ABUSIVE HUSBAND!
Posted By: Rosemarie Danelle on 2008-04-18
In Reply to: What do you think - Ms. Guilt trip
YOU ASKED! I think you need, at the very least, to get professional couple counseling. This is clearly spousal abuse and you need to learn why you have letting it go on so long. If he won't go (and I'd bet money he won't), then go by yourself and learn why you have put up with this for so long. I am sorry you are hurting, but you have the power to change all this. You could start, at the very least, by reading self-help books about assertiveness training, spousal abuse, self-esteem,etc. Good luck!
(By the way I was in private practice as a psychotherapist for years, and am a medical transcription teacher now.)
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Is this an abusive marriage or not? (sm)
I have been posting below about my debt, my husband opening credit cards in my name, cheating, etc. I recently called a domestic abuse line to try to get some clarity on my situation. They said it was domestic abuse and to take out a restraining order on him, that would last for 10 days, then we both go to court and state our cases, and then the restraining order may or may not be instituted for a year. All I could think was how angry this would make my husband. It would put him right into battle mode and I would be toast. Apparently a lot of abusive men use the threat of taking the children as a way to subdue their victim. It works because it scared me into wondering if I can even try to leave.
Anyway, here is what he does: Has not hit me in the last few years but in the first 10 or so years of our marriage would push me around some, back me against the wall when arguing, grab my hands or finger if I pointed at him, etc. A few years ago he went nuts and beat me up, banged my head into a pole on the carport, bruised my arms, pulled my hair, screamed in my face biting my nose with every word. I went to my neighbor, who was a police officer, and told him, and he told me not to report it because my husband would lose his job - a high paying professional level job where he is well-respected. So I did not turn him in but did go to stay with my family in another state for a week and made him go to anger management counselling. He went twice but stopped going as soon as I came home. Prior to that time he had also slapped my son (at the age of 2) once in the face and had grabbed me when my son would fall, keeping me from being able to pick him up until I would fight my way away from him. After the big event and anger management counselling he has not hit anyone again at all but is always seething. He is a hunter and has guns in our house and I am afraid that one day he may snap again, as I did not see it coming when he attacked me before.
In the last couple of years, our marriage has barely existed. I have wanted to leave but he keeps talking me out of it. I am pretty sure he has been cheating for a long time and had some good evidence, though not proof, about a year ago, and stopped having sex with him. He has been angry, sends me emails asking me to have sex with him or give him a "BJ", grabs my breasts whenever he walks by and just lets them fall (just very disrespectfully), or grabs my crotch or whatever. He says very rude things to me. I have told him in the past that if he will work on our relationship then we may be able to get back to having sex but he says I have to work on the sex part first then he will work on the relationship.
About six months ago I had a car accident about a mile from home and called to ask him to come get me and he said no, just let them tow the car to the shop, I'm sure you can get a ride home. When I got home he said if I was not going to be a wife to him, he was not going to be a husband to me. So now he will do things like clean my car and expect a sexual favor in return. When I don't do it he says he does things for me that he doesn't want to do, so why can't I do things for him that I don't want to do?
This could go on and on so I will wrap it up. He insults me all the time, controls the money, makes me feel bad about myself and WORSE makes my son feel bad about himself. My daughter so far has been left out of it and he just ignores her. She is doing well in school, is a normal weight, etc. But my son and I have both gained lots of weight, my son seems depressed and withdrawn but promises me his dad has done nothing inappropriate to him. My son is scared for me to leave his dad because of the visitation time he would have to spend alone with him without me there to be a buffer (husband makes him work for hours raking leaves, etc and will not let him have breaks. I have to step in and make him let my son take breaks or tell him when enough is enough. Husband gets very angry about this. I know children have to do chores but they need to do them as children, not as grown men when they are not adults). I can go and file the restraining order but my husband will fight will all he is worth if I do. Maybe if I try to reach a happy medium with him in a divorce he will be nicer?
Why does no one want to talk about this? I have tried to talk to people at church and they all act horrified. My husband is Mr. Personality and I guess no one thinks he could do things like this.
Define "really abusive"
That phrase alone tells me you have never been in an abusive relationship. Writing a letter describing flaws can be just as demeaning (read abusive) as telling her to her face. Unless, you have been in a similar situation, you really have no right to say her husband is not "really abusive." Mental abuse is just as debilitating as physical abuse, and that is exactly what the letter was intended to be. And yes, I too believe in marriage, but a "date night" isn't going to change the abusive type of behavior.
Your father was violent, abusive, totally different than all above
NM
Classic sign of an abusive is a very , very fast romance - sm
leading to marriage, which it appears you have done. He has successfully isolated you from your family and controls everything you do. He is deciding where you live, what "he" wants to do, work, etc. You don't mentions kids, and I hope you don't have any, but if you do you need to take back some control if you intend to stay in this one-sided marriage. Sounds like you have no say/input at all, it is his way or no way. My DH gives me grief when I visit my family, as do my in-laws, I go anyway. He doesn't like it but he cannot stop me from going. He knows better than to try. He will make my life living hell until I leave, trying to get to stay, but I think only one time did I give in and not go, and boy was I mad at him for quite some time (and myself for giving in). My DH is very passive-aggressive but most of the time I ignore him but other times he gets me all worked up ready to kill him and then he is fine, and I am all mad. Drives me crazy. But after 12 years of this I have learned not to take the bait so much, and have seriously though of kicking him out, though he's refuse to leave as it "is his house" (it is in his name only but we bought it 10 years ago while we were married, so it is every bit mine as his). So if you get to the point when you are sick of his controlling ways, go see a lawyer. I plan to soon myself just to see where I would stand in the event of a divorce. We both have our faults in my marriage and I think it is smart thing to find out what could or could not happen in the event of a divorce. You might want to see what your rights are too, cannot hurt. As for your sister coming, just say, Mary is coming to visit and tough cookies if this bothers you. She has never been here before and I want to see my sister and niece and if you don't like it make yourself scarce while they are here. ---Good luck.
I agree with Kendra, if you fear he would be physicall abusive - (sm)
then you need to be away from him. He is just your boyfriend, right? Not even your husband. I left a marriage recently from an abusive husband. He "only" beat me physically once, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive at other times AND he looked at young lesbian porn online. If I ever start dating someone and I get even a hint that they could ever become physically abusive to me I will run from that relationship so fast your head would spin. Please get away from him!! Dont even deal with it another day.
Abusive to women, animals - thank goodness there are no children involved. (sm)
get her out of that situation before any more harm comes about.
Youngest daughter once dated a guy and we discovered she was afraid to not be ready on time, to wear something he didn't like, etc. Soon we found out there were bruises on her upper arms and near her breasts. Needless to say, we marched her to the courthouse, got an ex parte. He broke into our house after that when he thought she was home alone, we pressed charges and had that young man paying court costs for quite some time in addition to going to anger management classes.
We were lucky, we got her out before it was too late. He had her emotionally beat down to the point she couldn't stand up on her own. Heaven help those without a support system.
Does your husband or significant other do this? Just now, at 7:30, my husband came home from sm
playing sports with a friend. After showering he comes downstairs naked and tries to start a conversation with me. My "office" is in the living room and he is standing in back of the couch so I can't see any private parts, just him without his shirt, but I can see enough to know he clearly is naked! I think he wants me to be amused or get turned on or something, but I'm not amused one bit. In fact, I keep working and basically ignore him.
Poor guy. I swear he thinks he's Vince Vaughn or something. I should at least smile at him but all I want to tell him is to put some clothes on! ugh!
My husband is the same way
Something about guys and their cars. I have no kids though and recently married so we still do some of our banking and bills separately by my choice. I thought he was being selfish too. So I got myself a 2nd part time job and I recently went out and bought a newer, bigger, fully loaded SUV and I don't let him use it! lol
My husband and I are doing it right now
and it is working, slowly but surely. After the first couple of things are paid off, its gets better and faster. We have a poster board with all our debt and we redo it every three months, and I must say that you see the debt going away. My hubbie cut all my credit cards up, and I was upset but in the scheme of things, it was the best. We only have one income and its working. Give it a try, I think you'll be surprised that it actually does work. My friend is also doing it, and their debt is disappearing also.
My husband and I did think of it. NM
x
What is your husband's take on that? nm
x
Go for it! I met my husband .....sm
2 months after his wife died from a 3 year bout with cancer and we're very happily married.
Good luck!!!
My husband always tries, although he just
doesn't necessarily have the same taste as me. It is a hit and miss with him, but he always tries. This year we did not exchange gifts (agreed upon ahead of time) because I got a new house and he got a new truck. We concentrated on the kids. The only gripe I really have is that he doesn't do much in the way of getting me gifts from the kids on Mother's Day, and he's not much of a card person, although I am.
He helped me clean all week though, did anything I asked pretty much, cleaned up all day today, etc.
Honestly though, I do not agree with the posts below about making a list. I think that a gift should come from the heart and that some thought should be put into it. Things that I just want, I go get them myself.
My husband and I have 2
roundtrip airfare tickets for anywhere in the US. I'm looking for an all-inclusive resort (room, meals, activities), but am having a hard time finding one. Can you help me out with this? Thanks!
My husband
used this for his leg pain due to fibromyalgia but had a very bad reaction to it so was not able to continue to use it. He found a natural supplement online that has helped. Best of luck!!
So, you would be okay with your husband
nm
This is what my husband (sm)
told me last night. I really hope that isn't what is going on. I am going to talk to her again about it again today. She has a cell phone (very near and dear to her heart!) I like for her to have it, so that I know she is okay when she isn't home, but since I now know that she is still smoking, I think I have very good reason to ground her. Hence, she won't be needing the cell phone.
Thanks for the input everyone.
My husband only uses
regular lotion, but he does like to take baths sometimes. He was glad when we moved and got a garden tub so he could soak. He doesn't go out of his way to use bubbles, but he will take one with me with bubbles.
Met my first husband when I was 5, LOL - sm
First crush was Greg. I met him when I was 5. We played together at church. We started "going together" when I was 13. We got married when I was 18. We got divorced when I was 32. Tried again several times. Finally called it quits when I was 37...sigh.
Then there was Stacy....we were together for two years.
Then there is Tommy, we have been together for three years - married for two years.
My husband was the one who
donated the sperm and had it washed, the doctor performed the IUI, and nature created twins. It was a WE effort in my case.
This is your husband
If there's one person in the world you should be honest with, it's your husband. Don't lie about this, this is BIG...just explain to him your feelings and if he loves you and you love him, you can work it out and make both of you happy. But lying WILL come back to bite you in the a$$...trust me, I know...good luck!
My husband was gay
We've been divorced for a while now, but it still hurts like crazy. I don't know anyone who has been through this. Is there anyone out there who's spouse came out to them?
My husband did!
He had to have surgery because otherwise the muscles would have atrophied. Because lifting was required for his job, he was out on disability for 4 months. However, soon afterward a radiologist I knew had it done, and he only took 1 day off and then was back at work, not complaining, and not taking strong pain killers. My hubby is a big guy, and it was hard on him, but he's able to work fine now. He has also had cervical spinal fusion, and the rotator cuff was worse for him, oddly enough.
Husband and I have dog and cat instead!
Kids...no thank you! Decided at around 12-13 or so that I didn't want any. I'm 30 now and haven't changed my mind and don't plan to.
I AM SO MAD AT HUSBAND
I am so mad with this man. Last night he made a comment that all I have to do on my job is sit on my A_ _ and stare at a computer screen. He thinks this job is cushy. I transcribe every foreign doctor known to man for 8-10 hours 5-6 days a week, achieve OVER my line counts and bring home more money than he does and I work from home. What in the world does he think gives him the right to talk down to me? Even though I love it, this is one of the most taxing jobs I have ever had in my life. The mental drain is incomprehensible at times. I was so mad when he came up with that, I would have thrown him out if he would have had anywhere else to go!
mad at husband
Do what I do..i put him in my chair with my own keyboard, a set of headphones and told him i would be back in 30 minutes. And I gave him one of my best enunciating docs to boot. Needless to say....no more sit on my a** comments any more. I put the son in the chair too. Good luck.
Which one, the husband or dog?
He, he!
What do you do when your husband says
He does not love you anymore after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids? He left once about 3 years ago, but came back saying he missed us and loved me and that he was just going through a tough time and he knew he was making a bad choice. I thought we were okay, not smart of me, then he started getting distant and grumpy all the time again, and he told me last night that he tried really hard these last 3 years, mostly for our kids sake and because he cares about me and does not want to leave me high and dry, but he does not love me and is not happy with me. He says we have nothing in common anymore, which we really didn't in the first place, but it was okay until recently.
I don't know what to do. All 3 kids are extremely close to their dad, and he loves them so much, but I feel I should move to where my parents are (next town 20 miles away) but it will be harder for him to see them and also rent is so much higher for housing there. I just feel like I want to be closer to my family because here, I have NO ONE. I moved here because it was his hometown and he was happy. I also have the kids in preschool here, again cheaper than in the town I want to go to. My son will be in first grade and needs speech therapy for developmental delay and I like the people who have been working with him as they know his history. Am I being selfish wanting to take them away from here? I am lost and don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. 
What do you do when husband...
Ditto totally trose. Permanently CLOSE his door except when dealing with/talking about children. Work hard at your job, totally concentrate on YOUR life and family. God is your refuge..will keep you safe and won't lead you wrong. You are strong (else you wouldn't be an mtmomof3) ... you can do this. Will remember you in my prayers.
husband
he sounds like a pig... i say move on
My husband will be right over! LOL!
xx
Is my husband
Because I think we are married to the same guy. Here's my rule: I don't tell him everything, but when asked, I tell the truth. Except when I buy my son an $80 pair of shoes, I shave a few bucks off. Other than that I tell the truth. I know how you feel though. When he comes home if I hear squealing tires on the driveway or the door slams just right, I think, "Uh-oh. What did I do now?"
Is there anyone who has a husband...
like mine...he is an adult and acts like one, he respects what I do for a living, thanks me for working as hard as I do, would never expect me to do everything around the house without him helping out, and is generally a fabulous guy. Sounds like a lot of women are married to self-centered whiners who think THEIR job is the important one. I truly am blessed!
My husband...
I was going to post something similar to this...reading these threads about jerk husbands makes me sooo very grateful for mine. He's handsome, sexy, funny...works doggone hard for us so I can work PT, and still helps around the house in the evenings after work. Guess that's why I've kept him for 20 years---today!!! 
Oh, did I mention he's the bestest dad ever (as our DS puts it)...I could go on and on, but I won't...I am sorry for those who are not blessed with a wonderful man, it truly is a gift!
why the MIL and not your husband?
You are going after the wrong person. Your husband should be beside you all the way 100%. It is his job to talk/deal with his family. If he doesn't or won't, you've got a bigger problem with him than with the outlaws.
Your husband should say something
You are to cleave to husband and wife. If the MIL is not going to handle the situation your husband should definately stand up for you and say if you dont show some respect to my wife stay away. I have a SIL that does not like me either because she married into the family first and thinks I stole some of her thunder, but thank goodness my husband stands up for me. The MIL probably wants to keep peace that is how mine is, so I would talk to your husband about getting the situation resolved. Some people can be so dumb to act that way. Good luck, hope things get better.
What did your husband say about it?
xx
ex-husband
Well, Pammy,
I think you would fit right in with me and my friends' "board." We meet once a week and "discuss things." We all share the blessing of an ex-husband except one. Maybe ex is just so blissfully happy he forgot to tell you, or maybe he is just TOO CHICKEN - you think. In any case, the "board" meets tomorrow night. I'll be thinking of you.
LOL! My husband said she was just doing her job. It was probably on sm
the paper! LOL
My husband became an RN at age 43.
He thought he was too old and not smart enough because he did poorly in school. Not true! He certainly wasn't the oldest in his classes. Go for it!
Well, it is for me because my husband
is a whiz at navigating, and he can't understand my problem AT ALL. My problem is not just at night - it's all the time. I never worried about it as a kid. I was just one of those passengers that paid no attention to how we got anywhere, but no bid deal when the city is laid out in a grid. Then we moved to the South, where there is no such thing as a logical grid, and instead of being able to see for long distances and get your bearings, you are hemmed in by trees. I love trees, but must they be so dense you can't see through them??
Oh, and if you're downtown you have to pay attention to which are one-way streets. What a nightmare for a navigationally challenged woman. I can hardly wait to have Magellan on my side. DH says this model can even adapt if you take a wrong turn. Yeah!
Husband gets mad
Send him back home to his mother and let her deal with him. I would show him the door. My husband has total respect for me and the fact that I work at home. He just told his 2 children that coming to our house for Christmas on Friday the 21st will not work and that they have to come Saturday after 3:00 p.m. because I work at home and that isn't fair to me to have a house full of children and grandchildren (all step by the way) while I'm trying to work. They live 2-1/2 hours away and will be staying overnight and we are celebrating our Christmas with his side of the family Sat/Sun before Christmas. He has never and better never, if he knows what's good for him, refer to me as a _itch. I'm always referred to as "baby" or "babe". He does a lot around the house, inside and out, to help me as do I because I am a very neat/clean person and like my entire house, cupboards and closets kept that way. He cleans up after himself and last but not least, he is not a "slob" in the bathroom. God love him.
Where's your husband?
Tell this kid to get out of your house. Don't let him back in until he learns some manners. Since he doesn't think he owes you and your husband any respect, let him get out there on his own and see how the world will treat him.
Don't ever let your 8-year-old go anywhere with him. Obviously, the stepson has no sense of responsibility.
You and your husband need to tell him together that your house is no longer his home, that he is not to plan on spending summer break at your house. If you want to continue helping him with college costs, okay, but he cannot be allowed to treat you, your son or your husband so hatefully. He's teaching your son to lie, cussing at you in front of your son - good grief, what are you waiting for?
The fact that he doesnt treat other people that way says he knows he can get by with the bad behavior - he's manipulating you and your husband. Don't let it happen anymore.
Ah okay - I bet my husband knows who she is. I don't get
a chance to watch much tv - maybe an hour or two a week but he watches it constantly while he is out of town. I will make mention of her to him. Thanks for the info!
Me too. I know everything about my husband.
Even his social security number!
Husband can't hug - ever - without it being...(sm)
sexual. Do any of them? I would sometimes just like for him to be affectionate and just show me that he loves me without grabbing any of my body parts - or forcing my hand onto his. He does this EVERY time. I have told him how it makes me feel but he keeps doing it. Do they all do this?
would you tell your husband this?
Tonight i told my oldest son i was proud of him, he did his chores today and took care of his little brother for me while i was working w/o complaints, evening making his dinner w/o me even knowing it! I told him he would be a good father one day. He said, "not like daddy...he's mean and yells too much."
First off, hubby is 27 and still works with his mom at a gas station out of town about 30 m away. But in his heart he is a musician. He has tried for over a decade to "make" it without a whole lot of success. this is very frustrating to him. Secondly, he has chronic pain from a back injury and now it is discovered he has TMJ and is presently suffering from that. Also, he has anxiety and does't get a whole lot of help from the medical community with any of these medical issues despite seeing doctors regularly. All of this combined has made him a frustrated, irritable and mostly miserable person. He IS playing at the Whiskey in LA on the 4th of July which i am hoping this turn things around for him at least in one direction.
My question is this: Should I tell hubby what my son said? I'm not sure if he will blow it off or take it to heart. Maybe i'm just the pushover??
My husband and I still have these
days, but we've learned to talk about them when we're not angry. It seems to be a cycle and I seriously believe men have PMS.
It may be that he's stressed from bearing the financial aspects of your relationship. I've always done the finances in our home, but a while back things were a little tight financially. I know I got really irritated when my husband would say - let's go somewhere this weekend or let's buy this . Instead of me explaining that we didn't have the money, I'd lash out at him because I was angry at myself for not having the money. We ended up arguing but not about the point. After a couple of months of this cycle, I sat him down 1 night and showed him "the books". I told him that we weren't in dire need but we did need to budget a little better and he understood a little better the stress involved with paying the bills, etc. I even let him take it over for a while (of course that didn't last long, b/c he's not great with remembering when things are due and balancing the checkbook). He seemed to understand and we worked out a better budget to allow us some fun together, which we desperately needed.
My point is, that it sounds like the problem may be that your fiance is stressed about making ends meet and may even be a little scared about providing for you once you're married. I would suggest that you sit down and talk it over with him when he's not upset. You might want to consider setting a budget you both agree on and sticking to it prior to getting married. Learning how to communicate now will be key in making your marriage work.
I've been married 13 years this summer and communication is probably the single most important factor in that. I can talk to my husband about anything - and I mean anything. We don't always agree on what we talk about, but we do talk about it. Congratulations on your wedding!!
I think my husband and I were. sm
We thought it was being an involved parent. We knew her teachers (yes, she is an only child). We were band boosters, went to all of the games and concerts. I was the cookie mom a few times for the Girl Scouts. We stayed on her to do well in school because our state had college scholarships that could give her a free college educations. She graduated with honors, started her freshman year in college. We wanted her to live at home to save money, the college is in town. She lasted 1 semester, and during Christmas break, she said she wanted to go west to visit a girlfriend. Once there, she decided to stay there, met a young man she had talked to on the phone for about a month before Christmas, got engaged, and got married within 3 weeks of meeting him face to face. She said she needed to grow up on her own, wanted to be independent. Needless to say, her dad and I are devastated, but are keeping the lines of communication open, because we love our daughter. We thought we were being good parents. However, our priest advised us, just because we had a plan for her, doesn't mean she had the same plan for herself. She plans on going back to school, but she just needed a break. I just wish she hadn't eloped. Well, that's my helicopter parent story.
Husband wants to put dog down (sm)
 My husband wants to have our dog put to sleep. Last night he was saying we should have our dog put to sleep....he has said this in the past too. The dog is not sick or in pain or anything. He is getting old...he is 14, we have had him since he was tiny. He does have a few skin issues and needs sulfur shampoo, he has a habit of picking at the carpet at times when he is mad or not feeling good. But he is fine. He still runs, literally, to the door when he needs to go out. He never goes near the road, just a good dog. So he thinks we should put him to sleep now, just because he is getting older and might start having health problems? Where is the respect in that? How can you have a dog for that long and not love him? I just don't understand. I can't stand the fact that my husband thinks this way. It makes me feel like he would do the same to me when I'm older. Or if I ever get sick.
My husband...
He was driving truck when this happened and had only been home in the morning. Midday he took a nap and dreamed his wife died. He said that day was the weirdest day. He can still tell me what the weather was like, what the air smelled like, what he ate, and particularly the dream. This was all back in 1994. She did die that evening, completely unexpectedly. She was only in her early 40s. Their son found her.
Freaky stuff.
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