the time. I am depressed because of the marriage. But we are able to function and so far the kids are doing well. They do well in school, are social, involved in Scouts and church, no behavioral or emotional issues. I say if we can do this right and divorce with as little trauma as possible, we can keep the kids happy. He says we should just stay together like we are, which is not having sex for the past 3 years but him asking for it daily, and being bitter every day when I say no. There have been a lot of terrible things that have gone on between him and me, and we have been to several marriage counsellors. I know I will never want to be sexual with him again, because when he touches me, it feels like poison, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to change that feeling. yet he asks me every day, usually via email. Which is worse?
I read that for the younger kids, this is a good time
to explain to them that the characters they love on TV are just that "characters pretending" and they should look to parents, teachers, scout leaders, etc as role models. I am not saying you haven't done that, but I thought it was good advice for the young ones that are disappointed and don't understand.
1. SILs want you to divorce; don't; 2. Bad role model for your kids.
I would not let my kids go with them without me. I would not allow my husband to not stick up for me. I would not go near these people as much as possible. Live your life with your children. Not sure what to think about your man.
younger men
My husband is 5 years younger, no problem with age here. My kids get a kick out of it and tell dad that Mom's the boss, because she's older!!
Younger Men
Age is only an indication of how long we have been on this earth. It does not determine our level of intellect, experience, class or style. As long as he is an adult and meets your standards and expectations, that is all that matters. I have seen older me that are a mess and younger ones that are a mess. It is a very individual thing. My husband is 8 years younger and we have a wonderful marriage.
when i was younger
had to move from our home because the owner wanted to remodel. we had been there 5 years.
I'm 7 yrs younger.
x
Wish I had read this when I was younger!
Everything you said was on the mark. Thanks for a great post!
Although I'm several years younger than you (47) I would
say that you are already working at your marriage. You keep the little spats from becoming big arguments, you have a good relationship with your husband, you trust each other, you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours. All of these things are what I consider working at marriage. Those who don't "work" on these things often end up divorced or miserable. Just thank God that you have a wonderful husband and a good marriage. I wouldn't worry too much about "working" on your marriage. Sounds like you're doing a good job of that already. 
Why she might be interested in younger men . . .
It sounds like your mother was devastated when your father died. Wow! Nearly 50 years together! If they had a happy marriage, she probably misses that closeness and wants to experience that again. And, maybe she's looking for younger men, because someone much younger is not likely to die before her. That means, she wouldn't have to experience the pain of being widowed again.
My uncle died just recently. He had been married to his second wife for just two years. His first wife died of cancer five years ago. And his second wife was widowed seven years earlier. When I spoke to his wife after the funeral, she talked about how horrible it was to be widowed twice, and that she didn't want to go through that ever again. But, she also talked about how lucky she was to have experienced two wonderful marriages.
Maybe your mother is looking for the same.... she wants another wonderful love in her life, but she's afraid of being a widow again. That would be reasonable, I think. However, she definitely sounds gullible, and she's looking for love in the wrong place! Has she had any grief counseling? Maybe you can talk to her about what it is she's really looking for. People do things because they are trying to fulfill needs. They repeat behaviors because there's some sort of payoff for what they're doing. She's getting something like a "sugar rush" when she meets these men online. Briefly, her fantasy is fulfilled. But, when the truth is revealed, she's devastated again. I know I'm sounding like a Psych 101 graduate, but that's really what it sounds like to me. She keeps doing this, because she likes that sugar rush. There has to be a way to break that, and to really find a way for her to be comfortable with herself.
I'm so sorry for her pain. She must be so sad after having lost her husband.
yes, she did have talent when much younger.....
She had talent when she was still a good girl........when she still had morals and ethics before choosing her so-many-wrong-paths.
just my opinion.......
Yep - love those younger men *lol*
 And I wouldn't have it any other way.....
I'm with man 4 yrs younger. Nothing wrong with it.
a
I love younger men
they seem happier and more spontaneous! I dated one 3 years younger (no big deal), I also dated one 5 years younger. Go for it, if that is why you are asking.
I am 50! You are younger than me. How is that for positive??? nm
.
Younger smartmouth
My stepson is only 5 years old and he is so disrespectful about backtalking. But God forbid if I say anything about it because my husband will jump down my throat. He lets that child get away with murder. He never punishes him by time out or anything. I just feel like by the time he gets 11 years old, he will be horrible. So I am pretty sure that this kid's parents just do not do anything about his smart mouth just like my husband does nothing about his kid's smart mouth. I just dont' get it.
In my younger days
I did a lot of drugs.
24.... 10 years younger!!! nm
nm
I LOVE younger men. Seems like all the ones I like,
Glad to be a cougar!
How many years younger?
Mine is 10 and the best thing I have run across.
13 years younger and....
FABULOUS. I never thought I'd have so much in common with someone so much younger but he's turned out to be a definite keeper.
I think younger guys are the best thing around...They're definitely the best angi-aging remedy around, lol!!!
GO COUGARS!!! :)
I'm not the younger generation and I don't sew either
I'm 46 and with the exception of a button here or there, I don't sew either. I also don't iron. My mother did all of those things, it just never trickled over to me. Now, my daughter can sew a few things and her best friend has her own sewing machine and sews quite well.
My younger left at almost 30 and
I hope they do fine and can maintain their own lives outside of mine. I love my own life, I travel quite a bit, do the things I want and to me the child rearing years not half as satisfying as my life is now.
Depends on what age 20 yrs younger is (sm)
If he is early 20s, I say he would probably be temporary. If he is 30 and you're 50...it could possibly work out.
19 months younger - nm
x
I am 6.5 years younger than my DH - sm
I have a friend who was about 8 years younger, she warned me not to do it as her DH never wanted to go anywhere or so anything. My DH likes to stay home but likes to go out and do stuff too, so that is not an issue for us. My dad is 12 years older than my step-mom, so for it is working for them, will see what happens when he gets infirm. (74/62)
divorce
Been there. You hit the nail right on the head -- his drinking overpowers or affects every aspect of your life, and your childrens' lives. Every day, every minute. Most people can't comprehend the constant stress that puts on a family. He's absolutely miserable with his drinking, and wants everybody around him to be as miserable as he is. Tired of walking on the eggshells and sick of the promises that mean nothing? I know I was! Drunks tell you what they think you want to hear to buy them more time. You need peace in your lives for once. You need to be able to predict what your day is going to be like when you wake up in the morning, and so do your kids. I hope it is a 'friendly' divorce for you. You may hurt his ego more than anything else. Good luck to you. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you. I will tell you this -- when my ex left after 12 years, my children and I finally felt like we could BREATHE.
Just let me know about the divorce! nm
m
divorce
Me, too, Freebie - I absolutely despised the man after 17-1/2 yrs., got divorced. He had the nerve to die 5 yrs. later. Had I stayed, I would be on easy street now instead of wondering whether to pay the phone bill, the electric bill or pay for Christmas or charge it. If I only knew then what I know now - haunting isn't it?
Divorce
My children were 14 and 11 at the time of my divorce, they are now 24 and 21 and are happy productive adults that any mother would be proud of. Not to say it wasn`t a very hard thing to go through, but all the fighting is very hard on the children to. I remember my daughter telling me that if I was to ever take her dad back she would be very mad at me, what does that tell you, if your children are old enough, talk to them about their feeling and fears.
Also, their dad got in their in there head and promised them all kinds of things that never came to past, to get them to stay with him so he didn`t have to pay child support,so be ready for that to, but as I said it didn`t take my daughter long to figure that all out, now she is grown and married and her and her dad hardly speak, which breaks my heart, it not fair that a child should have to do without either parent. Anyway I could go on about this subject all night cause it is a heartbreaking thing for all involved.
But you are the only one that know if it`s worth hanging on to.
my prayer`s go out to you in whatever you decide.
After my divorce
and my 45th birthday, it seems like everything changed for me. Things I thought were important, aren't anymore. I don't care about what I have, I'm more interested in what I've done, or more specifically, haven't done yet. Even my politics have changed some. Life changes you. Its like Character Remodeling as we mature.
I've always been suspect of anyone over 45 who tells me that they have no regrets in life. Have they lived life with eyes wide open? Nothing could have been made better?
In some ways, if you aren't evolving and changing, is it possible that you are not living? Great question.
divorce
It takes time. Be extra kind to yourself, seek support if you need to. It does get better, trust me. I am now in a place where I'm happiest I've ever been. I'm still alone but independent and free!
Divorce
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision.
Shelly
If you are going through with the divorce,
it will come out when you list assests, debts, etc.
divorce
I always think it is funny when women think divorce is the best thing for everyone and will make everyone happy.
Kids need two parents whether you are divorced or not, not a counselor to straighten him out.
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
For you younger gals out there. That K-Fed is hysterical! sm
I just read about his party in Chicago (I ran out of work!) and they were GIVING AWAY tickets to his concert last night! He got on stage and with his pants almost to his knees started rapping that he was "single" and if any ladies wanted to be with a pimp! haha! Yeah, what -idiot- would want to be with a guy who has a 2 year old with one woman, and 2 other kids under 2 with another woman (Brittney Spearks) PLUS has another 4 or 5 year old too! What is that - 5 kids?! Hilarious.
And, to boot, he's not making any money with this rap debut and Brittney will pay him 180,000 total in spousal support. Poor guy..
I've just never in my life been embarrassed for someone after reading a story about them! Good night. He was in a VIP room in Chicago letting his "entourage" try on his many gold chains. Isn't that the funniest fricken thing you've ever heard?! Well, he was probably trying to sell them to people so he could pay his child support. Which will be plenty when he's through divorcing.
Yeah, I want to be with a pimp like that. NOT!
The younger ones tend to have more 'stamina.' If the 2 of you get
ENJOY!
When they were younger I just worked while they napped - sm
and late into the night. So maybe 3 hours during the day, then from 9-1 or 2. I had a lot more stamina then, can't do that anymore. They are in school now, work about 5-7 hours during the day now and 2-3 hours at night after dinner (8-10 or 11), squeeze it in as early as I can in the evening as DH usually makes dinner, though I dish it out and the kids and I sit down to dinner together (DH eats later). As I don't have a set schedule this works out very well for me. I plan to alter this for the summer though somewhat by still working 2-3 hours at night, but get up early @ 5 or so, and try to be done my work by 9 a.m. so I can have the days totally free to do as I please with the kids. It will be a bit tiring, and I don't have to do this every day, but it will be worth it!
My stepson is 8 months younger than me (sm)
My ex was my age. He was a flop. Not that that experience kept me from dating men my own age. It didn't, and I wasn't seeking out an older man, either.
I became friends with my current husband at work. We were both side-by-side charge nurses. We had a lot of fun together and the residents loved when we worked together. I had the extreme pleasure of seeing what a caring, considerate, and gentle person he is to people he cared for at his job. He is unbelievable.
He knew I had a daughter from my ex. I knew he had 2 grown sons, one of them a few months younger than me. It was weird at first kissing on a guy with more wrinkles than I was used to. However, the fact that I was a nurse and had a child with an ex already meant to him that I had experienced some life already. I guess that made me fair game. :) The age thing does not affect us at all, especially now. At first it took getting used to, but now it is nothing. The only thing I fear is not having someone to grow old with, but nobody knows what will happen with their life day to day.
We subsequently had 2 more little girls together. We have 3 girls to raise now. I have since become a step-grandma to a wonderful little boy. We just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. I couldn't be happier. He never thought he'd have more children, but he thinks it is absolutely incredible to do again. He says he appreciates his kids more now that he's older. Not that he doesn't appreciate his older kids, it's just different.
I went to his 30-year class reunion. He was congratulated because of his young wife. LOL
I wouldn't date anyone much younger than me. I'd really be robbing the cradle. I prefer robbing the grave with the ol' hubby now. ;) Besides, it's a lot easier when they're older and broken in than when they have to be trained to do things.
Our relationship, though, is not like the stuff portrayed on TV shows. Our relationship is normal, happy, and positive. No big deal.
I just think this younger generation just needs to be taught! sm
I am a woman in my 30s. Got married almost 10 years ago. I lived up north for a long time and married a man from the "true" south. Okay. Here I go - and I may get flamed for this, but here I go...When I lived in NY, I NEVER saw a thank-you note or even saw anyone in my family write one. Never. So, I was never "taught" that you write thank-you notes due to my upbringing.
I think it is a cultural thing. Maybe it's even a socioeconmic thing. Yes, we were very poor growing up in NY. Both my parents made around 26,000 combined with 3 children.
Fast-forward. I move down here, meet this amazing guy with a large family - most have money - lots of it - we have a huge wedding - I receive more gifts than I could even count - met people at my wedding I've never seen before in my life - the southern generosity has been overwhelming, and still is. We go on our long honeymoon and when I get home, my MIL calls and says to me, "Mrs. so and so (from the wedding shower), still hasn't received your thank-you note. Maybe you just forgot to send hers out. In any case, just thought I'd let you know! EMBARASSING! So, I pulled out my thank-you cards that came with my wedding invites and began writing thank you notes. That is where the LOVE of writing thank-you notes and just-writing-to-say-hello notes began. I LOVE doing it now. Love it. My family up north and around the country are amazed.
Here again, I was TAUGHT by my new mother-in-law, so to speak, and she did it in a very tactful manner.
Writing notes is just an amazing ministry and I love to do it. I get them printed off and personalized now with either my initial or my full name. You can get them on ebay, they will print 20 of them for you with corresponding envelopes for around 10 bucks.
Anyways, this was my experience.
My hubby gets that, too. He was younger than yours the first time.
He passed out one night at 2:00 a.m. after getting up to go to the bathroom. Scared the cr@p out of me when I heard a big crash as his head hit the countertop and then the floor. I couldn't get the bathroom door open because he had crumpled against it. I finally got the door open but he was disoriented and even his lips had gone pale. I called the ambulance and we went to the ER in the middle of the night. His blood pressure and head CT were fine. They even tested him for drugs and alcohol because they didn't believe us that we don't do those things.All of his tests came back fine, so the doc diagnosed micturition syncope. The doctor told him to sit down when he urinates at night, and also to get more rest and stay hydrated. Yeah, those were some expensive medical bills for just fainting while he went potty.
Funny, one of my kids brought that up the other day. They vaguely remember being scared at having the fire truck and ambulance at the house, and then Dad being taken to the hospital. They just didn't know why.
Isn't that cute! Looks much younger than her age! Well maintained......sm
sm
To me she looks like she was stunning in her younger days. sm
Her bone structure, her hair, her eyes. You can see remnants of what used to be.
Kinda sad.
Where did you find a younger picture? nm
X
the younger generation will be the heros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBUKRAE2O9c
Maybe you will be wise elder, but you won't be the hero, the kids will be.
I am so glad my younger man decided
to hook up with this lady. It has been more than what I could have ever expected. He was the first guy I ever dated younger, married and never realized such a man existed. Totally in love with him 10 years later.
I wonder about older men, younger women
Look at these celebrity marriages. The men keep getting divorced and marrying young women until the men themselves get too old that they wouldn't be able to get a younger woman anymore. Most of the marriages described in this post are 2nd or 3rd marriages for these men. The women are saying they are lasting a long time but you are actually the trophy wife. If your old man husband divorced you now, he wouldn't be able to get a young woman anymore and he would be alone with no one to take care of him.
My former supervisor married a man 18 years older than she is. She took care of him during his long illness (about 10 years). When I saw her at the funeral, she took me aside and she whispered "I'm free". I knew she would be just fine!
I said already that I was much prettier and younger than my husband..nm
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